Watch the World Come Alive

I wish I could put down into words, what it feels like to be alive today.... like the wealthiest person on the face of this earth.

Today - this could be - the greatest day of our lives!

Ordinary and Extraordinary

o∙ver∙whelm ~ verb (used with object)

To overcome completely in mind or feeling.

I have had about a whole day to digest:

• The present explained and the past shared,
• Thoughts exchanged and dreams woven,
• Questions asked and answers given,
• Hands held and hugs lavished,
• Fears allayed and peace obtained

You light, the skies up above me
A star, so bright you blind me
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away

To cover or bury beneath a mass of something, as floodwaters, debris, or an avalanche; submerge.

Everything came together… Sentences finished by the other, without any leading on… The allowance of being one true’s self, without any mask… Emotions felt without it being portrayed.

I am wondering if there were some kind of unseen force, moving about the house last night – the energy levels just swept you away on every account, and it pulled you the harder you tried to fight it, unless exhausted and resigned, you give in to it carrying you along.

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me now

To load, heap, treat, or address with an overpowering or excessive amount of anything

I am sitting here, and I am sobbing. I am drowning in a sea of joy, an ocean of comfort, a heaven full of confidence, a valley of peace, and also a forest of acute loss. Each and every emotion so sharp it lifts me, so deep I feel the physical pain.

To overpower or overcome, esp. with superior forces; destroy; crush

I started out being the pom-pom girl, the cheer-leader ~ I ended up being the one rallied to carry on. He broke me ~ Broke me completely with simple words. All the words that we have all sought to quell my dust-bunnies, my demons: he had them all.

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight
For you

When you consciously relinquish your trust to somebody else, is when you realize that there are bigger things in this world than you. I have always heard it said that if you allow it, life will surprise you. But I never expected it to be this way or in this form. I was always the giver of words, but I’ve been a stranger to receiving them. Which is why this has to be recorded down here.

You and me
We can ride on a star, we can light up the sky
If you stay with me girl, if you stay by my side
We can rule the world

I have always known deep down inside, despite all the self-doubt and fears, that I was not ordinary. I didn’t think I’d live to see and hear the day when it’s said that not only am I extraordinary, but I make someone else extraordinary as well.

I have only one wish tonight – and that was that I could paint. Cos no amount of words can paint the clarity of this picture for you. A picture of someone once broken, slowly being pieced back together again.

"I won't let you fall ~ trust me on this."

Rule the world
~ Take That ~

Time to Sew

How do I know?

Because this time, it's about ME - doing it for myself.

Because this time, I am going back to the moments when I got stuck and getting unstuck there and then, so that history rewrites itself to my present and my future.

Because this time, I am being ME and I'm not afraid of it, nor are the crowds laughing at me.

I cannot find the words to describe this whole thing. I have been sitting here for a while now, and I can't. And I'm questioning if I even want to. For sometimes, some things do not need words to define it. To put words to them would lessen its value.

This is one of them.

I understand now what it means when it is said: I am everything, and I am nothing.

Getting There

I asked my friend a most interesting question last week: Do you think I ought to seek out a psychiatrist? His reply: Only if you think you need prescribed medicinal help. Otherwise, you’d be alright with just someone to guide you in a structured thinking manner.

I spent my lunch, sitting by the steps leading to my building, with my coffee on my side, cigarette in hand and book in lap. I’m currently reading The Zahir by Paulo Coelho and it’s making me see, think and feel things in a way that connects in my present frame of mind.

The Bear, who has been away, has been catching up on my postings and it has been a lot. But the truth is: NONE of them were rants! Writing has always been a form of therapy to me. When I sit down and write a posting for my blog, it reaches into the deepest recesses of my mind and encapsulates all that I think, feel and fear into words. And it is only here that I feel most comfortable letting it all out, in the manner that it has manifested itself. Cos the things that I think, feel and fear - they are not things which people talk about ordinarily.

I have to say this and say this here: I feel like I’m going on a different road – the road less traveled. One where the aim is to find the things that have made me stuck, standing still and admitting that I am stuck, and staring that acomodador in the eye and then moving on.

Saying “I don’t know why” or “I don’t want to talk about it” or “If I stay very still, it will pass me and go away” is no longer good enough. It drains me, it destroys me. I destroy me. And I give up control of myself to me.

I want this so badly, I can taste it in my mouth, feel it in my gut. But it doesn’t happen overnight. Even realizing something is not going to change things immediately. I have to mull it over, let it rip, let it out – over and over and over again, until it FEELS like the someone else’s story.

Then, and only then, will I know I’m there.

In Hidden Places

I had a bit of a tough time deciding what to do for dinner. I have a freezer full of food, but yet, the thought of coming home, fixing a plate and plunking in front of the telly did not appeal. Not today.

In that space of time, whilst driving from out from church, deciding which roads to take, I thought of all the people who, like me, were deciding what to do for dinner. To say that it comforted me - knowing I was only one soul amongst millions, it did not. To say that it sadden me - knowing that I do not have anyone to ask "What shall we do tonight?", it did not.

Not too long ago, each time the kids went away, I would fill my days with endless activities - just so I didn't have to do these things by myself. Not too long ago, each time my then-circle of friends had their own plans, I would go without food. Not too long ago, come Friday nights, I would ring up people I do not normally speak to, to ask "What's going down tonight?"

I am not thinking too much. I am thinking with a purpose - an intent to spring clean and clear out well and good, the thoughts that should be thought of. Some of them are pretty as peach, but most are nothing but rotten potatoes. I am seeking wisdom and guidance in all the places and things that are around me. I have to sort out the good from the bad, the worth remembering from the devil's advocates.

And I came across this that said: This will pass. But it is not in the main posting itself that I found some ounce of wisdom worth remembering, but in one of the comments were it says: My love, you must always remember, that everything in this World, good or bad, has an end.

I have never known reconciliation with the word "end", the finality of it all. Maybe I should - make peace with this lil word. For that which ENDS, it will have a this that will BEGIN.

Author's Note:

If you have not read any of Paulo Coelho's books, and you're floundering in life like I am, maybe you should pick up a copy. And my hope for you tonight, is that you will find words and phrases so often said to, and heard of, shining thru in a fashion that makes sense, bringing peace and depth of understanding.

34 and counting

My parents celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary yesterday. Imagine that - 34 years!

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here

I suppose it is something I often take for granted. Simply cos I do not really come from a circle of family friends their generation, where things don't work out. Even if it has broken down, they persist with it, till time naturally runs out.

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I sometimes sit and compare my parents' generation with my own. How much more tenacity they seem to have. And how the word "vow" has the meaning to which it has been assigned.

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I'll be here

Sure, my folks have their fights. Some days, my brother would ring me up and go "Dad's at his wits end on this cold war that Mum has started." Some days, my mum would be wiping down the dining table and going "Your F.A.T.H.E.R!"

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I will be here

Life has not been easy for my folks. And I wonder, if they were of my generation, I seriously do not think they would still be together, after all the crap that they have gone thru.

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

I will be here

A lot of people have been wondering the value, purpose and meaning of LIFE. Must be all that Oprah that goes on. And more often than nought, we hear that "all the successes in the world would be worthless, unless you had someone to share it with." And I ask myself - is marriage really a pillar, against which we should benchmark our success in life, and living? And how does that affect your success indicators, if it doesn't work out?

I will be here... When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind ~ I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin
'Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together cause I will be here

I am at this point in my life, where I am only just starting to understand what it means to 'love myself'. And looking back, the longest relationship I have ever had, lasted as long as it did, simply because we were too far apart for it to crumble. I do wonder, if I would be as blessed as my parents, to be surrounded by grandkids, in-laws, to be celerating even a 10th wedding anniversary at any point in the future. Right now, it's one of those things that fall into the 'unforseeable future' category.

I will be here....You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you
I will be here ... To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

If there is one thing that I have learnt, watching and living with the two grown-ups that I can my parents, it would be that marriage is something you've gotta keep working at. But no matter how bad, or how long a spell of a patch is, it is never worth the sacrifice of giving up the many blissful, ordinary days just for the pain to be over and done with for the moment. Cos living a lifetime without - it's just unimaginable.

The White Elephant in the Room

There are two key things you need to know about me, if you are to continue reading the Shooter, and understand anything of it; of me.

I do not want my mind / thoughts to spiral out of control each time I hit a brick wall.

I have been walking around for years, feeling ashamed. Ashamed of my own stupidity 8 years ago.

If anyone were to ask me, what I consider the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life, I would tell them, it was for not asking the right questions at the right time. For being so naïve as to believe that everyone in the world was as pure of heart as I was.

I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore.

I have been able to brush off the question of “How did you end up with two kids by the same chap and not be married?” Easy! He was already married to begin with. I do not consider myself a home-wrecker. Sure, I was the ONE that his ex found out about. But in all honesty, I was just that – the one he got found out with.

I did not see it coming. Truly! All my friends asked me over and over again – "Are you sure?" And it didn’t occur to my educated head to ask the king source himself. I don’t know. And when I did find out, it was a bit too late as Lydia was already on the way.

I want my children to know that despite not having a normal family, their lives can still be normal.

Sure, we could have made it work. We sure were trying our guts out to. How could you not when you share a child between the both of you? Days were long and hard – two adults and a child surviving on my salary. That’s how I know how far a couple of thousands can stretch in a month.

They always say, you learn from your mistakes. And I was so determined to this time round that I consistently asked. Asked to the point it wore him out. And when someone who didn’t make life that eventful or tedious came along, he took the easy way out. *Cue the drum roll* AGAIN, I did not see it coming. How could you, when you have your son on the way?

For the last 6 years, “asking” has been for me a damn if you do, and damn if you don’t situation. Maybe people mistake it as me being 'restful'. And the toil it has taken on me to be this restful – only a handful know. For because I cannot vocalize my thoughts, my curiosity, my gut feel – I go on a self-induced spiral of “What-ifs” scenarios that ends in the only outcome I know: me failing.

There will always be things beyond my control and IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Last week, when I dipped, I didn’t think of popping the entire bag of valium on the dining table (yes, I am fast achieving Charlie’s dining habits!), nor did I wonder how many times I would need to throw myself off the balcony before I could no longer get up. But here’s the scary thing – I sat on my balcony, with a lit fag in my hand, and watched it go towards the billowing balcony sheer curtains, wondering how long I had to hold it there before it catches fire.

They say, you always treat the disease and not the symptoms. I guess we’ve all been going about it the wrong way – pining the blame at the doors of people with names. When at the heart of it, it was my name and my shame.

No one can control my life’s direction except MY OWN SELF

They asked, 'Why are you always your biggest critic?” So here you have it folks – the answer. Cos I let MY OWN SELF down.

I am not going to wake up tomorrow arriving at that ‘point’ – the point where we all wanna be at. It takes time. I acknowledge that now.

I AM UNIQUE.

I have 3 pieces of blank big square paper stuck on the wall on my dining room (and don’t worry – I used blue-tack since I’m moving soon). Two of them are filled with post-it notes in all sorts of colours. One of them has a header but is blank.

I will not doubt myself – my abilities, my judgment, my decisions.

It doesn’t have to be blank. But I have left it blank. I cannot complete that last one. I can try and I have tried. But at the end of the day, what I have tried to do was based on my assumptions. And on this sheet – assumptions are not going to fly. And I am going to say as much. For while I feel like my assumptions did not fall too far from the tree, I cannot say I am 100% sure.

I will not fear the future and happiness.

And I am not going to go by the fly of the seat of my pants anymore. Nor do I want to live in doubt or play multiple-choice questions. It is not my responsibility to fill in the answers. But it is my responsibility to ask the questions.

The brick walls are there to stop the
people who don’t want it badly enough.
They are there to stop the other people.

Randy Pausch

I will believe that I too deserve to have a joyful and meaningful life.