Can Anybody Hear Me?

"Be your own best friend" said Paul in his comment that he left to me, from some 400 miles away. And tonight, as I sit here at my desk, drained - mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically, trying very hard not to go camp next to my fridge with vodka on my left and my fags on my right - they are the only words that hang still in my mind...

There's a little boy waiting at the counter of the corner shop

He's been waiting down there, waiting half the day,

They never ever see him from the top

He gets pushed around, knocked to the ground,

He gets to his feet and he says...

"It's one of those days" I told the LegalBeagle earlier on when I asked him for an online hug. Imagine that - asking an almost stranger (no offense mate!) for a virtual hug just to feel better about myself and my day. "What's eating you" was his reply ~ after giving a virtual hug of course. And I thought - how do I even begin to unravel all these things that needs to be ravelled?

There's a pretty girl serving at the counter of the corner shop

She's been waiting back there, waiting for a dream,

Her dreams walk in and out, they never stop

Well, she's not too proud, to cry out loud

She runs to the street and she screams...

They say that blood is thicker than water. Yet all my dad could think to do while I ran all the way home was to surf the net. I'm an adult, not one really prone to whinning and whinging. But I cannot help compare of how he rallied the phone lines to our family when my brother was in crisis. So what am I doing wrong that all I get is a cursory "yes", "no", "patience"?

What about me? It isn't fair

I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more than you give

I am standing on the edge of venturing into unknown pastures - of setting up something of my own.. well, technically I would own half of it. And I can't even tell my folks cos I cannot anticipate how they would react. And really, the last 4 months of working on it, has given me enough heartache ~ I do not think I would be able to take another one.

Take a step back and see the little people

They might be young, but they're the ones that make the big people big

So listen as they whisper: "What about me?"

I asked a year ago - how is it that people, who do not have the same DNA as me, nor the same blood running through our veins can see so much in me, yet those that share the basic human commonalities with me, CAN NOT? My partner in kyrme, trusts me so much with how I will give shape to his dream, that he can give me absolute decision making power. My girlfriend can drop everything she had to do, without me even asking, and not just to sit by me but to make sure I eat.

And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home

Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and alone

So somebody please tell me - why is it in that lil box they call home, nobody sees me? Nobody hears me?

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more than I've got...

What is it that I have to do, to achieve, to accomplish... to get equal footing in that lil box, everyone else calls my home?

I am so tired of all of it, of everyone, and bearing everything on my own that I do wonder if it would all be far better if I just downed a whole tab of valium, wash it down with a bottle of CC and go off to sleep for a lifetime. Right now, it sure seems a pretty appealing prospects cos I have tried everything else and nothing's worked.