It has been a very long time since I felt that I was not worthy to go and stand in church, in the presence of God. For the last 18 months or so, when things have gone so badly wrong, it has been my sanctuary, the only place where I can find peace. Yet, today, when I needed peace most and the silencing of the demons in my head, I did not feel that I had the right to be in the presence of holiness and serenity.
I have been trying to figure it all out in my head the last 24 hours... why my own mother hates me so much that nothing I do or say in her eyes would ever be right. That is the only reason I can assign to her meltdown yesterday where I bore the only bulls-eye target in the house. That my existence must pain her so much, its name must only be HATE.
I admit as much, I have never been the perfect child. Never the brains of the family, I have always been mediocre in my studies. And with my headstrong ways and living an unconventional lifestyle, I must have brought to her a certain amount of shame in front of the relatives as well. In choosing to hold true to my values of a professional life, I have never really made it up the corporate ladder, bringing home only sufficient bacon but never the caviars or the trimmings of a hearty meal.
Perhaps as she looked at me, she is reminded of the child that came after me that she had to abort cos they just couldn't feed the both of us. Perhaps as she looked at me and all my failures, she wished it was me that she had chosen not to keep. That he might have been the perfect child, giving her less worries, bringing her only pride and joy.
Traditionally, by today, the 4th last day of the year, I would have my reflections all scripted out and ready for publishing. Yet this year, even though right up to yesterday has been one of the best years of my existence, I cannot get past this blockade.
The LegalBeagle said over tea that the beginning of a new year is always a good time and a good thing. "People are always hopeful" he said. Right up to yesterday, I would have agreed with him. But not right now.
For what's the point of having hope when the person who gave you life believes that there is no hope for you?
Author's Note - 30th December 2009:
I had wanted to delete this post now that the incident leading up to this is water under the bridge with mum. But to do so would be to deny that these vile (yes, I know they are vile) thoughts never existed in my head. So, this post shall remain as it is. But don't get me wrong - I love my mum and I know she loves me. When we do rub each other the wrong way, it tends to end up so ugly it puts Mafia Wars to shame. I have to admit, when it comes to her, I have a chip on my shoulder. Maybe in time to come, I will get over it ~ Accept and live with it.
2 comments:
Just to share with you something...
If you mum hates you then, she won't be disappointed in you as a whole. Parents often want only the best for their child and sometimes things don't go the way they want. Most often the people we love the most are the people we tend to hurt the most too. It's ironic how we are very polite with absolute strangers yet utterly rude with our loved ones. Sometimes, all we need is just a fresh perspective or a few seconds of delay before we spout out spiteful words. It's good that it's water under the bridge now, but maybe the next time a meltdown happens, you can try something totally unexpected. Instead of fighting back, grab your mum and hug her and say "I love you mum!"
Thank you for the wise advise. Will try that for sure IF we clash again - fingers, ears and toes cross it won't happen :D
Post a Comment