My children's paternal grandfather had a fall Monday of last week. I was informed of it on Wednesday. I had the whole weekend to do something - drive and visit by myself, take the kids on a pseudo-outing to visit - a whole bunch of stuff I could have done.
This morning, the text came in to alert that he has passed on. And the whole bunch of stuff I could have done became as it is - stuff that I could have done BUT DID NOT!
As I got ready to leave the house, I was washed with grief - funny considering I was never close to him. Yet, in my heart at that moment in time, and even now, I knew him to be a man who tried and gave his best. He never wronged me, nor did he ever fault me for keeping his grandchildren away from him. Even in the last 2 years, despite me promising that I would take them to visit and not fulfill it, never once did he chastise me on it.
As my mum rightfully explained to my kids last week - his blood runs in them. That is a fact that we cannot avoid nor deny.
This morning, the text came in to alert that he has passed on. And the whole bunch of stuff I could have done became as it is - stuff that I could have done BUT DID NOT!
As I got ready to leave the house, I was washed with grief - funny considering I was never close to him. Yet, in my heart at that moment in time, and even now, I knew him to be a man who tried and gave his best. He never wronged me, nor did he ever fault me for keeping his grandchildren away from him. Even in the last 2 years, despite me promising that I would take them to visit and not fulfill it, never once did he chastise me on it.
As my mum rightfully explained to my kids last week - his blood runs in them. That is a fact that we cannot avoid nor deny.
I always pride myself for being one to do things so that when I go to my grave, I will go without any regrets. But my inaction, for whatever reasons they may have been, will cause me to take this one to my grave.
These are the things we beg for.
A root canal, an I.R.S. audit, coffee spilled on our clothes.
When the really terrible things happen,
we start begging the god we don't believe in to bring back the little horrors,
and take away this.
It seems quaint now, doesn't it?
The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak,
the fight that leaves you shaking with rage.
Would it have helped if we could see what else was coming?
Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?
A root canal, an I.R.S. audit, coffee spilled on our clothes.
When the really terrible things happen,
we start begging the god we don't believe in to bring back the little horrors,
and take away this.
It seems quaint now, doesn't it?
The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak,
the fight that leaves you shaking with rage.
Would it have helped if we could see what else was coming?
Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?
I can only pray that God gives his soul rest and peace, and that over time, I can learn to forgive myself.
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