Piles

After an evening of running around, falling down on my bum and all that jazz, it dawned on me that I really could have been spared all that if ONLY a decision was taken much earlier, like when the suggestion came out.

Spilled laksa gravy and sore tailbone aside, it was this thought, and what is quite possibly the deeper unspoken thought behind it that kept up awake till 3 this morning, wishing deep down in my gut that I could pull said persons right up to my face, slap them really hard and then tell them to get the fish out of my life.

But 12 hours on, I realise that I really can't do that. Sure you can if these people are your friends. But when they are family, that's a whole different kettle of fish altogether!

Why do I have this run-around in my head year in, year out at this time, that no matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do would stand up in the eyes of the family? This year it's come early (no close proximity required) cos truth be told, if my brother was not going to go back to our hometown, next week's reunion would not be happening. The folks would have voted me down and head on home.

Perhaps it's just me and it's all just in my cobblestone-paved brain, but it sure as hell hurts to see the reflection as it is. And to recall the years I've spent Christmas and Chinese New Year by myself, and nobody gave two hoots.

Two hoots. Two simple words that seem to say so little yet so much. And it's so painful to put this all down. But I know I have to if I was to exorcise this demon that has come and reside in my mind, my subconscious - yes, angry dreams and all! And I want to get it down before I get on that plane that takes me home. Cos for this going-home was never for me to begin with. And so it should not transform to be some shouting match (recall last year) that makes it become all about me.

"Her dad's advice came back to mind, "Make a list - make two lists," he would say. "Start with the positives and end with the negatives; bundle the crap into a pile and let it go where it belongs. Cut your ties Eve - if it doesn't serve you, ditch it"

It is as if by falling down, landing on my bum had shaken loose some lodged chip in my shoulder, telling me that once and for all, to let it go. Cos even now, as I fumed, fretted and teared, tossed, turned and moped - life goes on for the individuals I deem involved in this fiasco. And really, even if they knew something was up in the wind - it really wouldn't be as if today would be any different.

Maybe if I hear it enough times, then go run it out again after work, head on home and write my piles, I may really be able to say these words and mean every single one of them...

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

Excerpt of text in bold italics is taken from the book Dressing for God by JF Tallon