The White Elephant in the Room

There are two key things you need to know about me, if you are to continue reading the Shooter, and understand anything of it; of me.

I do not want my mind / thoughts to spiral out of control each time I hit a brick wall.

I have been walking around for years, feeling ashamed. Ashamed of my own stupidity 8 years ago.

If anyone were to ask me, what I consider the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life, I would tell them, it was for not asking the right questions at the right time. For being so naïve as to believe that everyone in the world was as pure of heart as I was.

I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore.

I have been able to brush off the question of “How did you end up with two kids by the same chap and not be married?” Easy! He was already married to begin with. I do not consider myself a home-wrecker. Sure, I was the ONE that his ex found out about. But in all honesty, I was just that – the one he got found out with.

I did not see it coming. Truly! All my friends asked me over and over again – "Are you sure?" And it didn’t occur to my educated head to ask the king source himself. I don’t know. And when I did find out, it was a bit too late as Lydia was already on the way.

I want my children to know that despite not having a normal family, their lives can still be normal.

Sure, we could have made it work. We sure were trying our guts out to. How could you not when you share a child between the both of you? Days were long and hard – two adults and a child surviving on my salary. That’s how I know how far a couple of thousands can stretch in a month.

They always say, you learn from your mistakes. And I was so determined to this time round that I consistently asked. Asked to the point it wore him out. And when someone who didn’t make life that eventful or tedious came along, he took the easy way out. *Cue the drum roll* AGAIN, I did not see it coming. How could you, when you have your son on the way?

For the last 6 years, “asking” has been for me a damn if you do, and damn if you don’t situation. Maybe people mistake it as me being 'restful'. And the toil it has taken on me to be this restful – only a handful know. For because I cannot vocalize my thoughts, my curiosity, my gut feel – I go on a self-induced spiral of “What-ifs” scenarios that ends in the only outcome I know: me failing.

There will always be things beyond my control and IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Last week, when I dipped, I didn’t think of popping the entire bag of valium on the dining table (yes, I am fast achieving Charlie’s dining habits!), nor did I wonder how many times I would need to throw myself off the balcony before I could no longer get up. But here’s the scary thing – I sat on my balcony, with a lit fag in my hand, and watched it go towards the billowing balcony sheer curtains, wondering how long I had to hold it there before it catches fire.

They say, you always treat the disease and not the symptoms. I guess we’ve all been going about it the wrong way – pining the blame at the doors of people with names. When at the heart of it, it was my name and my shame.

No one can control my life’s direction except MY OWN SELF

They asked, 'Why are you always your biggest critic?” So here you have it folks – the answer. Cos I let MY OWN SELF down.

I am not going to wake up tomorrow arriving at that ‘point’ – the point where we all wanna be at. It takes time. I acknowledge that now.

I AM UNIQUE.

I have 3 pieces of blank big square paper stuck on the wall on my dining room (and don’t worry – I used blue-tack since I’m moving soon). Two of them are filled with post-it notes in all sorts of colours. One of them has a header but is blank.

I will not doubt myself – my abilities, my judgment, my decisions.

It doesn’t have to be blank. But I have left it blank. I cannot complete that last one. I can try and I have tried. But at the end of the day, what I have tried to do was based on my assumptions. And on this sheet – assumptions are not going to fly. And I am going to say as much. For while I feel like my assumptions did not fall too far from the tree, I cannot say I am 100% sure.

I will not fear the future and happiness.

And I am not going to go by the fly of the seat of my pants anymore. Nor do I want to live in doubt or play multiple-choice questions. It is not my responsibility to fill in the answers. But it is my responsibility to ask the questions.

The brick walls are there to stop the
people who don’t want it badly enough.
They are there to stop the other people.

Randy Pausch

I will believe that I too deserve to have a joyful and meaningful life.