It has been a tough morning for me today. A new year has meant nothing more than the changing of a table calendar. For the weight of yesterday still hangs heavy over my shoulder.
My dad's cancer is back. Some where in this thing he calls his body. And while things are inconclusive, he has decided that he will trust in God and not do anything anymore.
This knowledge brings with it some form of finality. For with his dicey situation, not knowing where it is at means that we cannot treat it. And to not treat it would eventually mean certain death.
Even in that certainty, we have to remain uncertain. For if we do not know where it is or how big it is, we do not know how long.
I have been thinking I steel myself against the very worst because I am a person who dares not hope. I have been concentrating my thoughts and struggle on the fact that I am the one born without the hope chest. My Pandora's box threw itself wide open way back then and even Hope got out before the lid could be shut on time.
And if I continue down this road, I would have missed the opportunity to profit from this experience, this bonus time with my dad. And it would be like my Camino all over again - to plan and trained and prepare but through all that, I missed out on the scenery, the mysteries and the joy of simply walking that pilgrimage.
There is a lesson to be learnt from all this. I know it deep down in my bones. But if I keep looking out for a sneak peek of the lesson plan, I will have missed the lesson itself.
If life, if the past is to mean anything - it is that the present is NOW, not tomorrow, not next year.
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