I am in the midst of searching for a property to call my own. My yardsticks for it have shifted so many times, I am still dizzy from all the spinning.
Ben asked me last week - why do you have to buy another when you already owned one? He pushed and prodded, threw every reason I came up with out the window, knowing there was something more that I was not saying. Until it came out ~ I am tired of moving from one place to another, trying to make it into a home and never succeeding cos it was never mine to begin with.
Tonight it dawned on me just how big a leap I have taken in the last 12 months. And it is overwhelming me to the extreme. If I were wiser, I'd get up and reach for the gin. But I want a clear head cos I know somewhere out there, there is a reason for all this..
This is the furthest I have ever gone in all these years of living. And tt is not just committing a large portion of my income into a piece of air in the sky.
I tell myself it could only have come this far because it is not real in the traditional sense. And after I tell myself that, I go to church and pray that if this is not what that is written, please take him away. And then what happens? He sends him to me, suggesting we start a joint investment account affectionately called "The Devil's Fund" cos it is to pay for our way to Old Trafford to catch a ManU game live in person next year. A trip that is purely holiday - no work to flank it with.
And the year after, we have the grand dame of all plans - my folks, my kids and us off to Ireland, with my folks moving on to a visit to a holy site in Europe while he tours Ireland with Lydia and Luke while I work. And after all that, they will come back and we will go to Rome.
To cap it all off, if I do buy a property, the year after that would be the year I take possession of it.
Like I said - such big leaps and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps I am trying to shy away from seeing it. Perhaps it is a fuzzy dot out there in the distance but I am putting on my blinders.
Ben asked me last week - why do you have to buy another when you already owned one? He pushed and prodded, threw every reason I came up with out the window, knowing there was something more that I was not saying. Until it came out ~ I am tired of moving from one place to another, trying to make it into a home and never succeeding cos it was never mine to begin with.
Tonight it dawned on me just how big a leap I have taken in the last 12 months. And it is overwhelming me to the extreme. If I were wiser, I'd get up and reach for the gin. But I want a clear head cos I know somewhere out there, there is a reason for all this..
This is the furthest I have ever gone in all these years of living. And tt is not just committing a large portion of my income into a piece of air in the sky.
I tell myself it could only have come this far because it is not real in the traditional sense. And after I tell myself that, I go to church and pray that if this is not what that is written, please take him away. And then what happens? He sends him to me, suggesting we start a joint investment account affectionately called "The Devil's Fund" cos it is to pay for our way to Old Trafford to catch a ManU game live in person next year. A trip that is purely holiday - no work to flank it with.
And the year after, we have the grand dame of all plans - my folks, my kids and us off to Ireland, with my folks moving on to a visit to a holy site in Europe while he tours Ireland with Lydia and Luke while I work. And after all that, they will come back and we will go to Rome.
To cap it all off, if I do buy a property, the year after that would be the year I take possession of it.
Like I said - such big leaps and I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps I am trying to shy away from seeing it. Perhaps it is a fuzzy dot out there in the distance but I am putting on my blinders.
I always said I'd be happier alone.
I have my work, my friends,
but someone in your life all the time?
More trouble than it's worth.
Apparently, I got over it.
I have my work, my friends,
but someone in your life all the time?
More trouble than it's worth.
Apparently, I got over it.
No comments:
Post a Comment