My best buddy has been away for most of the week. But even before he left, I stayed away from him, making excuses for him ~ that he’s at the height of romance and would not want to be disturbed. And in the midst of all that’s been going on in my head, in my life, at work, I kept my Person at bay.
Tonight, we all caught up for dinner – him, the kids, his girlfriend and me. Even at the last moment, I wanted to back out, thinking that it would be better for the kids to dine with just the two of them, that he would want the time to catch up with Nat and didn’t need me around to spoil that. Him, being him, pressed on and so dinner happened.
Afterwards, as with all the other times, I went to his place and sat out at the back, chain smoking and watching the traffic. And slowly but surely, everything that has been bottled up over the last few weeks, came spilling out to my Person.
Take your head around the world
See what you get from your mind
Write your soul down word for word
See who's your friend who is kind
It's almost like a disease
I have been progressively becoming unraveled cos my two sounding boards have been missing when all hell broke lose. And being the stubborn mule that I am, I refused to back down and restore the balance when I needed to cos I thought ~ if they wanted to hear from me, they would have called. If they wanted to see me, they would have come round. If they really care, they would have asked.
And in the whole scheme of things, I overlooked the fact that I was indeed asked but turned everyone away by saying “I’m alright” when every single cell in me was crying out the contrary.
Try as I may to deny that I am not dependent on any one person for anything, it is as it is – a damn wide river that floods over, bursting its banks in the process – the damn river called The Nile.
I don’t think I have felt such release like I do tonight. And it is in part the result of 3 things:
My Mandy from across the sea, telling me that it’s alright to feel this way and that I will eventually come out of it, but that it’s alright for now to be this way,
My best buddy telling me again things that I have forgotten, putting things in perspective, and
An email sent earlier this afternoon in apology and in utter honesty about everything else under this lil rock that I’ve chosen to hide under.
Take your straight line for a curve
Make it stretch, the same old line
Try to find if it was worth what you spent
Why you're guilty
For the way you're feeling now
It's almost like being free
People need people, and I am no exception. Why I hide behind this facade of false niceties or of being bright and cheery, escapes my mind tonight. I have gone on and let everyone think that I do not have the time of day for them, when all I have is time on my side. And even when I don’t – I can still make the time.
I have been putting my thoughts down here on my blog, thinking that someone is gonna pick up on it. But 2 persons whose opinions matters the most, have stopped reading it cos they know this is not how real friendship works. You do not have to read about something afterwards, and I should not have to go on this round-about way when all I needed to do was to say, “I’m drowing. Help.”
Take yourself out to the curb
Sit and wait
A fool for life
Oh what a fool I have been. And it’s the first step for me. To say and see for real that I have been only a fool to think that people do the things they do for me cos they are obliged to. In retrospect, I am a wee small person of little faith. Cos I have been told often enough that the nice things done for me, is out of a genuine want of doing. But I never believed.
Mandy was right and I see her point now ~ I must realize my own worth before other people can begin to do the same towards me. I may be smart and intelligent but when it comes to being a person, a human being, I fail so badly at it. Right up till just now, I struggled with doing what she was asking me to and not making any headway.
But the essence of it is that if I do not appreciate myself, I will never be satisfied with the level of kindness and care shown towards me.
I will never feel that I am worth the time of day for her to call and text me, telling me to put my phone off and go to sleep.
I will never feel that Sen was sitting out with me cos he felt he had to, and not cos he was really concerned that something was not right and that if he was patient enough, I would come round to talking.
I will never believe that every piece of advice given to me by the 3rd person is cos he doesn’t want to see me being stepped over like a beaten rug and not get anything in return, when it is my right to.
I know soon you will be
Over the lies, you'll be strong
You'll be rich in love
And you will carry on
I have left a trail of mess and hurt in the run up of bringing myself to this point. I have said things that should not have been said, forgetting that not everyone is the same, and as such, do not know me on the same degrees.
It’s gonna take a hell lot of effort to clean up the mess. And another first baby step when if the moment ever arises, would be to not sweep it under the carpet as Sen says I am most famous for doing. For the written word cannot stand up to the measure of the spoken word.
I have hidden behind the line ~ “everyone is gonna leave me in the end, why shouldn’t I be the one to take the first step” so often that I had forgotten that I would be the one letting them down time and again instead.
All I’ve gotta do is come round to the fact that I am ME and that this ME does indeed have some qualities that are worth having around to other people. And that I cannot be everything to everyone. But to be something to some people, that says a lot… especially if they are all still around when I was down. I've just gotta remember that the next time I go off-balanced.
My spirit may be broken, totally and utterly right now and all the fight may have gone out of me. But with my People around me, and being there - I'm pretty sure I'll find it again. And someday soon, maybe you'll read about how I am finding my voice once again.
