Saturday, January 8, 2011

Borrowed Words Again

Such a grueling day - physically and mentally. And I shudder when I think of the next 2 weeks, and the months ahead. Let's not even go to where we reach deep inside and think of the years ahead.

In all honesty, I have been drowning these past couple of weeks, living some kinda of hell that lies in the land of denial. And it all came crashing down this evening, when I looked at my phone and saw a familiar name and number.

Because it's so late into the day (or early in the morning), and because I've just written a detailed report for the bosses, I have but to borrow words again...

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now

I've said it before.. and I'll say it again.. I love you but I bloody hate your job! And I'm now adding to it your complex rules for living a simple life!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Things from my head

I'm in a whining mood tonight. Well, I haven't exactly winged it out as yet but it's there, boiling slightly beneath the surface of things.

There can be so many things for me to complain about tonight. And yes, right up there would be the cause of a bag that taunts me each time I drive by. But here's the thing that's stopping me from having a right go: my number whine would be about a billboard? WTF?! Besides, haven't I already decided that I like the look of a bag that was described as a "Hermes look-a-like" at under RM 90?!

I've gotta let it go. Accept the fact that if I want to bask in that, I can always go lie on my parents' couch instead. Which would always be better cos 1) it's a nice comfy couch to have a lie-in on and 2) it brings me home.

I've gotta let it go. Accept the fact that some people can be so self-righteous on the outside but so hypocritical on the inside. Which is good cos it taught me first-hand never to trust the hand that fed you, especially if it was ill-maintained just to show.

I've gotta let it go. Accept the fact that if I'm having a bad day, week or moment, I do not have the luxury of running off to a corner, picking up the phone and dialing a number. Which is good cos it forces me to sit down, take a moment and think it out on my own, exercise that rationale a bit on my own. And if I can't fight it over, I always have the option of tipperty-tapping it away in an email for you to read at your leisure. And knowing me, it'll still be beef to me then.

It's the 6th day of the new year - and I do not want to set the tone for the rest of the year to be so. Especially when there are so many other things to concern myself with. 

I shall sleep tonight, forming things (thoughts) in my head and visualise it bit by bit, piece by piece. Then as I drift off to my la-la-land, I shall release these things out into the world.

Tomorrow, it shall be.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Tennessee Lines


I didn't expect my first posting of the year to be one of this nature. A recounting of how I lost my first battle of the year with my demons.

When a call goes unanswered, a text unresponded to ... I go into this battle with my past.

I don't know why it's come back to haunt me. I truly don't. But if I don't get to the bottom of it, I know of only one path that it will lead to.

I feel stupid right now. Stupid and silly. And only that wee bit tall. And I grow smaller as the drums (literally) play back in my head.

Some folks are built for relationships. Some folks are not. Question: which folk do I belong to?

I need to cross my Tennessee line so that I can let go off my demons and start living without.

I'm so sorry I  doubted you (again!).

Friday, December 31, 2010

Finding Salt

"A grain of salt, without its saltiness, is just another grain of mineral," said my wise man of the decade. 

So here I am, at the desk, some four hours before the old calendar gets thrown out and replaced with a brand new one. For a year where I had hardly written anything, the pressure of doing the 2010 capping blog is intense. Yet, some 10 days ago, the title for this closing reflection was already decided. So it really shouldn't be all that difficult, right? Or should it be even tougher?

Salt ~ noun :  
  1. A crystalline compound, sodium chloride, occurring as a mineral, a constituent of seawater.
  2. A product formed by the neutralization of an acid by a base.
  3. An element that gives liveliness, piquancy, or pungency.
In the last day or so, I have been trying very hard to recall what transpired this year. A momentous 365 days, no doubt about it. Yet, nothing really significant comes to mind when it is called. A strange occurrence indeed, except that it is not when I really sit down and think about the whys and the how-could-this-be.

I have been so wrapped up and warped by fears and trepidations that it had pushed everything else aside. Have I really lived in 2010? Or did I let the better part of it pass me by?

Life is all about experiencing. And I did not do much of it the earlier part of the year. But as we flip another page, open another chapter, I am grateful and glad that I was awaken from it soon enough to be able to still savour what was left of it.
 
And that is what I want to remember today, the last day of the the year 2010: all the lessons I have learnt this year. Yes - the lessons, not the accomplishments. 

For it is the lessons that will see me through the rest of the days and years to come. For it is the lessons that will shape me to be a better person. And I could not have acquired such knowledge if not for the guiding hands of the Almighty and the persons He put in my path.

As I googled the definition of salt, I could not be more blown away to see one of its scientific definitions come up as a product formed by the neutralization of an acid by a base. As Paulo Coelho writes in his closing blog for the year - Stop being who you were, and change into who you are. It could not be more apt as I look forward to the future.

And it is a future that shines bright, with some possibilities of bad thunderstorms along the way. But I am ready to weather it through, even if I come out of it slightly less intact than before. Because I am reminded yet again, that it is the experience of it that is of most important. And not what I am left with (or without) at the end of the journey.

If I had to write a resolution for next year tonight, it would be to always find salt. For wasn't it also said, "So be like salt: stay true to who you are!" 

Happy New Year 2011 one and all.... I hope your year has been as fruitful and rewarding as mine has been. If you had to suffer some form of hardship, feel some heartache, sit through some very dark nights - I hope you'll be able to see it like I do. If you had nothing but endless days of joys, I wish you the same for the days to come and that you'll wake up each day thanking the heavens for your continuous blessing. And that you also start the day thanking the heavens for the blessing of the day itself. 

As the LegalBeagle rightfully said it earlier: Did you realise nothing is really ending? We'll see you tomorrow!

Author's Note:
I am thankful for each and every day that you have filled my days with. Yes, it is not perfect but it is simple enough for me to see it as it is, and appreciate it for what it is. 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Starts, Finishes and the Bit in Between

The end of the year is already upon us ~ where did the time go? It feels as if so much had taken place in 2010, yet it feels so unimportant.But 2010 was an important year, not just in a specific milestone but in so many other milestones that weren't marked down.

How do I end this year with a blog worthy of all that has happened in between? How do I put words down to a period of growth and learning that I never thought possible before? Even now, as I try to start reflecting, I cannot pin down one major theme of the year to anchor my thoughts to.

There was a song that one of my yoga instructors played towards the end of our session. And the words go something like this - "I am stand here before you, covered in gratefulness."

And that's all I can think about... perhaps that should be it...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Roundabout


Here's another reason why: you go this roundabout way to tell me something, without quite saying it out loud in plain a-b-c.

Maybe one day i'll figure why is it that you do that.

And ok - shoe thrown.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Coincidence or Timing


I've just finished my new read. And the last few chapters were not quite how I expected them to be.

And while there are possibly many more nights to go in digesting it, one  thing is for sure: God speaks to us in the manner in which he knows us best able to receive.

For the whole year, my reading  list has been as strange as snow in May. But in this A-ha moment it has dawned on me that it has quite possibly been leading up to this book; training my mind to be  receptive to the obvious.

I want to be free.

I want to be free of the feelings of inadequity that I carry around me like an invisible  cloak. I want to be free of the anger rushes that creep up on me at every available opportunity.

I want to be free.

I will be freed.

I am free. Thank God for that.

I.Am.Free.