Boys Like Girls

I have a song in head. Those who know me would know what I mean. Oh the agony!!!

Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway

I don't know why the urge to break free and breakout is reigning so strong that this song is in me head 24 hours a day. I even hum it to sleep!

All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answer that we'll never find
Don't mean a thing tonight

Maybe I should try blasting it out loud on my player and dance like a mad woman to it. That might work it out of my system *grin*

Spare Me

Ah.. There’s something about catastrophe that makes one more conscious of how much difference a second, a minute and an hour makes. How at the break of dawn, the world is bright and shiny.. and at the end of the same day, it's gone all dark and twisted.

Okay, so fine – maybe I’m being all melodramatic and red-hat about the current state of affairs. So maybe I am tossing my green, yellow and blue hats out the window. And I am surely ignoring the fact that there is a white hat lying somewhere around.

As I sit here, in a corner of my restaurant (well, not exactly mine, but who cares?!) this is me saying, I’m done fighting battles I cannot, nor want to, win.

It is sad though, that things have come to such a turn. When I give in and give up the fight, contrary to what everyone else thinks I should do. The song from Depeche Mode comes to mind – Try walking in my shoes ~ I bet you’ll stumble and you’ll fall.

A few nights ago, I wrote that my staff at work was one of the 3 reasons I had to smile. On this sunny but bleak day, some of them still are. And while it may be a handful only, it justified my thought last night that everyone deserves the benefit of doubt.

I have always said – I love my job. I love what I do here. And so it is with much sadness that I’m moving away from it. But I have to. I should. Before it consumes me like a love-hate affair and eats into my soul. And by George, the money's not good enough for me to sell my soul to the Devil.

Without passion, loyalty and commitment, it really pointless to carry things on in a manner that makes everyone in the room look like the utter fool. How would I know that I’m there? Simple – if I could hang up my phone when my Italian boss is talking to me – Lecturing in fact! – The relationship has definitely strained beyond the point of redemption.

As I look around me, I have very little to ask except this: I’ve already given up the game.

So please ~ Spare me all your drama and let me live out these days, creating nothing but good memories. Maybe that way, I can learn to forgive myself for my abilities that form my pride and joy, but which you have turned and used against me.

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it.
Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you.

I will rise above this. One.Fine.Day. By myself, without the help of anyone else. Cos even on that note, I'd say - Spare me. I've taken enough crap to know that there is no such thing as Be there for the Good, be there for the Bad.

There's only be there WHEN it suits you.

And it all fell apart

It's been a rocky week so far. And being a person who have so few friends, I have been kept bouyant by my Bear. But today, the sky fell down hard on me, in a manner so unexpected.

My heart is broken. My spirit snapped in two. Everyone says not to take it personally. But it only goes to show they who said it, do not know me. For what I am, and the work I do, if it is not my personal touch.

I wish I could say I am done crying, but I am not. It doesn't seem real until it is said out-loud to my sounding board. But he's not here and I'm banging my head against the wall over and over again.

If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me to
Before you went away,
if only for a day.
If things get real for me down here,
Promise to take me back to
The tune we played
before you went away.

Goes to show... at the end of the day, there's no one you should depend on except for yourself.

Yawns

Sleep was created for a reason. So that we do not sit at McDonalds and have breakfast at 5.30 am, and then crawl to work at 6.30 am only to be locked out of your own office. This is so not good.

Not.Good.At.All!

Oh well. I'll just blame it on footy.

It's ONLY Tuesday!

In the words of Bart Simpson - I didn't do it nobody saw me do it you can't prove anything.

Seriously now - if it was the Boss-man, I'd be singing a totally different tune!

3 Reasons

Okay.. maybe it's because it's the end of another marathon day, with some sprinting in-between but I find this terribly freaky. Here's the extract of my tarot reading on Facebook today:

Queen of Wands
The Queen of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in liberation. I radiate or communicate personal power, passion, and allure and am not dragged down by trends. I have a bold magical flair and a spirit of innovation and pride. I am secure in my identity or performance and thrive on creating, designing or fostering new or equal opportunities for aesthetic or personal growth, expression or awareness. I am empowered with gratitude, attention and reputation to go beyond the call and I transform through exploring or initiating change.

I am reading this just at the end of the workday, yet all of the above seemed to rang true.

The Bear told me to go home and sleep - that I looked dead, in a good way (???). But before I do, here are 3 reasons that I am able to go to sleep tonight with a smile, despite today being a terrible bad day of fire-fighting:

1) At a function held this evening in celebration of the CEO's birthday, the Chief Medical Officer (who has a reputation for being snobby) and his wife flagged me over towards the end, as I was clearing up after the guests. And they told me this - that if I didn't work at the hospital, they would both give me a hug for I'm one of the sweetest, most genuine person they have met. In that moment, I knew I was truly living the values that my boss wants the company to symbolise.

2) My staff from another outlet came running up at the very end and insisted on helping me clear up. He came up cos he heard that I was running the service of the function by myself after a long full workday, and so he came to help. In that moment, I knew for sure that I have definitely earned the respect of my staff by leaps and bounds. I will always be remembered by them as the Boss who was not afraid to roll up her sleeves and get her hands dirty.

3) I got a text message on my way enroute from Bear's house telling me that the burger from my restaurant is Amazing, Really Good and Way Better than his own. Now, this burger has been subjected to a number of occassional disputes between Bear and me, him being a pseudo chef. To win such accolade for the food that I am ultimately responsible for (without sticking my hand in the making of it), is definitely something to shout about.

I've always said I'm a simple girl, with simple dreams. I live not for myself but for others. I believe that respect has to be earned and earned it I did. I may not have very much to show for the efforts that I put in. But at least tonight, as I shower up and turn in, I know that my personal capital of goodwill is riding right up there, and that is good enough for me.

Oh. And by the by - aren't we all thankful that I am not into politics?! *grin*

Conversations with Myself

I wrote a whole lot over the weekend but I have gone and deleted them all. It was nothing but rants, so WTF should it be doing here?!

It’s been raining. Heavy, big droplets that go splat instead of splash. It’s a nice sound to wake up to, provided one does not need to go to work. Yeah – considering I didn’t have to go to work on Saturday, IT WAS NICE!

It’s been a strange and partly surreal weekend and I am resisting the urge to go sit on my balcony and think about it. Yes – I have found the “pause” button on my brain and it’s helping. But nonetheless, the wonderment beckons. Maybe I should blog it out, just so it gets out of this wee head that’s already jammed packed.

Crazy, now what'cha doing?
Just the same, well I think I'm right
Crazy how fast you're moving
As our friendship pays for your lonely night

One of my wonderments revolves around a tale of 31s. Yes – a tale of 31s ~ the number being an age and the ‘s’ signifying more than 1 person of that age. And my thought goes like this – how could two people, who are quite alike in some ways, be so different in others?! Honestly, if they were both rolled into one, I would be one happy girl this week, month, year – whatever. But they are not and I am caught in the middle.

Loverboy, lovergirl,
You need a song to sleep to and morning to sleep thru
And have it your way.

One has no right to neither stay nor play, yet so desperately wants to. The other, has all the freedom and opportunity to, yet chooses to pick and bid his time. One I would run the opposite direction from, and the other – I would give up my sleep to drive and have breakfast with on my day off.

For a brief spell in the last two days, I have been wondering how did I land here?! *Hmmm* maybe there is some truth in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book when it was said that once the barrier has been lifted, the world would rush in to fill the vacuum. For I have known one for coming to a year now (Wowzers – has it been that long?!) and it is only now that we’re actually getting to know each other.

So.Not.Good.

It's okay to dance around it and have it your way
Laugh about it, oh for goodness sake
Don't believe in anything that's keeping you awake

I really should not think about this. Life has been without drama and it has been good. My stride has been lighter and my head less messed up. My smile has also been wider and well, my words less sharp.

But nonetheless, despite all that good, healthy things listed above – I am still cold. Oh yeah. It is a fact when I can so non-chalantly state that I am cruel and cold, but hey – don’t take it personally.

I'm feeling all sentimental and feeling all thru my head
I'm feeling all very sexual but feeling all by myself instead

*Sigh* I hate to say it. But I am a little intrigued as to how this lil game is gonna play itself out. Maybe it’s the psycho in me. Maybe it’s some unfulfilled dark wish to vent and exact pain. Maybe it’s me becoming unraveled a lil late in the day.

You better have it your way anytime.
You better have it you way with yourself and only yourself
You better have it yours and baby you know that I'll have mine.

Oh well… Like I said – really shouldn’t think about this. Should just shut off the phone and go underground and let all this be just as it is ~

This is a conscious conversation with myself