Gains

 “Would you still be here, if there wasn’t the business?” the words finally came out of my mouth, after some 3 hours and 2 years of trying to find the correct tone, the correct words, the correct moment.

The skin is the largest organ in the body - it protects us.
Holds us together.
Literally lets us know what we are feeling.
The skin can be soft and vulnerable.
Highly sensitive, easy to break.

One of my saddest memories is that of a woman I’ve only recently seen in person, telling me how I was supposed to be the “winning ticket”, the person of influence who would turn her family life around – bring them out of the rags and back into the riches. It is the saddest because the person who told her that, her husband, was also the man I love.

– verb (used with object) 

• to get something desired, esp. as a result of one's efforts
• to acquire as an increase or addition
• to obtain as a profit
• to win in competition
• to win someone to one's own side or point of view
• to reach, esp. by effort

Amanda told me that one time, how she thought that decision of mine was a big mistake. Perhaps she knew how my mind worked more than I do. Perhaps she just knew me. That I would be standing at this question mark, all my life. Perhaps she even hoped that someday I would have the guts to bring it out to the open, hoping that I would have grown in strength to do such a thing, knowing I never did before.

I’ve fumbled through life enough. Been over-indulgent when I shouldn’t have been. Been over-compensating when there was nothing to make amends for in the first instance. Been collecting dust bunnies when I haven’t an inch of space to spare.

– verb (used without object) 

• to improve; make progress; advance
• to get nearer
• to draw away from or farther ahead of the other contestants

We’ve watched enough movies, read enough books to know that there is a fine line that is drawn between celluloid fantasies and daily realities. We can try as we may to reconcile ourselves with the past, and make peace with the present. But we all know that what is accomplished in months of script writing, years of planning and shooting, and mega-millions of dollars in marketing – does not come to real life even with a thousand positive thoughts and many hours of mental strengthening.

We may think that we’ve made progress – we have seen the pits of hell and licked the devil’s cauldron – everything else is bumps and bruises only. And because we want that peace so badly, we cannot let today be the bad day. We cannot say put off saying ‘tomorrow will be a good day’. And what do we get at the end of that day, if we do that?

– noun 

• profit or advantage.
• an increase or advance.
• gains, profits or winnings.
• acquisition.

“I never thought I’d still be here. And even if there wasn’t the business, or if that one ran its course, I would still be here. Cos each time I see you, there is something to be gained.”

No matter how thick skinned we try to be, there's millions of electrifying nerve endings in there.

What could have been quite possibly the worst answer anyone can give me in that given situation, has in fact, achieved the opposite effect. In another life, it would have possibly driven me to finishing the 3 bottles of whiskey that sits on our lil make-shift bar – though we all know that would have only been the surface of what I can do, and have done.

Open and exposed and feeling way too much.

But it had to be done. And as you exasperatedly declared - it took me so bloody long to come out and ask, because the result could be so otherwise scary. Knowing there is a fifty percent chance that you would prove to be my haunting of my worst nightmare. Knowing that my old adage holds water - if I stay very silent and very still, I can let it pass me by another cycle of the moon.

Try as we might to keep from feeling pain, sometimes it's just unavoidable.

Everybody uses everybody at some point in their life, be it for financial, spiritual or emotional gains. Some do it intentionally, some do it without knowing. Yet, all achieve the same result – gaining.

The most important thing that I have gained from this insane yet stable adventure is not the mental and emotional growth. It is not reaching a paradigm shift.

I’ve gained back trust in my life. Trust in myself, and trust in someone else.

Sometimes that's the only thing left - just feeling.