Tv Off

I just had to make that first move and reconnect with Ben last night. Needless to say, the last few months has been everything but a smooth sail. 

Love can consign us to hell or to paradise,
but it always takes us somewhere.
We simply have to accept it,
because it is what nourishes our existence.
If we reject it, we die of hunger,
because we lack courage to stretch out a hand and
pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life.
We have to take love where we find it,
even if it means hours, days, weeks of
disappointments and sadness. 

I guess at the end of the day it comes down to this: I was never promised the world. And when faced with that choice then, I took it and ran. And I've been running with it since. - years later. Sure there are days when I question: Where is all this going to see me ending up at? And there are some days I am so confident of what I feel and what it is, it doesn't touch me one bit. 

Can I fault him when he has been nothing but clear and focused? Is it fair to go shouting "I've been giving and giving!" when he's never asked to receive?

It's simple but not perfect. Hasn't he said it a thousand times over, especially when he thinks I need to be reminded of it? And it has to be said - it must be working to some extent - it's soon coming 3 years on. (By golly, has it been that long?!)

I need to snap out of this emotional dip - it does no one any good. Instead of looking forward to my one day a month, I have been dreading it. Instead of smiling and laughing, I have been spoiling for fights. If I were in his shoes, I'd put off coming home - just so I don't get into any trouble that I don't think I should be in!

The hours of waiting have been
transformed into tension,
the tension has become fear,
and the fear makes you embarrassed about
showing affection.

There is always a solution to every problem. And some of them is as simple as not to not have the problem exist in the first instance. While some may say I'm living in the land of the-nile, there would also be some who may say - you've made your bed, now lie in it!

It's tough all around. And rough sometimes too. But I just have but to believe in it! And playing the same sad sobbing programme over and over again in my head is NOT the solution - it is THE problem. So I'm turning this emotional TV show off.

Life is too short. I am not wasting it.

Love doesn’t ask many questions, 

because if we stop to think we become fearful. 

It’s an inexplicable fear; 

it’s difficult even to describe it. 

Maybe it’s the fear of being scorned, 

of not being accepted, 

or of breaking the spell. 

It’s ridiculous, but that’s the way it is. 

That’s why you don’t ask - you act. 

As you’ve said many times, you have to take risks.

Instead, I shall live it.