Forgotten and Blurred

Yesterday marked the final 2 months of this long and winding road that I have been on. I must admit - off-late, it had become to feel more like a walk with a stubborn mule, than a stroll towards the end of this rainbow.

I have ceased looking forward to 1st October with any joy or excitement. I could not muster the buzz than Ben felt and still feels. It had come to a point of thinking that it was a bargain that I had struck with the Devil (though I think that if that was the case, it wouldn't be this difficult a journey!)

As I sit here and force myself to acknowledge the ugly truth before I go to work, I am trying to remember words I wrote 2 years ago, when it was just pain and frustration. I am forcing myself to reconcile to the fact(s) that I had definitely lost sight of what is good and real.

I had let arrogance, greed and envy (AGE) overcome me and those are not the list of things that I want to be counting as my traits. As a person. As a Christian. As one who follows the path that was written even before I was born.

I had let the feeling of smallness of parking my lil WiNK mobile alongside the Beamers, the Mercs and the SUVs, get to me. I had let the shame of a rented 940 sq ft in the sky hung so heavy on my shoulders it has made me stoop so low I am almost face-to-face with the dirt of the earth. I had let the gluttony of lunching at the best places in my building fill me to the limit, there was no more space left for clarity and humility.

"I have lived out of suitcases and airports, I have power-lunched with head honchos, I have railed and banged my fair share of conference tables and I have signed enough documents. None of them brought me the sense of fulfillment I sought. I am currently doing the ONE thing that I am passionate about. As a wise bread man once said – there is nothing to be envious about when it comes to tones of emails to reply, phone calls to return or mountains of paperwork to tackle. It’s not the amount of time I spend in the office, or the amount of walking I do. Yet each minute I spend at it, might change someone’s future just that little bit. And no amount of frequent flyer miles can bring about that."

I used to pride myself of my ability to walk the mile in someone else's shoes. But in the midst of everything, I had allowed AGE to think that it was my own two hands that brought about these results. I now stand at this journey marker, humble and contrite, and say that I am wrong to have thought so. And I apologise.

I may have had a long arduous climb towards getting here, but the truth is this: I did not do it by myself. All these that has happened before me, and all that will happen from here on out - it is given to me indeed on a silver platter. And again, I apologise.

Two months. Much to do. Much to clear. Much to create. 

But more importantly, much to keep close at heart, mind and soul.