Fistful of Glitter

In recent weeks and / or months, all you've been reading about is this dread that I've been carrying around. It has been a rather dark period, as oppose to be being a time of joy, quiet anticipation, much like Christmas. Yet, it felt more like a Good Friday - when you're so entombed with the negative, you cannot see ahead to Easter Sunday morning.

Perhaps, a part of me felt that Murphy's Law will rear its ugly head and someone will pull the rug out from under me. Yet again. It has happened once too many and I do not think I would be able to survive through another bout of the same. The same of doing everything right and playing by the rules, only to be told that I lost in the end.

I'm not very good at games simply because I do not understand the concept of trying, yet still losing in the end. As I told Ben over dinner last night, "If I do not try, I do not run the risk of failing. But the minute I get off the starting block, I reduce that odds to a 50/50 chance." I'm the sort, who would tell you that in not running the risk, you're effectively not losing. 

I am frustratingly, pessimistically stubborn. But you must understand, I just don't want to put my energies into this and not have it work anymore, FOR ME.

Yet, if I don't do this, I would not be doing anything at all FOR ME. I know that for a fact.

Question is - how do I get past my own worse adversary so that I can hold a fistful of glitter in my hand?