This and That

I've been thinking all day (and all night) how to make sense of all this. Of the fact that for a good hour, you talked and I did not even want to look at you (though some may say "Well Done Barbsie!") Of how I was on the verge of walking to the door, opening it and saying "Please leave and don't ever come back!" Of how I waited and waited and waited for the stabbing pain right in the pit of your tummy to hit, and it never did.

I was told last night that my BFFs were not Mandy and Alex. But trust and commitment, with disappointment and risk trailing behind. And how we're gonna work through them, one at a time but eventually we're gonna returned me whole and healed.

I laugh now as I recall that. I laugh still at how you disregard my warning - many have come before you and tried and they have walked away, failed.

Oh dear God. How did I come a full circle? Right back where we left off - where we worked so hard to stay away from. Do we say then now that nothing's changed? Do we say we've tried, and it didn't work and perhaps this is rightfully where we're meant to be?

So many questions in my head, and yours. So many said out-loud in the open, in the still of the night. With it, so many answers I am trying to squash in my head - silence them back into the deep dark recesses of my mind.

Yet, try as I may, there's one that just won't. And not because it's the one that I need to hear, dark and twisted that I am right now. But it's the one that I'm gonna put down and lock forever in my virtual metal box. Cos it's the only one that's gonna keep screaming louder and louder and louder until I break it down. And this one - I do not want to break down.

You're still here cos you chose to.

If only I can believe it myself.