Run Forrest Run

In a few hours, 2012 will end and a new year will begin. Recalling the words of a close friend, "Nothing ever really ends, does it?" And so, try as I may to think that tomorrow will be different, simply because it is a new year, I know deep down inside that nothing will really have changed.

Bless me Father I have sinned,
I'm not sure where to begin.
I won't name names or where I've been,
But I've been there and back again.

It has been the most tiring and trying year of my entire existence. With barely a month in, I had to bury my grandmother. And in the midst of all that, realise that it was also time to step up - that the next generation was the 'now'. Ready or not, we had to take our turn at the reins. Ready or not, responsibility was thrust upon our shoulders.

No Hail Marys will save me,
You learned to live with memories,
Here, slip this sinner up your sleeve,
Just stay inside until I leave.

It has to be said, this thing called responsibility. I have come to likening it to opening the Pandora's box ~ all sorts of vermin will come running out, scaring the living daylights out of you. And because you know it's Pandora's box, you have to find it in you to go back in and shut it. So that hope remains.

And that is what I will carry with me in moderate amounts into 2013 - HOPE. For have I not had an extra 40 days with my dad? Did his oncologist not give him a mere 2 months to live way back in September? From not knowing if we would see his 64th birthday with him, we ended up celebrating Christmas and the year end in a grand fashion - with the family safe in my lil hole in the sky, singing the 12 days of Christmas in our own individual way.

The hands of time may tick no more
Let darkness fall upon this door
No waves will wash up on this shore
I won the fight but lost the war.

I must say, most days this year, were not easy ones. With less than a handful of people I can call my own, I am walking into the new year feeling a little less for wear. I am run myself ragged, trying to accomplish this, that and again - the other, all at once.

There were roses I have loved
Who've given or have given up
I pushed your patience and my luck

But I stand proud and tall tonight as dusk falls across the KL skyline, as folks make their way into the city to ring in the new year, surrounded by friends and strangers. For while I have been at my worst, I have also been at my best in terms of my own emotional self.

While there can be many moments to recall, I take with me tonight, the memory of biting the bullet and admitting out-loud that I am human. And because I am human, I am capable of feeling love. And because I am capable of feeling love, I am able to once more (after 6 long years), come face-to-face with it and say it out loud.

It wasn't love I didn't trust
It wasn't you, or me, or us
You've shouldered 'ifs', and 'ands', and 'buts'
It's that way ok, I've said too much 

I like to think that it is that honesty and vulnerability that has seen me through this year of near-deaths, disappointments, exhaustion and despair. It is that honesty and vulnerability that has enabled people to catch me when I fell, jumping off balconies to snatch me back from the clutches of hopelessness. 

 

But I've been running, always running
Never had both feet on the floor

And so while tomorrow may be 1st January 2013 and I will need to put a new desk calendar on my desk, I know my road will remain much the same: bumpy and dusty. But if anything this year has taught me, I know that whatever 2013 brings, I will be able to face it with courage, with dignity and with honour. And I will be able to look myself in the mirror 365 days from today and say to myself that "I did the best I could and that was it enough."


To quote my favourite tv show, after 9 years - There's no shame in simply being human. It can be a relief to stop hiding, to accept who you really are. A little self awareness never hurt anyone. Because when you know who you are, it's easier to know what you're about, what you really need.


I've been running, always running
Now I ain't running anymore

2013 - I will not run from you, even though the prospects of you scare the shit out of me.


Happy New Year everyone!
~Not running anymore~

By Jon Bon Jovi

Playing for Keeps

I have been behaving badly the last few months. Of course everyone writes it off to the strain - emotional, physical and financial - that I have been under. But yet, I know that those are no excuse as I continuously push the envelope further from  the center of the table.

And while I can apologise each time I mis-behave, I also know at the back of my head that each person has their hard limits. As I scratch my way through them, sooner or later - they will run out.

To say I am at a precipice would be incorrect. I am no longer on the edge of the cliff, wondering to jump or not to jump. For some strange reason, the decision to jump was made for me. Afterall, was it not said - wasn't this boxed off years ago? *Hmm ~ Did it, without me knowing?*

Maybe it was all waiting for me in the sidelines. And as I made one move after another, slowly but surely with copious amounts of drinking courage, it fell into place. Perhaps that is why I had "jumped" and not knew about it.

And so it comes down to this - how do I behave so that I do not run out of space and end up where I do not want to be?

My parents celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary this week past. 38 years and the recent ones has not been getting any easier. For 10 nights, my mum slept on a dodgy sofa bed alongside my dad as he recuperated in the hospital. For many weeks, my dad put up with my mum's silent fuming as the maggots razed through her consciousness (yes - we have the same maggot infliction!). Yet, on the 38th anniversary, they held hands so tightly as they walked into the hospital for my dad's check up.

I wish I had taken a picture of that moment. But I know for the life of me, I will never forget it. The clasp of his right and her left. The fingers entwined so tightly as she feared him pain from his surgery site and he needing her support to walk back into his "house of horrors".

And I wonder to myself, will I ever get there? And also, how did I end up here? For a product of a healthy married relationship, I sure am broken in so many ways. For am I not sitting here tonight, wondering where has the last 4-something years gone, how did it move forward to where I think it is today, without me seeing it?

I have been told that "putting up" with me is a better deal than "giving up" on me. So I know for a fact that someone out there has hopes that there is a good person in lil ole body. That the soul of this lost one is not that lost at all.

Now I suppose all I need to do on my end is to actually have that same belief in myself.

If only I knew how.

Emptying

It has been a long time since I last entered my thoughts here. Things have been less than smooth - "bumpy" would be a gross understatement.

The silver lining would be that my Dad has one less tumour burden in his body. After months of chasing tails, it was finally done successfully over a week ago.

Today I am mourning the loss of my life position and security. Which is a terrible thing to do when I should be rejoicing the saving of my Dad's life. Bear in mind now - the two are distinct and separate issues. If you cannot separate the two, then you do not know me well.

After so many years of struggles, I am back at square one. Yesterday, I had to tell my child that she has to wait till pay-day to buy a book. Today I am fighting down the urge to ring a close friend out to tea so that I can spill my soul on her shoulder, because I can't afford to pay for tea.

Don't get me wrong - I would not trade my father's life for my bank account balance. That is not my rant, nor my whine. I am just so tired of these responsibilities. I am just so tired of denying my kids.

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am tired. 

I am broken and broke.

For Better or Worse

This week, I have a new perspective on what people say when they make their marriage vows.

I am a runner. I am still a runner. When the going gets tough, I have to sneak away, hide and piece together the pieces, before I can come back and stand beside whoever it is who needs me before I can make good my part of any sort.

Since Dad's diagnosis, I have been itching to run for the hills. And finally, last week, I could in the guise of a work travel. 7 days and night on my own, in gloomy, wet cold England where I had wanted to let the autumn air and leave fall envelope me in its deep, dark embrace.

And so I did. Walking in the rain, staring into space on my endless train rides across the country. And I have returned - refreshed and recharge. Ready to take on come what may.

But as I look around me in my local environment, I cannot help but feel sad for my Mom. For while I can run when I need to and want to, take a hiatus from all this: Mom is stuck where she is. Because she is his wife. She is his partner.

And you know what? As tired as she is, her vows keeps her going and so, she sees no need to run.

And we wonder why I am still on my own - after all this time?

Fifty Shades

I am enraptured in Fifty shades - The Trilogy. And I just realized why... The similarities... The past.... Perhaps not the abuse... But DEFINITELY the hurt.

Oh me! Oh my!

From So Far

I turn 37 this year.

As I sit here and post my thoughts on the year past and the year ahead, I do not feel weighed down by the wonderment: If my parents are proud of me. I know they are.

I placed my last student for the new academic year this morning at 5.46 am - that's79 doctors to be and 10 dentist to come. At this poignant point of life, when grave illness has hit the family in a hard way: I am filled with hope as I recall each of these 79 faces.

A week ago, I sat in despair and cider, wondering where did I go wrong in Year 36 - it was suppose to be bigger and better, ending with a bang so loud, it'll make the New Year's Eve fireworks pale in comparison. And this morning I am exclaiming - Let the Fat Lady Sing!

It's all a question of perception. And not giving in to fear while giving out absolutely to hope!

Hope used to be my bogeyman, my monster in the closet, my bad 4-letter word. But I have come to see, that without it, life is not worth living, not worth my space in the world. Much like love - it'll take your breath away if you allow it too!

And so, as I step into another year of life, feeling extremely grateful for my health, my family, my friends, my work - My Life: I am hopeful.

And because I have that, and God - I know that come what this year brings: I will be fine!

Happy Birthday Me - you've come so far from licking the bottom of the Devil's cauldron!

The World Keeps on Turning

Traffic is moving as it always does on a Monday morning, along the highway, just by my apartment. The backfire of a truck, the sirens of an ambulance and the horn toots of inpatient drivers late for work.

The world keeps on turning....

I have bundles of bags standing by the door - my clothes for the next 3 days as I stay over at my folks, the puke-bucket, wet wipes, boxes of tissue, plastic bags, all in readiness in case Dad feels sick on the way back later today after his 1st chemo run.

The world keeps on turning....

As we prayed together as a family on Friday night, mum had a vision of me, sitting by the cliffs with a storm raging around me. I was apparently sitting still, knees clutched closed to the chest - looking lost, forlorn and alone.

The world keeps on turning....

A colleague from Ireland wrote last week, asking if I would be available to meet her in 2 week as she stops over in her first visit to KL. We have plans for breakfast since I did not think it was appropriate to tell her that I can no longer make plans longer than 5 days ahead.

The world keeps on turning....

I know deep down that while many thinks and believes that today is the start of the road to recovery, I know differently. Today is just the start of one long road. Whether it ends in recovery or it ends in us picking up a suit, shirt and tie for Dad - it remains to be known.

It is not that I do not have faith. It is not that I do not have believe. It is simply because  the world keeps on turning and to ensure that it turns as smoothly as it possibly can, I have to think 10-steps ahead and be on the ready for whatever the turn brings.

The world keeps on turning - Can you blame me then for feeling like I am all alone through it all?