Very few would understand when I say this effort has taken the biggest toll on me. My schedule and my budget have already gone out the window. But that aside, it has wrecked me completely emotionally. And as I sit here this morning, I have never felt more alone - yes, not even my Camino beats this.
I keep thinking, maybe I jinxed my own self ~ this year at my birthday, I didn't write my usual yearly reflection on whether I make my parents proud. I assumed that after everything I had done this year, I have already proven myself. And thus, it was a given fact. *Beep* WRONG! Nothing in life is a fact except perhaps death and taxes.
If anything these last week (and it's only Wednesday!) has taught me is this: I would always be that disappointing child. The one that can never do right, no matter how hard I try.
And so today I stand and say "I'm done." 36 years of trying is a long hard time to try and to swallow it all in. When some don't even need to try, and in their not "trying" they get rewarded. So why should I bother?
If I were to not see the sun go down today, let it say on my head stone
Here lies the one who tried and failed.
The one who was always the let down.
Here lies our disappointing child.
The one who was always the let down.
Here lies our disappointing child.
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