Folding Friday

Never put off what you can wash today, to tomorrow. Before long, you'll find yourself with 5 bags of dirty laundry and having to turn your wardrobe inside out for a clean pair of undies.

And 5 hours later, be up to your knees in clothes to fold.

Thorny Thursday's Thought

When in doubt, grab the ball and run with it. The moment of absolute certainty will almost never arise, and he who hesitates is lost.

And if it all fails - you can always keep running.

Wobbly Wednesday's Thought

Do not do anything that is not going to add value to your state of life. Your means must justify the end.

And if you have no end in mind, why bother to begin in the first place?

Will not, want not

Life..
She's a great mystery

Like a girl on the pull on a Friday night
Granting glimpses of paradise
But then walking away without so much as a toss of the hair.

Putting you through the pain
Of being sawed into two
But occassionally pulling bunny rabbits out of hats.

Putting something within your reach
Shining like the first evening star
But never keeping it near enough for you to grasp.

I'll say it again... Life - she's a great mystery
And a great jester at that.

You could try to beat her
At her own game
But when it's done, you'll never really know who the victor was.

For the rest of the year...

It's my birthday. And I should really put my thoughts down on the day that I arrived butt-naked into the world 32 years ago.

I've never been big on birthdays. I used to. Until it started to disappoint me in some small way. Throughout the whole of today, the only thought I really tried to grapple with was the thought of trying to remember when was the last time I really enjoyed and appreciated the 28th of August. I couldn't.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
And hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

And even for this year, the run up to today was filled with untold amount of stress. Stress on keeping a lid on myself, my head, my mind and my jar full of maggots. So many things could have set me back and have me doing shooters after shooters at Laundry.

Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you

But I guess somewhere along the last 365 days, I must have chalked up some good karma points. For today - could not have been any better than I ever wished for.

Maybe I'm a girl
And maybe I'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something
That she doesn't really understand

I may not have received any presents that cost an arm and a leg. From the kind words of wishes that my new "family" said to me.. to the biggest hug my best buddy could give me. And how one person went out of his way to make today the day he thought it should be.

From an unexpected 1st wish at midnight when I thought you would be already asleep... to a poem that was in its true nature, simple but sincere when I thought you had no more words for me... to a bouquet of lilies sent to the office in the middle of a busy work day... and to my favourite cake that you had thought to order for me.

Maybe I'm a girl

And maybe you're the only man

Who could ever help me

They are all gifts that all the money in the world can never purchase.

Baby won't you help me understand...

So yes... if for some reason, tomorrow starts off bleak and full of doom and glum, with everyday from then on following in its stride, I think I'll be alright.

Today has more than made up for the rest of the year.

~ Maybe I'm Amazed by Jem ~

Answers

Took my folks out to dinner tonight.. to celebrate the joy of still standing. Yes – that’s what I told them. And it’s been a long time since we all sat down together, us 5 adults and the 5 children. The picture could be a lil bit improved. But then again, if I had the chance to change things.. what exactly would it be that I would do?

Begitu banyak cerita, atas sebab ada duka
Cinta yang ingin ku tulis ~ bukanlah cinta biasa

I’m turning a year older in under 48 hours. I’m probably one of the most melancholic persons around. But then again, you cannot really fault me for being so, when at 32, I have a bag full of regrets to last me the rest of my life.

Dua keyakinan beza, masaalah pun takkan sama
Ku tak ingin dia ragu ~ mengapa mereka selalu bertanya?

But I have come to accept something about me that I have always found weird – that I am extraordinary, an oddity. And I say this without any form of pride or arrogance. It’s just said – plain and simple as bare facts. For those around me who I have always asked – Am I the only one… you shall not hear those words anymore. For yes, at times, I am the only one.

Janji terikat setia, masa mengupas segala
Mungkin dia kan berlalu ~ ku tak mahu mereka tertawa

How I arrived at this conclusion is the fact that I am beginning to see how I am consciously changing and improving myself. And it is with this that I have managed to come so far in life, despite all the setbacks that I have gone thru. To come out in one piece, still standing and still able to hope and believe that tomorrow would be a better day.

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa, tak perlu di cari
Kerana ku yakin ada jawabnya.

But coming back to my original thought – if I wished my one wish this year for things in my life to change, what would I choose? How would I want my picture to be? One of fancy cars and bright lights? Or one where I wake up everyday KNOWING that it would be a great day. Yes – knowing. That I didn’t have to think of it to be one. Or will it to be one.

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin ~ ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu… jawabnya

So if I could go and change a portion of my life ~ THAT would be it. Not to go back in time. But to move forward with a brand new step.

Diriku hanya insan biasa, miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling, tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata

Last December, I wrote down somewhere the following:

Cliche as it may sound, life is one long journey. One search after another; some take it as a rat-race, some go at a snail's pace. What are we searching for? What are we striving for? Riches? Good health? Joy? Love?

If I were to take stock of my station in life now, I would say I am still searching for what it is I am suppose to be reaching for.

If it's a career I am searching for, haven't I already established what I want to do in life? And have not I embark on a road that would only solidify what I have already achieved?

If it's wealth, sure, I may not own a house of my own, but at least I have a car and enough to still enjoy the nice things in life once in a way.

If it's joy, I only have to let go of my sacks of potatoes and I will be flushed in it everyday.

If it's love, then maybe I am plain greedy. For I have people who love me for who I am, no questions asked even after all the wrong turns I have taken in life.

*Sigh* Yes, I know that I am being too general and am stubbornly refusing to admit that life cannot generalised in each and everyway. Yes, I know that I have to face up to the fact that I cannot be emotionally removed and independent.

And yes, in putting all these down, I know that what I am searching for is not wealth, health, joy or love in separate lil parcels. But someone who will embodies all of the above in one neat package.

Andai ku mampu mengulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir, tiada terduga
Hanya yakin menungguJawapan...

For I am just like you and the rest of the world – searching and looking. Wishing and wanting. Despite all my defenses, it is all an illusion. And if I have another chance at life, I would do it all differently this time round.

So yeah, ask me what I want for my birthday ... It may just well be you with a big red bow.

~ Bukan Cinta Biasa by Siti Nurhaliza ~

For another

We used to wake up and greet today with much joy and anticipation. But then you decided that whatever I could offer was not good enough. And so you went away.

Have you found what you were looking for in life I wonder as you turn 39 today. And if you had.. was it worth it, having traded Lydia and Luke for it?

Do you even stop for a moment in the years gone by, to think of the daughter and son that you have somewhere out there in the world?

As you close your eyes and blow out the candles on your cake... do you wish that you could hear your children call you "Daddy" once again?

You know what - don't waste your one wish a year on it. It's never ever gonna happen again for you.

Happy Birthday, wherever you are.

Reason to believe?

Flaw ~ noun

1. A feature that mars the perfection of something; defect; fault.
2. A defect impairing legal soundness or validity.
3. A crack, break, breach, or rent.

It's scary when the only thing you seem to see in everything and everyone around you are the flaws that lies beneath their surfaces. It's not the best place to be cos then I find that nothing and no one around is perfect.

I know ~ perfection exists only in another place and time. And that as human beings, we have to accept everything and everyone as they are - flaws, warts, farts and all.

I'm not saying that I am without any imperfections. In fact, in all honesty - I would think I am one of the worse made persons existing right now on earth.

So then, why this and why now? Who went and sat on my rose-coloured glasses so that now, everything is black and white?

The world was better when I was the one who was flawed and everyone else was perfect, cos I was different and as such, the things I would never have in life could be written off as damages from the wrong turns I've made.

Or maybe.. just maybe.. I'm tired of chasing the dream, the fantasy ~ that I'm special cos I'm broken but still standing.

Damn it!

For once, I just wanna collapse into a crumpled heap and stay that way.

For once, I don't want the phoenix to rise from the ashes.

Please... give me a reason to stay... and rise up again.

A loaded lost soul

A strange comment was made to me earlier this week. It went something like this.. “And most of all (among the many things I am proud of you), would be not quitting on me as a friend.”

I don’t know why I did not press further, when days later; the phrase still rings clearly in my mind. And it especially weighs heavy this Friday night cos well, it’s Friday and Girl Friday is at home alone.

Lying in my bed, I think of you
That song goes through my head, the one we both knew
In each line lies another line full of sacred sound
But you're outside where the companies dream and the money goes round

I really should have asked you then – have you done anything lately that warrants me giving up on you as a friend? For I am not the sort to give up on those I count close to me. If anything, I am amazed that there are still some who stand by me, and count me as one of their own.

Lying in my bed
Watching my mistakes

But there’s nothing that I can do about it tonight – the one night a week when we would sit and talk like normal people do, not thru emails written in between meetings or on a crackling mobile phone line while we trudge thru traffic. Cos you’re off somewhere, chasing contracts and contacts. Unreachable.

I listen to the band
And the drums beat in my head
Pianos chime the sound in this prison of the house

So I guess I would have just to bid my time, and hope that when there is a right time, to be able to gather the courage to actually ask you in person, and not sweep it under the carpet like I always do.

And as the illness comes again
Can you hear me through the rain..

If you ask me a year ago, I did not think that I would be sitting here, writing about this and that and nothing at all. Putting down words that really should be said out loud, and not played over and over in my head like a broken record.

As I listen to the band..

If you ask me a year ago, I would probably say – eat, drink and be Mary. For Mary has a far more interesting life when life is nothing but living for the next Friday with plenty of boozing. And Mary never lived further than for the moment.

As I sing the silent song..

If you ask me a year ago, I wouldn’t have thought of willing it to rain, and rain down heavy, so I could go walk in it just to have my head be still.

Mime each lonely word

It’s not whining. Nor it is pining. It’s just an oddity cos a moment has become a pattern. Yet, there is nothing but chaos. For life has not only become crazy professionally, but it’s become utterly crazy personally as well.

How did I get here in a span of 10 weeks?

Alone but not lonely

And I wonder why I have decided that 31 shall past and 32 shall come without the aid of any spirits.

You and me
Alone but loaded.........

Could it be … that life is better off.. when you’re a lost soul?

Ponder in a Freezer

It's strange times when one sits and ponders on the question, "How do you know how much is too much?"

Too much too soon.
Too much information.
Too much fun.
Too much love, or too much to ask of someone?

I'm probably thinking of this only because lately, life has become slightly over-whelming from all aspects possible. Working 12 hour days, carrying out family responsibilities, and trying to find time for myself and my life.

It'll probably all die down soon enough.. but then again, when you're standing on this side of the fence, the finishing line sure seems hell a long time away.

I know. Until I get there, I should count all my lil victories. All the lil bursts of sunshine that brightens an otherwise dreary day.

And I should stop setting myself up for falls or slips. Cos the slightest deviation from course, is just gonna tip the scale and unbalance me completely. And I think we all agree, I've been down that rabbit-hole far too many times in the past months.

But surely, as human beings.. there must be a point when we all decide... "When is it all just too much for us to bear?"

I hope I don't come to that point anytime soon. I might just have to stick myself in the walk-in freezer room if I think I'm nearing that point.

So if you don't hear from me anytime soon.. be a kind soul and give my boss a call.. there's only 3 rooms.. shouldn't be too hard to find which one Barbsie is hiding in.

Fifty past midnight...

One thing is certain, whatever it is we're trying to hide; we're never ready for that moment when the truth gets naked.

I was reading Otto’s blog posting last night, about mourning. And a melancholic thought struck me as I watched Plain White Ts video that she had embedded with her posting on Mourning ~ How we sometimes do not say the things we well and truly want to say, until it’s too late.

Here I am on the phone again and...
Awkward silences on the other end
I used to know the sound of a smile in your voice
But right now all I feel is the pain of fighting starting up again

And I could so identify with Otto’s sentiments, about how her email exchanges with her ex is like a roller-coaster ride.. cos that’s who we are as human beings. A thought pops into mind, but we sit there and mull over it as if it was a piece of truffle that the dog unearthed and brought home, not sure what to do with it. And we bottle them up like some secret treasure that we found.

That's the problem with secrets -- like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything, until you don't have room for anything else, until you're so full of secrets you feel like you're going to burst.

Tis sad that two people who came together because of the comfort levels they sought and found together, could fall out of it.

All the things we talk about
You know they stay on my mind,
All the things we laugh about they'll bring us through it every time,
After time, after time

What happened that made one think to themselves that they should just “sit down, shut up and not say anything”?


The thing people forget is how good it can feel when you finally set secrets free. Whether good or bad, at least they're out in the open, like it or not. And once your secrets are out in the open, you don't have to hide behind them anymore.

And maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to do – not hide behind any more secrets or walk on eggshells.

Now I'm wondering if things will ever change
When will you laugh again ~ laugh like you did back when
We'd make noise 'til 3 am,
And the neighbors would complain

The problem with secrets is even when you think you're in control, you're not.

Cos I’m becoming increasing uncomfortable around you, with you. I don’t know what goes on in your head, and as such. And I’m feeling slightly sad cos when that happens, one of us stays away. And it’s not right.

Friends don’t do this.

If you just give me a sign
Say anything, say anything

Just for laughs

Someone told me to go download this song by Seal and Jakkatta sometime back. And while I did download the song, I have not really listened to it until tonight. Cos I am just brain-dead. Yups - it's happened again.

Not only were did we, the people in the know, have to battle for the right to schedule our staff roster the way most efficient and effective, we had to bring our food from one end of the hospital to the other, just cos a bunch of people were hungry while waiting for a Tan Sri to come out of the boardroom for his tour of the hospital.

That plus how I had to squeeze time in between afterwards to go sit down with the team of bozos who are leading us in a tender due at noon tomorrow. Damn it – I didn’t work my arse off whole Saturday just to see them screw it up with an ill-worded tender paper. So yeah – it’s back at the desk for me.

The only high-point of my day would be when I took possession of my phone again near 6 to see a miss-call *smiles* and the return call was one that was light as a cake made by Ian, my pastry chef, lined with lots of summer berries that are sweet as anything!

I feel like the sun, I feel like the rain
I feel I've just found reason for living again
'Cause what I've been dreaming I know that's its real
I know there's just no changing the way I feel

You're living a dream I see you today ~
I feel like all my fears are fading away
Been waiting so long for something new
I feel like constant craving for being with you

You're into my head, I'm out of my mind
I feel I've just found reason for being alive
And I have a secret I think you should know
I feel like I just can't keep it
It's deep within me and I feel like I'm losing control

It is the strangest of all emotions. Cos it felt like it did sometime back. And I am almost half afraid that this is but just another long-winded dream of mine. Where while everything seems like a whole bucket of doh-doh hitting the fan, I am thrilled and made to feel alive by it.

Can you see my vision
Of a red hot summer in white
When love was the feeling with no indecision
We were turning that key inside to get in the moment

I cannot help but grin when I think ahead to the one night when you have nothing to do with your time online. And you stumble on thru to Learning to Breathe, using that bookmark to hop, skip and cruise across Chemical Shooter.

I cannot help but think that when you asked me to look for this song… seeing this posting was the furthest from your mind *grin*

Crazy Crazee ~ can’t say I didn’t tell you so *smiles*

Somewhere only we know

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Another crazy week has just gone by. Time is flying so fast these days that I wonder if it’s got something to do with age. I have asked that question before to someone older.. and for the life of me, I cannot remember his answer.

While I have clocked over 70 hours this week, a good 25 above what I am paid to do, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of accomplishment. For I have made serious in-rods in making my mark felt. While it’s only a small company, I feel that I’m “back” – back where I had left off at Fairview.

Because I am a person of life’s simple pleasures, and as another friend remarked yesterday afternoon that my work is my life, I would say that it is all coming together. And I am glad that I had listened to you – to give it some time and hang in there. For it’s all coming together now and it’s beginning to feel a bit more rewarding.

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

But as I prep my work bag for another brand new work week, I cannot help but ask myself this Sunday evening – is this all there is to life? My Life?

Sure I’ve always wanted to be a force to reckon with, and yes – it’s a well known fact my thirst for a fulfilling career is a key driver of my life… but.. but.. but.. what about everything else? Now that I’ve “arrived”, what else is there?

I used to see almost all my friends at least once a week. The fun-filled Friday nights of crawling from one pub to another, with good food, conversation and company. The lazy Saturday afternoons of catching up with my girlfriend. The anticipation of cooking Sunday night family dinner.

The only things that I have had got going for me for the last few months seems to be nothing more than a quick dinner Friday night with you and Saturday morning breakfasts with the guys at work. That is all life has been reduced to.

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

I’m not complaining. I'm just saying that it's not quite what I am used to, known for. It’s just that there is no pattern of familiarity in it. I find that I cannot rely on how the week is going to turn out. And it unnerves me cos I’m a creature of black or white. I live life crazy craze, but there is always a hidden structure to my chaos. And lately, I feel like I’m hanging like a yo-yo from someone else’s finger.

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

9 days. In 9 days, I turn 32. I’m not feeling like I’m growing older this year, which is strange. Maybe it’s cos I have come to realize that there is no sense in staying young. The only benefit that brings is being able to use the phrase “I am young and naïve.” And in growing older, I find that sweeping things under the carpet only grows em dust bunnies that will one day spring up and pounce on you. And for this year, I have had enough of pouncing.

I once wrote about a year back on how a wise man once told me that if I want to have control over my own life, I should not be seeking happiness. For it is believed that for one to have happiness, it must be dependant on something 'happening'. As such, I should be looking to have joy in my life instead. And if I recall correctly, when I wrote that I felt that nothing I did within my power was bringing me happiness.

Maybe that’s why I’m feeling weary.. cos without having to do anything, I sometimes find myself in peace and joy, not happiness. And that should be the ultimately thing that I seek to find. But being the ME that I am, I dont' know what to do with the sun, the moon, the cow and the spoon, when it was served to me on a silver platter.

And if you have a minute

Why don't we go talk about it

Somewhere only we know?

I asked my training manager yesterday – why and what to make of it. His reply did not make any sense. And as the skies clouded over as the sunset, I stood out on the ledge of where I worked out of and looked across the city’s skyline. And I thought, how could it be possible that the winds of the city blew me to where I stood at that moment in time, with everything that goes on in my life, and all the people in it? Have I conditioned myself such that I could only live with happiness but not joy?

I wished it would rain down.

This could be the end of everything…

Ask me what I had thought my life would turn out to be when I was 16, thinking ahead to 32 and I would tell you that THIS was not it. But I’ve done all that I had wanted to, and walked away with a bitter aftertaste.

I have lived the high life of shopping at expensive stores and wearing branded clothes. I have dined amongst the noble, the intellectuals, the titled and the common.

I have verbally sparred with the likes of industry experts and I have a space pen to show for it. I have lived out of suitcases and airports, trying all the fried rice in hotels locally and abroad.

I have drunk till I have fallen down silly, and I have drunk till I wanted to throw myself off the balcony the next morning.

And none of it was what I had expected of when I was 16.

So why don't we go …

Now at 31 and 357 days, I am slightly wiser but still a bit of the fool. Ask me what I wanna do next week, and I would tell you that it doesn’t really matter very much.

It doesn’t mean to say that whatever you have planned is not important. It does. But it is not the act itself of whatever it would turn out to be, but the thought. The thought that you want to put time aside for lil ole me on the day that I arrive butt naked, screaming me lungs out in the office of an old dude called Doctor Pink.

Somewhere only we know?

So seeing how I have lived the high-life and celebrated my birthday in every possible way that one could think of, why we don’t just go somewhere only we know…

And maybe while we’re there, you could tell me again that there is hope in life yet.

Name and days

Everyday, under a tree somewhere off the grounds of the office, I am re-learning new things… or maybe remembering things that I have forgotten.

2 a.m. and she calls me cause I'm still awake
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?
I don't love him - winter just wasn't my season"

Today’s lesson was in the Training Manager's words of wisdom to our Swiss intern (Of Tadpoles and White Boys): “You do not remember names boy! Once you do that, they get all lovey-dovey!”

As I sit here at my desk, willing my tummy to settle down and behave before Day 2 of Food Tasting starts, I find that line to ring so true and in some ways quite hilarious. IF only everyone thought the same way, or underwent the same training.

The search for the conquest would be much easier and everyone’s need for sexual gratification a less arduous task. And that maybe, just maybe, the roll around the living room carpet would be the start of a fuck-buddy relationship.

Unfortunately, life does not work out that way.

Maybe we should all learn that as we grow older, the unwritten and unsaid should become the explicit. Then you needn't worry about calling them by their name.

Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to critize
Hypocrites - you're all here for the very same reason.

Author’s note:
This is just a musing-in-place-of-food. Nothing stupid has happened in this dreary life so far. Yes – I’m Girl Friday and fast becoming boring.

Meeting the God-Father

I had a smack on with my God-father this afternoon. Though brief, it was impactful enough to make me sit here tonight, despite a heavy head to write down my thoughts.

It's funny though that we met today - 5 months since I left working for him.

Maybe I'm reading too much into his words, maybe it's all in my head.

But as I thumb through last year's school yearbook, I cannot help but shake my head in regret. And believe that there was a hint of wistfulness in his voice as he spoke with me this afternoon.

From the time when I joined, to the time that I left, this book was something he wanted to be proud of - every year without fail. He has in his room a glass coffee table on which he displays the books of years past.

If I had to do a book review on it, I would say it's not worth wiping your arse with the paper it is printed on. Hazy low resolution pictures, poor quality articles, repetitive design templates and a major boo-boo featuring a stock photo with its watermark still on.

Somehow I cannot see him wanting to put this one alongside the others.

I cannot believe that the management of the school has let itself fall from grace with such a blimp! It's way too amazing a thought to comprehend cos we were all suppose to be trained to be in his likeness - perfection bar none.

And it is in his footsteps that I am still attempting to follow. Like he said - grit your teeth and bear with it cos you went in with your eyes open.

So why is it that those who have left, has learnt the lesson.. yet those who have stayed on remain the same?

I really should not be sitting here, playing Barb-Almighty. But then again, I think after being under the rule of the God-father for over a decade, I have earned the right to.

And yes - I will let go.

Everything in its time

How quickly the week has wound down... in the blink of an eye, tis once again Sunday evening. As I sit on my balcony, letting the evening breeze from a rain-threatened sky ride over me, I cannot help but ponder ~ how quickly people and priorities change.

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Next week signals the start of 4 weeks of crazy crazee at work. Not only would we need to be out of the office half the time, but we also need to oversee the handover of our kitchen. And I am filled with quiet excitement cos it'll be my first trade kitchen. And it's gonna be where I make my living for the next few years to come.

Some folks try astrology, some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer, to get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

It's probably good that work is gonna drive me to the point of numbness.. when I just come home and collapse on the couch, not able to move or think anymore. Cos if I had more time on my hands, I would probably go on yet another ride on the waves of chaos as I find that the sun rise brings me closer to being another year older.

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

I still do not know how the week holding 28th August will come. But from what has been said, it should be something I look forward to. Afterall, it's not every year that somebody offers to cook for you. And if that doesn't happen, the cake would be treat enough for me. For it's taken 32 years before someone's actually gone and thought ahead for me, without me having to be the one to say "Hey".

'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

And while I mentally mark off the days till the 28th comes round, I cannot help but hold my breath. If there is anything familiar in my life - it would only be the rate of change. And it's not always good change.

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

So yes. Anticipation builds expectations. And we don't function too well when that is the case. I suppose, the saying will have to be it then..

Everything in its time.

Caught in between

I had my first experience of "management nightmare" at the end of the work week. And it's hit me rather hard cos it was not something I saw coming.

You see, I have this new staff... who is a transgender. He's been with us for 2 weeks now and while we all love him, I have had to put my foot down on the gay-slurs that were used to refer to him. Mind you - these were coming from managers and not his peers.

Anyway, the incident was he was seen on the building's CCTV as using the ladies' room.

Needless to say, when I got out of my meeting and heard about it, I dropped my tea-lunch and ran 5 flights of stairs to where he was being held and questioned. But I was too late. In a society where Mel is an abnormally and a person no one wants to take on board, the wheels of social-corectness had started to turn. There was nothing I could do about it.

My MD brought up the matter at yesterday's company meeting. He calls it a no-brainer. And yes, I do agree with him. But it doesn't mean that it should stop at that. And shortly after, I was asked yesterday by one of my colleagues - where I stood on the matter.

It was a tough call. Sure Mel should have had better sense ~ what we do not comment about on our floor, does not necessarily represent the thoughts of the whole building. Every person's brain differs from the other. What is acceptable and common to you, may not be the same to me.

But as I state that, I cannot help but also ask ~ If I am merely the minority, does it mean that I should adopt a "thought-transposition" stand so that the minority slowly disappears?

And as for management ~ should it be that management would have the wisdom, experience and book learning to look beyond ~ was there malice in the act? Afterall, juries get sequestered away for hours, days, weeks and months just to decide if it's murder or manslaughter. Did management give the whole matter just thought?

Anyways, I can rant and rave about it. I can ring you up and ask you if you had SOPs that dealt with issues like this. And I sit and bemoan the injustice at the mamak stall. But it doesn't change anything.

Come tomorrow, Mel is gonna be brought down to HR and be told that the Director of Facilities wants him removed from the staff force. And we would not be able to fight her for it. Needless to say, this incident is just gonna make me dislike her even more than I already do.

But for today, this woman - who thinks she's Wonder woman, is the last person on my mind. It's Mel that I am thinking about and I wonder how he's held up - going thru the weekend, wondering if he's still gonna have a job come tomorrow.

And yes - I do feel responsible. I was the only one within my department who interviewed this chap. And I choose him cos of his work abilities and potential, despite the HR reps giving me the quizzical eye.

Maybe I was not the best person to represent the line. Cos my views of the world are skewed. I saw further than the fact of him wearing a spot of blusher and a trace of lipstick to the interview. I saw a young'un who wanted to be a chef.

Maybe I could have taken better care of this lamb of mine.

Maybe I should not have given him the job. At least that way, he would still have some place of his own come tomorrow.

Of waterlilies and black men

This is the sequel to Of Tadpoles and White Boys.

Cos I just had tea by my poolside with these 2 Malaysian chaps who were lamenting about not getting some. It was not a conversation topic that I had wished to participate in. Especially not after a fantastic lamb dinner out in Puchong, at an al-fresco place called Waterlily.

But my point is this - Menwhores ~ I am surrounded by them!

Almost every single guy I know has been lamenting about not getting any sex! And the general complaint seems to be that local men thinks that they do not hold a candle to a white guy.

Bah-humbug! It's all in your heads - which ones, I am not gonna speculate. To us gals, a guy is a guy is a guy. Yups! It don't matter if you're black or white or yellow! Treat us right, and hey - we'll give you a shot at some ripping and blindfolding. *wink*

Maybe I'm just different - and yes, that was the conclusion drawn as well tonight. But I think "doing" a white chap is way too over-rated. And YES - I have the right to make such a statement. It's one of those been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, used it as a rug kinda thingy.

So boys - if you're reading this... get rid of the chip on your shoulder, and you'll be in happy-shag -city for sure!

Sometimes, all you need to do is open your damn bloody eyes, instead of letting them wander far and wide.

And no - there wouldn't be any slap and tickles for old time's sake *grin*

And we'll leave it at that for whoever.

Of tadpoles and white boys

This piece started mid-afternoon when I’m bored and waiting for my next meeting to start. It’s gonna be a hell of a long one considering it is with both my bosses – one blur and one away. Seeing how I think I am ready to face the Swiss Army, I sat down and wrote something funny and fun. Yups – it’s gonna be funny and it’s gonna be fun cos Lord knows I’ve done enough dark and twisty to last the rest of summer.

But anyways, today – it’s gonna be about Sex.

Yups. You heard me darling – sex. Or rather, the obsession with it within my environment. It is seriously beginning to feel like I’m living Grey’s Anatomy here with all the sex talk that goes around me!

To be more precise, it's about sex and these 2 boys I know. One getting too much and one not getting enough (yes, I’m being polite by not using ‘any’ *grin*)

The first is my intern – 24 year old white boy who had just moved into his own apartment and broken off with his local Chinese chick. The advice he got from our training manager on the latter? “Boy, at your age, from now on, it’s gotta be one-night-stands all the way. Ya hear me boy?” And seeing how it came from the training manager, he celebrated his bachelorhood by taking a nice local girl home for the night for a screw.

The other is my best buddy. If you go onto his blog, read the side-conversation that goes on… the boy needs to get laid. And quick! And while I wait to hear from him on Saturday afternoons week after week that it’s finally rained Friday night – boy has to be choosey! *Slaps self on head* Keep it going darling, and you’re gonna give Mandy a run for her money on the record for shaglessness!

If I had a little less sense in me, I would take these 2 boys out for a drink. But then again, me + alcohol … hmmm.. definite recipe for disaster *LoL* As it is, the other night I was telling my best buddy how it’s time for yet another pub crawl for me cos it’s been months since I stepped into a club, bar or pub. Drinking at home does not count. But how I have refrained from it cos Friday-Food-Buddy does not drink so it’s a waste of time. And to go out crawling with Drinking Buddy.. well, let’s say it again – Barb + alcohol = recipe for disaster.

By now, some of you are probably going “Oh-my-god Barbs! How could you even suggests it?” Well, I can. For the simple fact that it is there – on the very topmost layer of their thought process! Sex is there in all our lil brains (was gonna write heads but that would be asking for trouble).

So anyways… it’s gonna be Friday night once again.. and come Saturday, I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for best buddy and my ears cringing for white boy. Hell – let’s keep them ears and toes crossed for best buddy as well – seeing how he’s taken to drawing squiggly stuff and calling em tadpoles.

And no – there will be no pub crawling this weekend for Barbsie *grin*

There ARE some things a girl can live without.

Je vais bien.

The Riddle

rid·dle ~ noun

• A question or statement so framed as to exercise one's ingenuity in answering it or discovering its meaning; conundrum.
• A puzzling question, problem, or matter.
• A puzzling thing or person.
• An enigmatic or dark saying or speech.

It’s half past 6 and I am fortunate enough to be home already, strutting around in my workshirt and undies (grin – yes I’m giving my neighbours a run for their money!). It’s one of em days yet again when the brain just seemed to wanna focus on searching for ONE answer.

There was a man back in '95 whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him
“Wait, what's the sense in life?
Come over me, come over me"

And it’s the answer to a question that each one of us probably do ask at some point in our lives… what’s the point in this journey we call life?

He said – “Son why you got to sing that tune?
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see... You will see."

Maybe it’s cos I’m growing older in less than 3 weeks. Maybe it’s cos the days just seem to fly by so fast that when you stop to look around, so much has changed, and you wonder – when did that happen?!

Picked up my kid from school today
Did you learn anything cause in the world today
You can't live in a castle far away
Now talk to me, come talk to me

My new colleagues have been meeting my angels the past couple of weeks. And each time, they turn around and tell me that my kids are amazing. And yes, they are. Cos at times, the way they see the world makes more sense than us adults.

He said - "Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child seems to know this song
So play with me, come play with me"

And recently they have discovered the concept of secrets. Yet, being the child that they are, it ain’t all that difficult to get round their heads to find out what it is. And maybe cos they are my only companions in the night to talk to, I find that some of their ways are rubbing off me.

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see

For while I may seem to be speaking in riddles and rhymes, it ain’t all that difficult to get round my head to see where I’m coming from and where I’m heading…

He said... You're looking for a place I love you free...

And it all boils down to the proverbial question – who am I?

The batter swings and the summer flies
As I look into my angel's eyes
A song plays on while the moon is high over me
Something comes over me

I think at the end of a day like this, in the middle of a week like this, I can be honest and say – I am ME.
~ A mother.
~ A daughter.
~ A colleague.
~ A friend.

I guess we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free - freely

Despite my constant disassociation to people and things (I actually kept my office door shut and locked for the better part of this morning!), who I am boils down to a person not existing in isolation or on an island.

And so as I get ready to scoot off and shower so that I can go to IKEA (yes – again!) and clobber someone’s butt with a 110cm black board that was bought, returned and being bought again… why don’t you sit for a bit on your balcony and be ponderous for a bit.. cos here’s what I’m leaving you with for today..

Here's a riddle for you
Find the answer
There's a reason for the world
You and I...

Who are you and who am I to you?

Emotionally Spent

I never knew how tiring it was to be who everyone else wants you to be. To be sure in saying things just the right way, so that you are not misunderstood.

For a person who once represented the state in an international public speaking competition, I sure am getting very bad at speaking / communicating cos everything I have said or written in the past week has been grossly misconstrued. And it's only Tuesday, mind you!

Either that, or at the back of the mind of all who know me, I must be made of pure evil and venom. Filled with feelings of inferiority that is just raging to come out at every single opportunity available.

If I have to think and re-think every thought that comes to mind, with every single person I call my friend.. I might as well not have any. And if I have to lie to you just to make you feel good, then I might as well be your enemy and stab you in the back with a butcher's knife.

What happened to being free and who you are when you're among friends?!

It's bad enough that I have to be this whole other person at work and with my family, now I have to include my "best friends" among that category as well. To have to lie my way thru a conversation. To have to walk on egg-shells with the ones I would trust my life with.

It just ain't right.

Maybe there just ain't an ounce of goodness in me at all.

Maybe it's me who has been the one having disillusions.

Maybe I should just join a cloister and keep my thoughts in my head and call it praying.

I am tired. Just well and truly tired. Do not push me to the point when I would once again feel the need to walk away and say au dieu. Cos I am fast reaching there. And this time, I would not back down.

For it's pointless to be in close association when we no longer know who the other is.

But.. but.. but..

stu.pe.fy ~ verb

1. To put into a state of little or no sensibility; benumb the faculties of; put into a stupor.
2. To stun, as with a narcotic, a shock or a strong emotion.
3. To overwhelm with amazement; astound; astonish.

And that is what I'm feeling right now...

This is the last time that I will say these words
I remember the first time - the first of many lies
Sweep it into the corner, or hide it under the bed
Say these things they go away - but they never do

In spite of myself, I laid down my wager and placed the bet nonetheless. I did not reckon I would bet on the wrong horse though. That the invitation would be taken up.

This is the last time that I will show my face
One last tender lie and then I'm out of this place
So tread it into the carpet or hide it under the stairs
Say that some things never die - well I tried

I should have listened to the wise of words Chris Rock, who according to Puppy, said this:

All men want are 3 things - food, sex and quiet ~
Feed me, fuck me and shut the fuck up!

And it is the last line that lingers on my mind. I should have bloody shut the fuck up, instead of being all gung-ho, no holds barred!

Something I wasn't sure of but I was in the middle of
Something I forget now but I've seen too little of

It is sometimes, a bane, to be eloquent... to be able to put your innermost thoughts down in a manner that, though is not intended to cause grief.. does in the end anyways.

And no - I do not think that "we" are gonna bounce back from Chemical Shooter, any stronger.

No... I seriously doubt there would be any bouncing at all from now on.

I wish I could say I am a person of more faith. Especially faith in being acceptable, despite everything else that is not right about me, and with me. But alas, no. Among all my possible "virtues", faith is not one of them.

I'm gonna go crawl under the table now. And I don't think I'm the only who's feeling like sitting under the table right now.

I'll say it again - I am stupefied!

Being Boring

There’s this game that I play with a friend when we run out of things to share. There’s no name to it, but it’s basically music trivia. I always cheat cos I’m not very good at remembering song titles, nor the artiste’s name.

I came across a cache of old photos and invitations to teenage parties
Dress in white one said, with quotations from someone’s wife, a famous writer
In the nineteen-twenties

And so yesterday, for some sense of normality in the chaos that has ensued, we played the same game. And the song Being Boring came on up. He asked if I remembered the video. And having downloaded it today – naughty naughty is all I can say.

When you’re young, you find inspiration
In anyone who’s ever gone and opened up a closing door
She said: we were never feeling bored

It’s funny how this song has stuck in my head.. and is playing on my WinMedia now cos I’ve been nothing but melancholic for the way things were and how it all changed.

When I went, I left from the station with a haversack and some trepidation
Someone said: if you’re not careful,
You’ll have nothing left and nothing to care for
In the nineteen-seventies

Looking back, I almost wished I didn’t have the need to find “perspective”. Looking back at all the mails exchanged, the thoughts shared… perspective is over-rated. It didn’t make things any better. In fact, it almost is single-handedly responsible for making things worse. Cos right now, it feels like there’s nothing left and nothing to care for.

But I sat back and looking forward, my shoes were high and I had scored
I’d bolted through a closing door -
I would never find myself feeling bored

That paragraph rings so true. Everyday was a roller-coaster right of thrills and spills. And it’s not so much the emotions that ran thru like adrenaline pumping thru a footy player on the pitch. But there were no inhibitions on expressions. Not a conversation was boring.

Now I sit with different faces in rented rooms and foreign places
All the people I was kissing, some are here and some are missing
In the nineteen-nineties

To be ponderous about what had gone on, is a useless state of mind. Cos it’s gone out the door, taken by the dog to the moon. Which was why it was sausade on Saturday morning. I sit here and I reflect and I feel as if I have cheated my own self by being the old me and thus, bringing life to a stop, as always.

I never dreamt that I would get to be the creature that I always meant to be
But I thought in spite of dreams
You’d be sitting somewhere here with me

Maybe in the shadows of the moonlight, I would be brave enough to face the facts and state what is real. And ask it out loud in the manner it should be done. How easy we see it on TV… my fave show Grey’s Anatomy comes to mind. The scene where Derrick asks Meredith – What does this mean?

What DID it mean? What is going on? What am I suppose to make of it all?

Cause we were never being boring

Ask me what I want and I would only be able to tell you in general sense, that I want to go back to when we were never being boring. When everything was funny or fun or unique or sweet. And for either one of us who wanted to know the answer, all we had to say was "question", knowing that there would not be any repercussions of any sort. Oh! ~ The questions we have asked.

We had too much time to find for ourselves

To when no matter how crazy our day got, there was always time to say hello or to write that short para, giving an update on what’s been happening and commenting on what had happened. And no hour was too late, despite the fact that I thought people over 34 needed to sleep by 11 pm.

We dressed up and fought, then thought: make amends

To when getting out of the office at a decent hour was not cos we were sick of the place, but cos we had something better to do. To when deciding what to wear was something that warranted 4 phone calls to 4 different persons, and wearing a shirt warranted a discussion that spanned a whole week.

And we were never holding back or worried that time would come to an end

To when time felt like it was going by, but not for us.

And maybe in a way, it still feels this way.. cos while it’s only been a short time, we seem to find it hard to believe that only 100 days had passed.

It’s like I’ve stepped off the roller-coaster and went on the carousel instead with the engineer on his lunch break. It’s just going in circles and I can’t get off. No matter how hard I try, I can’t.

And because of that, I want to go back to when we were never being boring, when we had so many things to explore and find.

It's not fair that time has come to an end.

How to do the shooter

I have declared Chemical Shooter as a no-go zone to a certain someone. Yes - outrightly in text said it - You cannot ever go in there again.

I know I have no right to tell someone that they cannot type in this URL and read what is written. But it had to be done.

For Shooter is my space. Space to spill out my thoughts and the things I will never say.

And so, there's a certain way that it has to be read. Exactly how, I haven't quite figured it out yet. For starters, it should not be the place to come and seek information when you need it.

It's just not done.

Not so much cos it'll then be an invasion of my personal space. But rather, you'll be reading the words that are not spoken for a reason.

I said earlier this evening... that I was sorry for always sweeping things under the carpet by saying let it go.. or we'll talk about it another time.. that I'm not too sure what it is I'm avoiding by doing so...

Here's the secret - I do know and I have always known.

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears, the tears I shed
This is the fear, this is the dread
These are the contents of my head

And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel, do you know how I feel?
Cos I don't think you know how I feel

I don't think you know what I fear
You don't know what I fear

And that is why only few can handle the Shooter the way she should be handled..


With a whiskey by the side and a cigar in hand..

And knowing that Barbsie will come out of it eventually.

And it's called..

No other language describes the feeling of looking at this morning's sun other than Brazilian.

And it's called sausade.

A sense of longing for something, such as a place, a person, a dream, happy memories... a sadness that is felt when you think of these things cos they are gone and can no longer come back.

Alas... ignorance was bliss...

I don't want wanna be nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How long do I have to be.. a shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall - it cannot be seen at all
At all.

31.. the year that was..

A year ago, I got absolutely wasted celebrating turning 30 years and 11 months. I absolutely did not want to turn 31.. and looking back at the year that was, I suppose one could call it premonition of things changing majorly in my life.

Turning 32 is not that big a milestone. But if you walked a mile in my shoes, everyday, every year is a milestone. A celebration of the fact that I am still standing.

It’s been a year of changes. The change in job, the change in life for a spell. Right now, “there” is not exactly the pretty picture that I had expected. And I am struggling majorly to accept things to be the way they are, to balance life up nicely so I don’t fall off any one end.

And looking at my blog postings for the last 3 weeks or so, it is a mirror effect of just how busy life has gotten for me. To the point, I cannot think when I come home. Think enough to unload my thoughts in an eloquent and insightful way. Any writing that I have done in the last 4 weeks had not had much profoundness in it.

It should be something that I should be proud of. I believe that my mentor would be silently proud of me as well. That I am able to carry my own weight without him backing me up. That was also his wish. And now, I think I’ve finally learnt the lesson and applying it.

I’ve finally learnt what it means to nurture other people the way that I have been nurtured. And it is with quiet excitement that I anticipate the moment when I see the fruits of my time investments paying off. It is not expectation. It is anticipation.

I’ve also realize that I have a yearning for adding on to my own knowledge and applying it in my work life. And that is what learning should be about. It does ease the pain a bit, of watching my former colleagues advance in their MBA, knowing that it would take a huge windfall before I step forward with mine once again.

Most importantly, in the last 365 days, I have realized that despite insulating myself personally against taking gambles and risk, I am but only human. And the wall can only remain up for that long.

I learnt what it was like to walk with a spring in my step or to hear the phone ring or to see an email or instant message pop up with anticipation. I learnt what it was like to have someone hold your hand and in that instant, everything else did not matter and no matter how crazy the world is, I was safe. I learnt what it was like to trust someone else with myself, pushing away desperately the nagging doubt that I was just going to fall flat on my face once again.

Was it worth it? Breaking it all down? I’m not too sure, to be honest.

For one, there is nothing really to show for it except maybe for some memories, when invoked, still bring smiles to my face on a dreary day. While it warms the heart, it chills the soul. It’s not a nice feeling. Definitely very bitter-sweet.

They say that as you grow older, you grow wiser.. and life becomes easier. Life should not be this hard.. that you have to think so deeply and keep your head above water, just to know who you are.

I used to be able to speak my thoughts.. fearless… uninhibited. These days, the only way to get it all out of me is make me mad to the point of not giving a rat’s ass.. or load me up with lots of alcohol so I get into the spirit of truth. And even then, one has to find out about it by logging on to my blog.

But the truth is this - Life is hard. And it only gets harder as you grow up and grow older.

You get paid more, but you also put in more.

You fall less often, but when you do, it hurts a hell lot more.

Your judgment and instincts improve, but the disappointments get harder to forget.

The year that was… 31.. a year of achievement.. and one big disappointment.

Here’s wishing that the remaining 25 days would bring some form of salvation for the year that was.

The Kill

It's a Friday night and I'm home when I have every reason to be out. I was so looking forward to the weekend! As my best buddy said just now - I'm so "chilled" this evening. *Ha* You have no idea how pleased I was to hear those words!

But I'm chilled no more. In fact, you would not believe how angry I am right now.

What if I wanted to break - laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

In the last 3 months, I think I have been this person that I'm not. Though I may have had my dark and twisty moments, it has never been vented out at a particular individual. For some strange reason, I felt the need to keep up this up-beat cheeriness. Maybe cos this person had expressed profound "hope" in my strive for happiness.

What if I fell to the floor - couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do?

In the one instant that all hell had broken lose, the thought that he had to go sit and ponder over a drink for the longest time, traumatised me so. It made me feel small. It made me feel silly.

I feel no more.

What if I wanted to fight - beg for the rest of my life?
What would you do?

Maybe, I wouldn't be this angry if things were placed in its proper perspective. If the unsaid was said out-loud. If the air was cleared and the stand made clear. Maybe it's my fault. Like I said - maybe I'm just being mightily idiotic!

You say you wanted more - what are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

But you know what? For once, when he's gone and done something that actually pisses me off (yes - it was and still is very possible!), I actually decided to say "Heck care! He's gonna bloody know I'm mad!" And I did. In under 450 text characters as well, mind you! That my dearies - is a fact to be darn proud off!

Look in my eyes - you're killing me!
All I wanted was you.

And sitting here, ranting and venting my anger, ignoring the message that says "I'm sorry I handled it wrongly.. PLEASE FORGIVE ME" I've come to realise that I'm actually quite glad things were left the way it was - hanging in the air. Cos lately, after the dust has settled, my lateral thought had finally caught up with me. It would have been yet another big mistake of my life. And it would be one of the worst cos then all my good buddies would have been right to say "I told you so!"

I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change
I know now this is who I really am inside.

I'm done. Done with being walked over like a doormat. What started out as a genuine affection is fast becoming a bitter pill to swallow.

Come break me down - bury me
I'm finished with you

I honestly do not give a rat's arse if you're just across the balcony, the carpark, beyond the stall facing my apartment unit. In fact, I think I shall boldly stand right at my balcony and chain smoke. And I hope you're sitting right where you can look out the shop window and onto my balcony. Maybe then you'll know how pissed off I am with you right now.

But then again, I had forgotten that it's nothing but a game.

Play hard, play fast... Play loose and free.
Play as if there were no tomorrow.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

Whatever. Bottom line is - I'm done.