I went and made duplicates of my new house keys today, weeks after moving in. And for once, I hold 3 sets of keys when it has been the traditional 2.
I have the extra set in the key-ring and all that. And then I tucked it away at the very bottom of the drawer so that I do not have to see it each time I open.
I realise something today. That there is a name to all this madness of the week past. And this name comes with its own colour ~ green. No prizes for guessing correctly. Insomuch as I said to my mother - there is no shame in saying "I'm jealous" for when a cat is a cat, no other name can be used to disguise it.
It is such a difficult feeling to admit to because it means that we are dependent on someone else. And we (my mum and I) - we never like to admit that. We have no qualms to admitting to anything else in life - I am poor, I am fat, I am angry, I am disappointed - but NEVER to being the green-eyed monster. Pride? Perhaps. Shame? Maybe to an extent. But at the end of the day, it is because we condition ourselves to never have to need someone else.
How did I come to realise this? Quite easy and out of the blue really.
I started to compare myself with this phantom figure - this person from yesterday whose name I do not even know. And I started to feel less-than I already am. Feeling of under-achieving, being inadequate... True I have dreams yet to fulfill but it doesn't lessen any of the dreams I have already reached, touch and hold in my hands.
So that was when it struck me - how could this person - this person who was allegedly successful and upcoming - put me to stand only 6 inches tall? How could this person make me feel that everything I have today is less than sufficient when Lord only knows what it took to climb out of the bottom of the devil's cauldron.
I am glad I realised this today, even though I said we need to talk about this next week. Because I will know then what I would say, and what I would do. And if I didn't reach this conclusion on my own, it would be no different from before and those are mistakes I do not want to repeat.
I am my own person. And I am God's gift to this world in my own way. I am special and I am unique. And I should not allow someone else to make me feel any less than. Or rather - I should not allow the threat and insecurity of someone else to make me feel any less than.
If Amanda were still talking to me - she would be so proud to see me come to realise this ALL ON MY OWN. So if you're reading this my dear dear friend - yes, it takes one big step forward to make me see things the way you've always been trying to tell me. But hey - you've always known me to be like this, never one really for small baby steps. And maybe that was what was holding me back from loving me, myself and I.
And as you always say - until I can love myself, I cannot love someone else.
I have the extra set in the key-ring and all that. And then I tucked it away at the very bottom of the drawer so that I do not have to see it each time I open.
I realise something today. That there is a name to all this madness of the week past. And this name comes with its own colour ~ green. No prizes for guessing correctly. Insomuch as I said to my mother - there is no shame in saying "I'm jealous" for when a cat is a cat, no other name can be used to disguise it.
It is such a difficult feeling to admit to because it means that we are dependent on someone else. And we (my mum and I) - we never like to admit that. We have no qualms to admitting to anything else in life - I am poor, I am fat, I am angry, I am disappointed - but NEVER to being the green-eyed monster. Pride? Perhaps. Shame? Maybe to an extent. But at the end of the day, it is because we condition ourselves to never have to need someone else.
How did I come to realise this? Quite easy and out of the blue really.
I started to compare myself with this phantom figure - this person from yesterday whose name I do not even know. And I started to feel less-than I already am. Feeling of under-achieving, being inadequate... True I have dreams yet to fulfill but it doesn't lessen any of the dreams I have already reached, touch and hold in my hands.
So that was when it struck me - how could this person - this person who was allegedly successful and upcoming - put me to stand only 6 inches tall? How could this person make me feel that everything I have today is less than sufficient when Lord only knows what it took to climb out of the bottom of the devil's cauldron.
I am glad I realised this today, even though I said we need to talk about this next week. Because I will know then what I would say, and what I would do. And if I didn't reach this conclusion on my own, it would be no different from before and those are mistakes I do not want to repeat.
I am my own person. And I am God's gift to this world in my own way. I am special and I am unique. And I should not allow someone else to make me feel any less than. Or rather - I should not allow the threat and insecurity of someone else to make me feel any less than.
If Amanda were still talking to me - she would be so proud to see me come to realise this ALL ON MY OWN. So if you're reading this my dear dear friend - yes, it takes one big step forward to make me see things the way you've always been trying to tell me. But hey - you've always known me to be like this, never one really for small baby steps. And maybe that was what was holding me back from loving me, myself and I.
And as you always say - until I can love myself, I cannot love someone else.
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