Roundabout

Here's another reason why: you go this roundabout way to tell me something, without quite saying it out loud in plain a-b-c.

Maybe one day i'll figure why is it that you do that.

And ok - shoe thrown.

Coincidence or Timing

I've just finished my new read. And the last few chapters were not quite how I expected them to be.

And while there are possibly many more nights to go in digesting it, one  thing is for sure: God speaks to us in the manner in which he knows us best able to receive.

For the whole year, my reading  list has been as strange as snow in May. But in this A-ha moment it has dawned on me that it has quite possibly been leading up to this book; training my mind to be  receptive to the obvious.

I want to be free.

I want to be free of the feelings of inadequity that I carry around me like an invisible  cloak. I want to be free of the anger rushes that creep up on me at every available opportunity.

I want to be free.

I will be freed.

I am free. Thank God for that.

I.Am.Free.

Piles

After an evening of running around, falling down on my bum and all that jazz, it dawned on me that I really could have been spared all that if ONLY a decision was taken much earlier, like when the suggestion came out.

Spilled laksa gravy and sore tailbone aside, it was this thought, and what is quite possibly the deeper unspoken thought behind it that kept up awake till 3 this morning, wishing deep down in my gut that I could pull said persons right up to my face, slap them really hard and then tell them to get the fish out of my life.

But 12 hours on, I realise that I really can't do that. Sure you can if these people are your friends. But when they are family, that's a whole different kettle of fish altogether!

Why do I have this run-around in my head year in, year out at this time, that no matter how hard I try, nothing I ever do would stand up in the eyes of the family? This year it's come early (no close proximity required) cos truth be told, if my brother was not going to go back to our hometown, next week's reunion would not be happening. The folks would have voted me down and head on home.

Perhaps it's just me and it's all just in my cobblestone-paved brain, but it sure as hell hurts to see the reflection as it is. And to recall the years I've spent Christmas and Chinese New Year by myself, and nobody gave two hoots.

Two hoots. Two simple words that seem to say so little yet so much. And it's so painful to put this all down. But I know I have to if I was to exorcise this demon that has come and reside in my mind, my subconscious - yes, angry dreams and all! And I want to get it down before I get on that plane that takes me home. Cos for this going-home was never for me to begin with. And so it should not transform to be some shouting match (recall last year) that makes it become all about me.

"Her dad's advice came back to mind, "Make a list - make two lists," he would say. "Start with the positives and end with the negatives; bundle the crap into a pile and let it go where it belongs. Cut your ties Eve - if it doesn't serve you, ditch it"

It is as if by falling down, landing on my bum had shaken loose some lodged chip in my shoulder, telling me that once and for all, to let it go. Cos even now, as I fumed, fretted and teared, tossed, turned and moped - life goes on for the individuals I deem involved in this fiasco. And really, even if they knew something was up in the wind - it really wouldn't be as if today would be any different.

Maybe if I hear it enough times, then go run it out again after work, head on home and write my piles, I may really be able to say these words and mean every single one of them...

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

Excerpt of text in bold italics is taken from the book Dressing for God by JF Tallon

Permission to throw

I picked up Paulo Coelho's 'By the River Pieces I sat down and wept' again this evening.

It's a book about what it means to love, to trust, to surrender. But it appears I am merely skimming words tonight, even tho I'm a firm believer that books mirror what you think / feel.

Why do I say that? Cos I just went and asked what now seems to be an idiotic question. And the reply that followed may well have been a flying shoe.

What is it gonna take before I can believe what I cannot see?! Or rather what I cannot show...

That's twice  now and I know there cannot be a third. Even he can take only so much distrust. And we all know that the solution to quell that lies not in  what he can do. No one can give me what I cannot give myself.

And that right now feels downright shitty.

Simple Complexity

Here's something that I only really said out-loud to 2 persons during my vacation: I think I've been lied to.

It puzzled me. Why would you think that you needed to 1) provide an explanation as to why it went the way it did and 2) that whatever it was, if you felt I needed to know, had to be a lie.

It hurt me. That you could possibly be caught up in something that you thought would hurt me, if I knew. And we all know that could very well be only one thing.

It pleased me. That you considered my feelings well enough to spare me from any hurt.

None of that makes sense. And yes, it never does when one speculates. I wore myself out every single day during the vacation so that my body is so tired, I fall instantly asleep when I hit the pillow. So that my thoughts will not spiral out of control, as it always does. And when those failed, the words "I caught him in a lie" came tumbling out.

I could have spared myself all that unnecessary wonder and pain if I only had the guts to keep things simple earlier. Much earlier. The phrase "sooner rather than later" comes to mind, followed by "better late than never."

There is much truth in what was quoted ~ Complexity exists only in Simplicity. In trying to remain simple, things can get so damn complicated as well. The trick is to keep the goal in mind. Finding the right balance. And when you do, the results will be surprising. I promise you that. 

For all the sentiments that followed, only one can now stand firm - with some changes.

I wasn't lied to. So simple.

Surroundings

One of my fave original sayings is that common is as common can be. It is shaped by your surroundings and your environment. The people you use to form that fence around you.

Right now, my common is to go the way of single-tons. Yes, in the last 7 days, I have heard of nothing but good friends deciding to call it a day in their fairy-tale relationship. And mind you, it's them doing the dumping.

Is this the way things are going to go? It weighs heavy on my sleep-deprived mind this evening, as I sit here and type away, instead of chopping garlic, frying bacon and cooking pasta.

Should I give up
Or should I just keep chasin' pavements
Even if it leads nowhere
Or would it be a waste
Even if I knew my place should I leave it there

Vacay

I took my kids and folks down to Singapore for a quickie vacation.

These close family time tends to get to me cos it reminds me that time is a darn fluid thing. The hairs get whiter, the lines of thoughts get blurrer.

It is something beyond my control - I realise that now. The best I can do is make the most of it and just go with the flow - their flow.

I'm glad I see it now, sooner and not later.