How you understand

Some times, some bits of my life begets a whole lot of explaining. Half the time I refrain from saying too much simply because it will likely end up with my conversation partners giving me the "raise-eye-brow-are-you-crazy?!" look.

Often Ben surprises me at his maturity - comes with the age difference I suppose. But even then, his ability to accept and understand the bits that requires the most faith still takes me by surprise.

If most other things you can understand my whys and yet, fail to see eye-to-eye with me on my faith, it is a deal breaker for sure.

Yet, it is with my faith that you stand strongest - indeed I am blessed.

The 4th

For most people, arriving at a decision is a rather easy process. Take all your parameters, put it in place and the answer will more or less show itself.

For me, doing all that only serves one purpose - a process of shortlisting for the ultimate decisions. At the end of the day, I do not have the last say.

I am now coming down to the wire. By the end of this week, I would have signed over a cheque for a place. But it is not the place that I have thought I would end up with. Or rather, it is beginning to look like it is not the place.

For this, there are a lot of sacrifices that would need to come in. And I have been tossing and turning, trying to come to terms with these changes that I need to make. For instance, Rome may no longer happen! And these are hard terms to accept cos just over the weekend, I thought to myself - after 8 1/2 years, I have fought back from the brink of destitute. And this final act is more or less going to see me heading back that way.

Yet, I cannot neglect or cast aside the "joy" that is flowing from my parents with my decision. It is reflecting in every which way possible!

What does one do in this instance then? What should I do in this instance then?

I suppose, nothing less than following the 4th to the T with full gusto!

So Far Ahead.. and Then?

I am in the midst of searching for a property to call my own. My yardsticks for it have shifted so many times, I am still dizzy from all the spinning.

Ben asked me last week - why do you have to buy another when you already owned one? He pushed and prodded, threw every reason I came up with out the window, knowing there was something more that I was not saying. Until it came out ~ I am tired of moving from one place to another, trying to make it into a home and never succeeding cos it was never mine to begin with.

Tonight it dawned on me just how big a leap I have taken in the last 12 months. And it is overwhelming me to the extreme. If I were wiser, I'd get up and reach for the gin. But I want a clear head cos I know somewhere out there, there is a reason for all this..

This is the furthest I have ever gone in all these years of living. And tt is not just committing a large portion of my income into a piece of air in the sky.

I tell myself it could only have come this far because it is not real in the traditional sense. And after I tell myself that, I go to church and pray that if this is not what that is written, please take him away. And then what happens? He sends him to me, suggesting we start a joint investment account affectionately called "The Devil's Fund" cos it is to pay for our way to Old Trafford to catch a ManU game live in person next year. A trip that is purely holiday - no work to flank it with.

And the year after, we have the grand dame of all plans - my folks, my kids and us off to Ireland, with my folks moving on to a visit to a holy site in Europe while he tours Ireland with Lydia and Luke while I work. And after all that, they will come back and we will go to Rome.

To cap it all off, if I do buy a property, the year after that would be the year I take possession of it.

Like I said - such big leaps and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps I am trying to shy away from seeing it. Perhaps it is a fuzzy dot out there in the distance but I am putting on my blinders.

I always said I'd be happier alone.
I have my work, my friends,
but someone in your life all the time?
More trouble than it's worth.
Apparently, I got over it.