Playing for Keeps

I have been behaving badly the last few months. Of course everyone writes it off to the strain - emotional, physical and financial - that I have been under. But yet, I know that those are no excuse as I continuously push the envelope further from  the center of the table.

And while I can apologise each time I mis-behave, I also know at the back of my head that each person has their hard limits. As I scratch my way through them, sooner or later - they will run out.

To say I am at a precipice would be incorrect. I am no longer on the edge of the cliff, wondering to jump or not to jump. For some strange reason, the decision to jump was made for me. Afterall, was it not said - wasn't this boxed off years ago? *Hmm ~ Did it, without me knowing?*

Maybe it was all waiting for me in the sidelines. And as I made one move after another, slowly but surely with copious amounts of drinking courage, it fell into place. Perhaps that is why I had "jumped" and not knew about it.

And so it comes down to this - how do I behave so that I do not run out of space and end up where I do not want to be?

My parents celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary this week past. 38 years and the recent ones has not been getting any easier. For 10 nights, my mum slept on a dodgy sofa bed alongside my dad as he recuperated in the hospital. For many weeks, my dad put up with my mum's silent fuming as the maggots razed through her consciousness (yes - we have the same maggot infliction!). Yet, on the 38th anniversary, they held hands so tightly as they walked into the hospital for my dad's check up.

I wish I had taken a picture of that moment. But I know for the life of me, I will never forget it. The clasp of his right and her left. The fingers entwined so tightly as she feared him pain from his surgery site and he needing her support to walk back into his "house of horrors".

And I wonder to myself, will I ever get there? And also, how did I end up here? For a product of a healthy married relationship, I sure am broken in so many ways. For am I not sitting here tonight, wondering where has the last 4-something years gone, how did it move forward to where I think it is today, without me seeing it?

I have been told that "putting up" with me is a better deal than "giving up" on me. So I know for a fact that someone out there has hopes that there is a good person in lil ole body. That the soul of this lost one is not that lost at all.

Now I suppose all I need to do on my end is to actually have that same belief in myself.

If only I knew how.

Emptying

It has been a long time since I last entered my thoughts here. Things have been less than smooth - "bumpy" would be a gross understatement.

The silver lining would be that my Dad has one less tumour burden in his body. After months of chasing tails, it was finally done successfully over a week ago.

Today I am mourning the loss of my life position and security. Which is a terrible thing to do when I should be rejoicing the saving of my Dad's life. Bear in mind now - the two are distinct and separate issues. If you cannot separate the two, then you do not know me well.

After so many years of struggles, I am back at square one. Yesterday, I had to tell my child that she has to wait till pay-day to buy a book. Today I am fighting down the urge to ring a close friend out to tea so that I can spill my soul on her shoulder, because I can't afford to pay for tea.

Don't get me wrong - I would not trade my father's life for my bank account balance. That is not my rant, nor my whine. I am just so tired of these responsibilities. I am just so tired of denying my kids.

I am angry. I am frustrated. I am tired. 

I am broken and broke.

For Better or Worse

This week, I have a new perspective on what people say when they make their marriage vows.

I am a runner. I am still a runner. When the going gets tough, I have to sneak away, hide and piece together the pieces, before I can come back and stand beside whoever it is who needs me before I can make good my part of any sort.

Since Dad's diagnosis, I have been itching to run for the hills. And finally, last week, I could in the guise of a work travel. 7 days and night on my own, in gloomy, wet cold England where I had wanted to let the autumn air and leave fall envelope me in its deep, dark embrace.

And so I did. Walking in the rain, staring into space on my endless train rides across the country. And I have returned - refreshed and recharge. Ready to take on come what may.

But as I look around me in my local environment, I cannot help but feel sad for my Mom. For while I can run when I need to and want to, take a hiatus from all this: Mom is stuck where she is. Because she is his wife. She is his partner.

And you know what? As tired as she is, her vows keeps her going and so, she sees no need to run.

And we wonder why I am still on my own - after all this time?

Fifty Shades

I am enraptured in Fifty shades - The Trilogy. And I just realized why... The similarities... The past.... Perhaps not the abuse... But DEFINITELY the hurt.

Oh me! Oh my!

From So Far

I turn 37 this year.

As I sit here and post my thoughts on the year past and the year ahead, I do not feel weighed down by the wonderment: If my parents are proud of me. I know they are.

I placed my last student for the new academic year this morning at 5.46 am - that's79 doctors to be and 10 dentist to come. At this poignant point of life, when grave illness has hit the family in a hard way: I am filled with hope as I recall each of these 79 faces.

A week ago, I sat in despair and cider, wondering where did I go wrong in Year 36 - it was suppose to be bigger and better, ending with a bang so loud, it'll make the New Year's Eve fireworks pale in comparison. And this morning I am exclaiming - Let the Fat Lady Sing!

It's all a question of perception. And not giving in to fear while giving out absolutely to hope!

Hope used to be my bogeyman, my monster in the closet, my bad 4-letter word. But I have come to see, that without it, life is not worth living, not worth my space in the world. Much like love - it'll take your breath away if you allow it too!

And so, as I step into another year of life, feeling extremely grateful for my health, my family, my friends, my work - My Life: I am hopeful.

And because I have that, and God - I know that come what this year brings: I will be fine!

Happy Birthday Me - you've come so far from licking the bottom of the Devil's cauldron!

The World Keeps on Turning

Traffic is moving as it always does on a Monday morning, along the highway, just by my apartment. The backfire of a truck, the sirens of an ambulance and the horn toots of inpatient drivers late for work.

The world keeps on turning....

I have bundles of bags standing by the door - my clothes for the next 3 days as I stay over at my folks, the puke-bucket, wet wipes, boxes of tissue, plastic bags, all in readiness in case Dad feels sick on the way back later today after his 1st chemo run.

The world keeps on turning....

As we prayed together as a family on Friday night, mum had a vision of me, sitting by the cliffs with a storm raging around me. I was apparently sitting still, knees clutched closed to the chest - looking lost, forlorn and alone.

The world keeps on turning....

A colleague from Ireland wrote last week, asking if I would be available to meet her in 2 week as she stops over in her first visit to KL. We have plans for breakfast since I did not think it was appropriate to tell her that I can no longer make plans longer than 5 days ahead.

The world keeps on turning....

I know deep down that while many thinks and believes that today is the start of the road to recovery, I know differently. Today is just the start of one long road. Whether it ends in recovery or it ends in us picking up a suit, shirt and tie for Dad - it remains to be known.

It is not that I do not have faith. It is not that I do not have believe. It is simply because  the world keeps on turning and to ensure that it turns as smoothly as it possibly can, I have to think 10-steps ahead and be on the ready for whatever the turn brings.

The world keeps on turning - Can you blame me then for feeling like I am all alone through it all?

In These Lil Hands

My world has gone upside down, inside out, left and right - all at one go.

Exhaustion. I thought I knew what that meant. But in truth, I did not - right up till now. And I suspect that as time goes by in the near future, I would begin to know that word with deeper insight.

Physically, the body and mind is tired. Tired of travelling close to 1000 km in under 8 days. Tired of researching, reading, digesting and summarising.

But the champion of exhaustion would have to be the emotional state of mind. Of having to be constantly up-beat, slightly non-nonchalant (but not too much now) and well, basically be the complete opposite of what it is really is. For when no one is around, I sit and stare off into space. If I thought I could afford it, it would be done with a bottle of wine in one hand and a carton of smokes in the other.

And apart from this lil box in space, I can only be all that I really truly am when I am with my persons. The one who saw me through all 7 levels of hell - hey, we didn't think there would be an 8th did we? And the one who still remains here, despite having me shatter into a million pieces.

If there is anyone that can save me from self-destructing, it would be them. So in these lil hands of mine, I'm collecting the pieces that have chipped and broken off in the space of the last 1 month. And I am asking you to keep them in a lil box somewhere. And when the time comes, to help me piece me back again.

Please always remind me that through all this, you've got my back.