Big Day

It's a big day today... for me... at least!

It's been talked about till kingdom come, blogged about till the alphabets ran off the keys, and it's been agonized about over too many cups of tea. But nonetheless, if I put my head down to it ~ I will and I can.

He's finally legit and I'm darn proud of it (even though it's only a piece of paper) cos it's a phase of life that I have always hoped of arriving at, but never had the guts nor confidence to push on to. 

And who exactly is he?

Well, a few more nights at the pc and you'll find out about it.

But for tonight - I shall go on to my pigeon hole in the sky, and ...

Put the bloody lime in the coconut and drink a toast to my reflection in the mirror and me!

It isn't afterall everyday that one becomes a business owner :o)

Can Anybody Hear Me?

"Be your own best friend" said Paul in his comment that he left to me, from some 400 miles away. And tonight, as I sit here at my desk, drained - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, trying very hard not to go camp next to my fridge with vodka on my left and my fags on my right - they are the only words that hang still in my mind...

There's a little boy waiting at the counter of the corner shop

He's been waiting down there, waiting half the day,

They never ever see him from the top

He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground,

He gets to his feet and he says...

"It's one of those days" I told the LegalBeagle earlier on when I asked him for an online hug. Imagine that - asking an almost stranger (no offense mate!) for a virtual hug just to feel better about myself and my day. "What's eating you" was his reply ~ after giving a virtual hug of course. And I thought - how do I even begin to unravel all these things that needs to be ravelled?

There's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop

She's been waiting back there, waiting for a dream,

Her dreams walk in and out, they never stop

Well, she's not too proud, to cry out loud

She runs to the street and she screams...

They say that blood is thicker than water. Yet all my dad could think to do while I ran all the way home was to surf the net. I'm an adult, not one really prone to whinning and whinging. But I cannot help compare of how he rallied the phone lines to our family when my brother was in crisis. So what am I doing wrong that all I get is a cursory "yes", "no", "patience"?

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more than you give

I am standing on the edge of venturing into unknown pastures - of setting up something of my own.. well, technically I would own half of it. And I can't even tell my folks cos I cannot anticipate how they would react. And really, the last 4 months of working on it, has given me enough heartache ~ I do not think I would be able to take another one.

Take a step back and see the little people

They might be young, but they're the ones that make the big people big

So listen as they whisper: "What about me?"

I asked a year ago - how is it that people, who do not have the same DNA as me, nor the same blood running through our veins can see so much in me, yet those that share the basic human commonalities with me, CAN NOT? My partner in kyrme, trusts me so much with how I will give shape to his dream, that he can give me absolute decision making power. My girlfriend can drop everything she had to do, without me even asking, and not just to sit by me but to make sure I eat.

And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home

Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and alone

So somebody please tell me - why is it in that lil box they call home, nobody sees me? Nobody hears me?

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more than I've got...

What is it that I have to do, to achieve, to accomplish... to get equal footing in that lil box, everyone else calls my home?

I am so tired of all of it, of everyone, and bearing everything on my own that I do wonder if it would all be far better if I just downed a whole tab of valium, wash it down with a bottle of CC and go off to sleep for a lifetime. Right now, it sure seems a pretty appealing prospects cos I have tried everything else and nothing's worked.

Under~Stand

It was a disturbed sleep night. Can't say I am well rested at all. So I am very thankful that today is a holiday and that my brother has taken the kids to the beach for a break. I guess that is what happens when one goes to bed fuming and raging.

un⋅der⋅stand ~ verb (used witah object)

1. To perceive the meaning of; grasp the idea of; comprehend
   
2. To be thoroughly familiar with; apprehend clearly the character, nature, or subtleties of
   
3. To assign a meaning to; interpret
   
4. To grasp the significance, implications, or importance of
   
5. To regard as firmly communicated; take as agreed or settled
   
6. To learn or hear
   
7. To accept as true; believe
   
8. To construe in a particular way
   
9. To supply mentally (something that is not expressed)
   

With a clear head this morning, waking up to a drizzle (correct me if I'm wrong, but our weather's gone way wonky hasn't it?), I have been trying to wrap my head around the whole concept of "dishonesty" and "betrayal". On one hand, I cannot get past the fact that given countless opportunities to wipe the slate clean, it wasn't taken. WHAT GIVES?! Yet on the other, I can fully comprehend... no wait, there is nothing that I can comprehend. 

Carrying on from late last night, I suppose I can say that I am anger and upset because I was the greater fool. And that doesn't sit well at all with me. And to have someone can make light of having misplaced my trust so easily and callously, just adds fuel to the fire.

I am sick and tired of all these half-truths. Truly - it wears me down more than anyone else can fathom. It doesn't throw me into a spiral of despair, but it does dig up a whole dejavu sensation of "having been there and done that."

Yes, I am having severe beef with something so trivial. But that's because I have been taken on one ride too many, and honestly - I am perfectly capable of driving myself off the edge of the cliff.

So do me a damn favour and stop jumping on the hood!

Names, Ages and Birthdays

I just updated my Facebook status, and it cannot be more honest than it is. I am fishing pissed off right this very moment, and it has been building over the course of the last 2 hours. To prove that I too can bite and not let go, I had to drive the point home. Cos honestly, I TOO have thresholds. And this was reaching it.

It doesnt matter how sad I made you

Doesn't matter how hard I try

Just remember the same old reason reflected in your eyes

You said you wanted me

I have never, ever in the past year lost my cool with this one person. For every action, I had an equal and POSITIVE reaction. But I have to say, if anyone ever thought that this lassy could be nicely walked over, not once, twice, thrice or more - they seriously need their heads checked. 

So yes, I am fish-sticks-and-frog-legs fuming right now (STILL!!!!) and I reckon, I would be for days to come.

And I hate to say it out loud, but it has to be done. The trust has been violated and broken. Which is the most likely reason why I am capable of reaching this level of angst and anger (Surprise! Surprise! It can be done!). Short of coming out right and saying "Do you realise what an utter fool you have made of me?!"

Seriously, right now - I'd tell ya to take your fucking frog and whatever else it is you are, and go straight to fucking hell.

Caught up in your wishin' well

Your hopes and sadness

Take your love and promises

And make them last

I so do not need to be your fucking hero. Cos being a hero to someone who can't even get the basics right - isn't very heroic at all in my books.

I'm just simply caught by my own word being my honour.

Reflections of A Year Past

It feels like it's been forever. Yet it's been a mere 365 days. A full year.

It's quite amazing and fascinating, if you were to take a step back, consider then and now, and see how vastly different things are today.

Nonetheless, a year has come and gone. And truly back then - if you were to ask me if I ever thought that I would be here today ~ I would have honestly laughed at you in the face till tears rolled down my cheeks.

I honestly didn't think that life could be better back then, for today.

And even if a year from today, things were to be different than they are now, I would have no regrets. None at all.

Sex, Lies, Videotapes!

con⋅demn ~ verb (used with object)

1. To express an unfavorable or adverse judgment on; indicate strong disapproval of; censure.
2. To pronounce to be guilty; sentence to punishment.
3. To give grounds or reason for convicting or censuring.
4. To judge or pronounce to be unfit for use or service.
5. To force into a specific state or activity.
6. To declare incurable.

There has been a multitude of news lately in our local media about so-and-so caught on tape, video, cameraphone, dvd, etc doing such-and-such a thing. Needless to say, a tonne of people have had their two-cents recorded about it as well.

It has spurred a round of debates on what is privacy and how people in positions of limelight, power, authority and public respect should conduct themselves, lest they get snared in this world of free-for-all that we now live in.

I have no particular opinions on whether what they have done is right or wrong. I mean – it is after all their own lives. At the end of the day, if they can sleep well at night and be able to face their Maker with a straight face – who am I to judge? I can be many things to many people, but GOD I sure ain’t.

I do have beef with them who feel so betrayed that they have to continuously remind people of this wrong-doing perpetrated. Do they not realise that by keeping this piece of tit-bit on the edge of their tongues, they are nothing but oxygen is to fire?

Sure, you feel betrayed – but who asked you to place mere mortals on pedestals in the first place? People of positions of power, authority and respect, are but mere vessels for you to connect to the truth ~ they are not the truth incarnate. And whether you’re doing it with the intent of causing more damage, it is irrevocably causing harm already.

True that there are some positions of authority that have strict rules that one must abide by, but let’s face it – we are all humans, subjected to frailties and moments of blindness. If them who have sinned, are able to make peace with God and be truly repent – again, who are we to hold it against them?

As it was said by Jesus in John  8:7 “Let him among you who is without sin be the first to send a stone at her.”  

We are all with sin. So let’s just zip our mouths shut and not reduce ourselves to being a mere atom of oxygen by spreading it on.

If you must do something about it, then pray for the sinner to find the courage to make peace and be truly repent.

And mind you – this prayer can remain between you and your Maker.

To Love

This post is inspired by the book Brida by Paulo Coelho as well as 1 Corinthians Chapter 13. In the ever great search of answers, as to why I do the things I do, feel the things I feel, put up with the things that I put up with: maybe the answer will come to us in this. And if it doesn't ~ does it really matter?

We all sing the songs that speak of love and devotion, of endless sacrifices, waiting on street corners in the rain, just to find love. While these songs may teach us a thing or two about this greatest of emotions, it does not always say that this emotion helps you understand and learn. 

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels,

But do not have love,

I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 

If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge;

And if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains,

But do not have love, I am nothing. 

And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, 

And if I surrender my body to be burned,

But do not have love, it profits me nothing. 

They say love allows you to understand all the mysteries of life and the universe. Things which seem stupid to others, you see the wisdom within ... and without. And you understand that to love, is to give wholly as each of these act stated above requires ~ without expecting anything in return.

Love is patient;

Love is kind and is not jealous;

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, 

Does not act unbecomingly;

It does not seek its own, is not provoked,

Does not take into account a wrong suffered,

Does not rejoice in unrighteousness,

But rejoices with the truth; 

Bears all things, believes all things,

Hopes all things, endures all things. 

Virtues, virtues, virtues. Nothing but virtues that only saints can comprehend and achieve in one lifetime. So then, what hope can a mere mortal have of reaching the heights of the saints?

There surely must be a way we can meet all these requirements, at least once in our lifetime? For is it not each person’s destiny to live life to its fullest, and that includes giving and experiencing love in all its glory?

Again, by using “experiencing” and not “receiving” which goes synonymously with “giving”, why is it then so difficult to most to accept that love, again, is unconditional – to give without expecting in return.

Love never fails;

But if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away;

If there are tongues, they will cease;

If there is knowledge, it will be done away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part; 

But when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away. 

When I was a child, I used to speak like a child,

Think like a child, reason like a child;

When I became a man, I did away with childish things. 

For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face;

Now I know in part,

But then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.

Many may think that to love one’s self is to give the best for one’s self ~ I beg to differ. For to love myself, would be to understand my own self, my reason(s) for living and daring to go on, day after day, for those same reasons, accepting with this commitment the fear of pain, loss and separation. And if I can accept myself, then these same elements of fear would not be the emotions that kill me.

But if I cannot accept myself and my commitment, these elements of fear would be the ones to make me stop living. Do we allow the disappointments in life, which brings these wild horses of emotions to reign supreme, renouncing all that we know is of most importance: that of giving and experiencing?

But now faith, hope, love, abide these three;

But the greatest of these is love.

In Brida, it was said: 

It (faith) only existed because she believed in it. Miracles couldn’t be explained either, but they existed for those who believe in them. Faith is a Dark Night. And that’s hardly a surprise really, because for us each day is a dark night. None of us knows what might happen even the next minute, and yet still we go forwards. Because we trust. Because we have Faith.

The Bible says of Faith, Hope and Love - the greatest of these is LOVE.

And it is indeed the greatest of all because it brings us back to being the closest we could ever be with the intent of our creation: For God created us in his Likeness, and the most supreme virtue of being God is His great capacity to Love.