A Picture of Thousand Ills?

This is a picture of Malaysia's Health Minister Datuk Liow Tiong Lai at the press conference of my country's latest effort to reduce the number of smokers. (Click on pic for article)

I have bought ciggarettes from different countries (thank god for global branding!) and yes, in places like Vietnam, Thailand, Singapore - one has to make do with ghastly looking lungs everytime one reaches for that box of fags.

Fact remains - are these pictures going to deter us smokers from lighting up? It might encourage us once in a while. But *psst* here's a secret: half the time, we're not even looking at the box as muscle memory takes over in the pick-open-pull-stick.fag.in.mouth action.

Now what might really work would be to have a lil imp implanted in the box. An imp trained to quip the words "Are you sure you really smoke that ciggarette?" complete with raised eye-brow and waving small pics of the smokers' loved ones.

Yups - I think that might increase the reduction of smokers a whole lot better than pictures of throat lesions and wrinklly lungs.

Anyone out there with connections to Discworld so we can get our hands on some imps?

F&F - the Uncensored Version

Al’s last piece entitled “Two Clicks” is a very interesting one – one that hits home on more than one base. It in he says:

“Never mind I may never do anything other than glance over your photo or one-liners. Never mind I'll probably ignore every message, invitation and request you send me and vice-versa. Never mind we may never communicate or do anything resembling what humanity considered a 'relationship' over thousands of years”

I am still trying to decide if the satirical tone this posting of Al’s is meant to say more than it is saying, or is just another musing or observation by Al since his foray into the world of Facebook. I do know that it brought me back to remember my #1 online social community rule – do not add on people you’ve only met once and have 2 lines exchanged. Nor do you add on those you used to know but no longer have any common bonds, except maybe a class photo or two. Those are not friends. They might use to be, but these days - they are just acquaintances.

I’ll admit it here and now that I’m a hard nut to crack on this topic. If you were to ask me to pick twenty people to celebrate an occasion with – I would be very hard-pressed in rustling up them twenty names. For I firmly and strongly believe that I do not need tens and thousands of friends, when a few rare diamonds are enough. And yes, while it is true that diamonds have flaws as well, I believe what we want to look out for are good flaws – flaws that add value to the stone itself.

Lewis B Smedes starts his book ~ Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve with this: If you live long enough, chances are you’ll be hurt by someone you counted on as a friend. And it is a statement that is so true – there’d be times when opinions clash, words are exchanged, feelings hurt. But the words that caught my attention are these: Counted On.

My circle of good friends – Bear, Mandy, Whites, Garlic, Pups – we’ve had our share of “silences” Mandy and I even went for a long period of time of pretending the other was dead cos she told me her opinion of Lydia and Luke’s biological dad and I refused to accept at that time. But over time, I came round to seeing that her intention was good and she came round to seeing that as my friend, she had to be there for the good, the bad and the unmentionable. And years on in - she still is.

Sometimes friends care too much to the point that what you go thru, personally affects them. Pups used to say I drain him each time we speak. I used to wanna poke his eyes out for saying that. But now, I see where he comes from and I’m okay with that. And I know that despite me being draining, if I were to need his help, he's there with Nat in tow!

At the end of the day, people who are genuinely your friends – you know in your heart of hearts, that there was no malice intended. That at the end of the day, it was for the betterment of one or the other, or both. And that if one were to fall, the other would be there to break the fall, no matter what.

And that brings me to something that has been plaguing me. To the point of giving me weird dreams – the sort that leaves you waking up with a bitter aftertaste in the mouth that no amount of mouthwash or toothpaste can take away. And that only happens to me when I try to brush something aside. Dust-bunnies ~ they have their way of getting your attention no matter what.

I really should do the grown-up thing and address the situation in its face but I do not know where to begin cos it is one which makes me feel ugly, hypocritical even. And because of that, it makes me hostile, abrupt and stand-off-ish.

They say, a vase once broken, would never look the same again no matter how well it is put back together. And this is one of those instances. I cannot count on a certain someone, no matter how hard I try and as such, a reclassification is going on in my idealistic mind. And it bothers me, cos I'm just one of those easily bothered persons.

I guess I just wanna stop trying to ‘get back’ to where it was left off and lack the guts to say it out loud.

I guess I do not want to admit that while it is water under the bridge, the corrosion remains.

I guess I do not want to face up to the fact that short of having my head bashed in to the point of being concussed, there is no way in all eternity that I am able to do the latter of “forgive and forget.”

I guess I do not want to reach a point where I have no more benefits to give to doubt, and turn around and spew out the Malay phrase of “ada ular sebalik batu.”

Why am I putting it all down here? Cos I am frankly exhausted of going thru this scenario. It. Is. Draining. And. Exhausting. And I have no more energy left to expand, even though I sit here and twiddle thumbs all day.

Maybe some things were better left as they were. After all, people grow, evolve and change. And over time, one would come to accept it as part and parcel of life. I suppose if I try really hard, I can move from my ideals and accept this as one of those Two Clicks and leave it at that.

I shall think about if I even wanna try to do that. Or just leave it at that as everyone tells me to.

*Sigh* This is just getting way too Jane Austen for my liking!

Chances Are..

Love is passion, obsession,
Someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that,
What are you going to end up with?

A very good friend asked me recently over tea when was the last time I said “I love you” to someone who was 1) not related to me by blood and 2) not part of my circle of good and dear friends. Truth be told, it’s been yorns and this realization part surprises me and part scares the living daylights out of me. Cos this is ME – the Miss-Terms-of-Endearments. How could it be that years have gone by just like that?

Fall head over heels.
I say find someone you can love like crazy and
Who'll love you the same way back.

I often wonder how at times, when my friends tell me how eloquent I am, and how good I am with words, my words can fail me so badly by running away and hiding so well that I become all speechless. Like when someone says to me “Being here makes the hell of the last couple of weeks, all worth it. Being able to be here – gives me something to look forward to.”

And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart.
I'm not hearing any heart.

I have done so many things in the last 8 months that I never thought twice about. Taken so many risks… crossed so many bridges… stared at one full moon too many. Yet, I always come back to this one junction where I stand and watch the traffic goes by, without crossing. One excuse after another.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because, the truth is
There is no sense living your life without this.

I wish I had done the Carpe Diem thing and said outloud what was going thru my head. "Run the risk" cos right now, the risk levels seem so much lower than it was say a quarter back. So why didn't I? Was it cos I couldn't? Or more of I wouldn't?

To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -
Well, you haven't lived a life at all.

I wrote earlier about life and mortality, and how if I were to die today, I cannot say that I do not want for anything. Maybe I should keep that in mind the next time a conversation takes place. Or maybe I should not think at all, and let what comes to mind, come naturally.

One thing's for sure - Life - it does indeed give you more chances than one! What we do with it, it's up to us.

Death and Taxes

mor•tal•i•ty ~ noun

• The state or condition of being subject to death; mortal character, nature, or existence.

A very dear former boss of mine suffered a heart attack last week. I nearly fell off my chair when I heard it. He may be half a century old, but he’s by far, one of the fittest 50-year old dudes whom I know who can run rings around a futsal pitch of 20-somethings.

Fortunately, the damage was repairable. But I will never forget the angst-filled words of his missus: Please remind him that he has 2 boys and a wife who needs him to be around.

I have always thought this boss of mine had it all together. A dream that he has turned into reality, a challenging job, and a nice balance of work-and-home, despite the 14 hour-workdays. He’s one of those parent who takes time off work to come for school functions, cheering his boys on, taking on the teachers in deep debates on quality education, and putting a lot of pride in his home.

Yet, on that fateful Thursday afternoon, he nearly lost it all.

HBO has been showing Meet Joe Black again. It’s a good movie – one of those I could watch once a week and not be bored of. And last night, the following phrase stayed with me:

And I'm going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish:
That you would have a life as lucky as mine,
Where you can wake up one morning and say,
"I don't want anything more."

I have been spending a lot of time, trying to piece together my life the last 5 years (From Fairview to Swiss Concept). The memories are hazy. Some events are etched firmly in my mind, but others escape me completely.

Take for example, my car registration card. I had apparently given it to my mum for safe-keeping last year. Yet, I was so sure I gave it to my brother to return to the leasing company. Or how I used to rush out of the house in such a hurry, I would end up sitting in the 4 feet space between the grill gate and the front door, waiting for my spare keys to arrive from Pups. Though I think the best one of all is that of a cousin of mine who moved to Australia, re-married, had a kid and all that, and I only “found out” about it when I saw them at the last Chinese New Year celebrations.

We often think that we’d have more time to do the things we want to.. later… After we’ve saved that million bucks in the bank… After we’ve snagged that corner office suite with the park-view… After we’ve bought that 8000 sq feet plot of land to build our 5-bedroom bungalow, with a connecting guest-house for the in-laws… After the kids have finished college and embarked on their own rat-race.

But do we ever stop to think of what if “Later” comes before “After”?

If time were to stop for me today – dare I say in all honesty that I don’t want anything more?

I cannot. For I have not had enough hugs, kisses and memory snapshots of my kids and the darnest things that they can say. For I have not had enough laughs and smiles and cheers with my good mates – Bear, Garlic, Mandy. For I have embraced enough opportunities to repay my parents and family for the love and support they have shown me. For I have not said “you’re important and you matter a great deal to me” to the one person I cherish.

At the end of the day, it’s not really about the number of contracts I bring in for neither the company, nor the size of the house that I live in.

It’s about living in the HERE and the NOW.

It’s about making the effort to do something that would bring a smile to someone’s face.

It’s about being extra-ordinary in ways people do not expect you to be.

It’s about putting your head on the pillow and thinking “Today was a GREAT day”

There are 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. 365 days in a year.

That’s a lot of time on our hands. What are you going to do with yours today?

Fur and Ash

How time flies (even when one feels that it is not moving!) for it's already Thursday. And for a week that started out alright, crashed to the ground mid-way, it has gone on an upward swirl as prettily as the twirling ribbons on a rhythmic gymnast.

My brain is not working all that well this morning... my words are once again failing me.. and so I have to resort to borrowing the words of another by the name of Dean Blehert... hopefully you'll recognise the small blessings (follow this link to read full poem) in your life as I have come to see mine.

Blessed are the stones I tread,

for they hold the universe together with their faith in gravity,

while I indulge in levity.

Blessed is the weather,

for it enables polite discourse among strangers—

which can lead anywhere.

Blessed are the falling leaves,

for they steep in the wind and flavor it.

Blessed are the tortured,

who endure much so that

even torturers can be good at something.

Blessed are the walls—

they turn space into places.

Blessed are the windows,

for they allow excess buildup of PLACE

to leak off into space.

Blessed are doors,

where walls can change their minds.

Blessed are ceilings,

for when we lie on our backs with our eyes open,

they become the walls within which

we feel safe enough to dream ourselves anywhere.

Blessed are the children,

for though they are much smaller and frailer than I,

they trust me to roam freely.

Blessed are fathers,

who must love deeply to believe this hocus pocus

about how babies are made.

Blessed are mothers,

for our visits to earth greatly inconvenience them,

yet they greet us with a smile.

Blessed are the signs on the road,

for they tell me that someone knows

I am here.

Blessed are the music makers,

for they create holes in time

to be filled up with the words of poets.

Blessed are the lovers,

for they so thoroughly saturate each other with admiration

that the rest of us are free to look elsewhere.

Blessed are the hands,

for where I am too far away

for the hands that would reach out and touch me,

they touch each other loudly.

Blessed is the beggar,

who wakes us from our unseeing

by giving the street corner a shadowed intricacy

that MUST be looked at or looked away from.

Blessed is the Lord God Almighty,

for we must have been taught to say this for SOME reason.

Blessed is my head,

for when I am inside it my thoughts resonate,

just as do my songs in the shower.

Blessed are the readers,

for they make this voice in my head a voice in many heads,

freeing me to find new voices.

Sometimes we wonder if anyone is listening when we speak. Sometimes we wonder IF there IS anyone at all that we can speak to. But someone has gone out on all limbs to prove to me that not only am I heard, I. Am. Heard.

And so my own lil contribution to the poem above would go something like this:

Blessed are the fuzzy bears,

whose fine fur lands amongst the ciggie ash on my coffee table,

as I pluck at his ear while I let my head wonders.

For even tho he has cotton in his belly

he's made me feel a lil taller, a whole lot better

And definitely very much loved!

You know who you are... and truly - all the languages in the world, would not cover what it is I want to say!

Commit to Memory

There are 4 things I must commit to memory for good. They are:

1. Patience is a virtue. I mismanaged my expectations badly today and that caused me to fall. And no where feels further a drop that when you think you were right at the top. And while it seems like I'm not being heard, I am. Indeed.
2. Trust is the basis of all. I let my trust wonder, forgetting the lil things I've learnt, that what we see on the telly might not necessarily be the bubblies boiling under the surface.
3. Blessings do come in big packages and size 12 shoes. Need I say more?
4. Last but not least, I got thru today and will get thru the month, God willing

Being alive is a miracle in itself. So long as I have tomorrow, I'll be fine.

Phoney Baloney!

For some strange reason, someone, somewhere, thinks I have oodles of moolah sitting under my mattress. Enough for me to rent my own private island!

It's a real laugh considering I am wondering what I would have to do to get a respite from the endless paying of bills and for one (see - I'm not greedy! I'm only asking for ONE) month, I can go without living from-pay-cheque-to-pay-cheque.

The latest spanner in the works of achieving the above would be a backlash from our wonderful government in the form of the fuel rebate. Which to my surprise, was paid out to "me" in September. Lo and behold - I had just renewed my roadtax last week! Now how did that happen, I wonder?!

*Sigh* I guess whoever it is who thinks I have enough to rent my own island, would probably be the same bloke who thinks I can do without the six hundred bucks due to me as my benefit of being a Rakyat.

I think I'm gonna go hide under my cardboard box cut-out of a coconut tree now .. while I live off fresh-air and sunshine, after being scammed by my own government.