Evergreen

So it's Valentine's Day. And I let it pass me by, unobserved, unmarked.

Why do we have to listen to our hearts? Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure. 

I started the day, just staying in and reflecting - words, words, words - nothing but words going through my head. But I held them off. Kept them at bay. They didn't see no text, email or notes. Perhaps towards the end of this day, I may just write them down - just so that they are said. But still, they have yet to find their own momentum - so perhaps not.

My heart is a traitor, it doesn’t want me to go on ~ That makes sense. Naturally it’s afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won.

I observed a kid this afternoon as the sky overhead aggressively got gloomier with the threat of rain heavy in the air. I observed him as I walked towards my appointment - he was all chirpy, cheerful - holding a bouquet of roses in his arms as he waited for the girl to show. And hour later, in near dark skies, I walked out - his smile was gone and anxiety was written all over his face as his stared down at the flowers and his mobile. I doubt it beeped before the rains came.

Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?  Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world.

It may be the folly of youth. But then again, when you're young - nothing scares you. The monsters in the closet are as soft and cuddly as Scully. The Randalls of the world have yet to show up at your doorstep and haunt your dreams.

If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that (treason) to you. Because you’ll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them.

There will be a celebration. This weekend. And for once in a long time, I find myself thinking ahead - what to cook, what music to play... but I shall stop at there and not go into what to say. Because if anything the last few months have taught me, it would be that by preventing myself from looking forward to the evening, I have brought nothing but dread, anxiety and frustration to myself.

My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer ~ Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.

They say, you bring some of your past into your present. And try as I may not to do that - I have failed miserably. My Tennessee Line has not yet been crossed. And while I work at it, it does us no good (NO GOOD AT ALL!) to have it hang out right in front the obvious truth. The past is still very much present.

Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out indeed, to be threatening place. So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly.

My own version of the above is absolute silence. And I have been doing much of that lately. Where once I spoke my heart and mind, I instead kept silent. And when you've been with someone for coming close to 3 years, the silence does not escape you.

Our best times (with the hope that there is still more to come) were those where communication took place. When I cast to the winds, the fears, the Randalls and everything bad that comes with it and said what I felt.

We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.

And I want to bring that back, with all my heart - even if it holds things that I am afraid off. Like being even further away with even less time. I want to bring it back cos we may be nothing but we are in fact something.

And that something is worth me fighting for. Just as you fight all the time to bring me back from my darkness and my twisted-ness. With your telling me to "listen to the drums in the background" or that you feel the "need to get our lives back to normal".

So yes, it is worth me fighting with all I have. For if I don't try, I would have already lost. And at the end of the day, despite all that you are (not), you're all I want and need.

Phrases in italics are taken from 

Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist