For the bear

And this says it all... just remember - when all else fails, breathe in and breathe out.. I too shall pass.

A Thousand Reasons

I won’t believe you
With what you have to give
I’m just lying here..
In a corner, waiting for death

I had thought that if I sat still long enough, and let my thoughts argue themselves out, I’ll be able to see things clearly and what I must do to survive today. 7 hours later, I am still no where near the end and the sun has already come up.

I won’t believe again
With the rising of the sun
Who can lighten every corner
Of this dark and twisted heart

I can think of a thousand reasons why I must make it through today. And not just make it through, but to make a great day out of it. It is after all the weekend and I’ll have 24 hours to spend with Lydia and Luke. It is after all the weekend and I am not obligated to step into a cold concrete building and put on a happy face cos I’m paid to. It is after all the weekend and the world has not stopped turning for everyone else. Just me.

I’ll stop hoping and pining
And just wait for the dark to come
Until the moment
When I can no longer feel anything

I can think of a thousand reasons why I must be angry. To carry my non-plus face and snap at everyone who crosses my path today. To lash out all the pain into the emotion call anger and just let it rip, without a second thought to how it would ruin another person’s day. After all, I am damage and everything and everyone who comes near me ends up getting damaged as well.

Why must there be hurt and pain
When happiness is achieved?
Why must the darkness always follow
The calming white light that shines thru?

I can think of a thousand reasons why I should apologise and take back what I said. The rawness of the voice would provide all the explanations needed. I can also think of a thousand reasons why I should not take back what I said. Cos until I stop creating damage to me, only then can I be worth calling someone you know.

You taught me what joy was

You reminded me what pain was as well

I cannot for the life of me think of a thousand things that I taught you or reminded you of. But I cannot look back with regret. For if I do, it would be my un-doing. I cannot be around shiny, happy people cos my darkness would only encroach into their space and they too would turn their back on me.

I’ll be back someday

Without vindication

I’ll accept someday

My loss, my pain

If I focused hard enough, I’d like to believe that I can fast forward to 1 month, 2 months, 6 months from now and go “Oh that lil thingy”… but for now I can’t. And so I will just live in solitude.

Solitude, come and envelope me like a warm blanket. For until I learn to be in my own skin, and live, play with my own shadow, only then can I learn how to play with others.

Solitude, come and encase me in your sweet sorrow. For until I learn to deal with pain without alcohol, without cigarettes, without pacing the hall, without running away, I’ll never be able to close my eyes again.

Solitude… where are you when I need you to fill this space that I have just cleaned out? Where are you when I need you to call company?

Solitude where are you when I need to believe in all that I once believed in? Where are you to help me see that there is a rightness to all this pain... that it is correct to believe that if everyone would leave me at the end of the day, why I am then not wrong in taking the first step away.

Solitude.. I need you.. so that I can believe in my thousand reasons.

Untitled at 4

I wrote a lot of things tonight. And I've gone and erased them all because at the end of a day, like today, they are nothing but words without any real meaning.

So this is was they mean when they say that you're "spent". In all my life, in the faces of all the adversities, I have never had this sense of being in a space where there is a keen sense of empty, all turned out.

A friend of mine once commented to me, that he's never known anyone whom he's liked so much that he couldn't bear to have even just a little of that person over nothing at all. Well Danny-boy.. you're one of the lucky ones then, I guess. To never know what that feels like.

Cos right here... right now... it feels like hell. And I don't know which is worse. To live my life as lucky as Danny-boy, or the way it is now.

I've drunk way too much. I've smoked way too much. And yet, I cannot conjure up any form of emotions at all. And now was I sit here, as I have been since I got home at midnight from a drive to no where, there's nothing worthy that's left to say.

For once, I am in real possession of emptiness. And I cannot find any meaning to it. Any real meaning to it.

They say... you can't really miss something until it's gone from you. How did I get here...?

Tears from onion peeling...

Now I see the time we had before
Is just a passing moment

That we can't share anymore.

I am one of those people, who, while on one hand is able to mix well with people – be the ultimate PR officer, is on the other hand, a complete recluse when it comes to what’s going on in my head.

And I've learned that

Written words are not the same

As when you take the time to say it

And let the clouds release the rain.

It takes hell of a lot for me to come out right and speak my mind on matters concerning me. I realize that now, and I also realize that when I do, it is usually when I am at my lowest. When nothing can hurt me any further, than I am already hurting.

And I say one thing each day

Before I lay me down

I thank god for your sweet smile

Although you're not around

I am also one of those people, not built to be alone. Some people can heck it, find things to occupy their time with. I am unfortunately, not one of such souls. Try as I may to isolate myself in a vacuum of work, I am slowly collapsing underneath the weigh of this self-imposed exile.

And I can't overcome
Your memory in my mind
It's a bridge I'll never cross
Until the end of time

And it is for this reason that I have been silent for the last 48 hours or so. And it is for this reason that I went and sat by myself for a good hour or so in the basement of my work building, where the I cannot be reached and cried over this barrier that I have built about myself.

As I sit here now, tired as hell from a day of grocery shopping, peeling onions and cooking up a storm yet again, I think I have to sit for a long while tonight and ponder what is it that I want for myself.

And I wish my dreams alone

Would bring back my old friends

Yesterday's just something

I can't mend

For I cannot keep going back and forth in this manner. One fine day soon, if I completely lose it, I’m gonna have no qualms at all about leaving here and never coming back. And that’s gonna hurt so many people who do not deserve to be hurt, least of all by me.

I told my mum last night as I had a slice of pizza for dinner at her insistence.. that I was so very tired. That life was not fair. That why was it some people didn’t have to strive very hard and got everything that they wanted. Yet, no matter how hard I try, I never seem to get what I want.

It was not fair of me to unload it all on my mum. And as she blinked back tears of sadness for me, she said brokenly that she knew how I was struggling with life but that I should hold on cos God will smile on me one day soon.

'Cause I've broke down for my lost father

And I've cried for sister, too

I wish I could tell mum everything. But even skimming the surface already brought on so much hurt for her.

I guess I’ll just have to keep it all in then. Cos if Momma can’t handle the pain of me, no one else would.

Now my tears fall down for you

For you

Missing...

I wish I...

*sigh*

What's the point of wishing...

Barbs the Builder

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts that had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things I wish I could do all all over again

It’s yet another long day start to the new week. I was very apprehensive as the day started and I drove into work. Apart from today being the true test of my newest retail baby, it was also the start of a new week. And I wondered if it would be like the last. Weary, dreary and everything else in that vicinity.

But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

In the past week, I have thought much in whatever time I had that didn’t involve work the question of “What if?” So much so, sometime towards the end of last week, my colleague who rides with me, looked me in the eye as we stopped at a light and asked, “What’s on your mind? Something’s bugging you.” I can’t really say. I wish I could. But I can’t. Cos saying things out loud is not allowed. Not anymore.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds that I wish
I could have one more chance to mend

People who know me for the first time are often surprised by all that I have accomplished in the span of the last 6 years. How I lived thru the challenges that God somehow seemed fit to put my way. That I didn’t crumble to the floor and is still standing. And making something of myself.

But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

It’s called learning your lessons and making sure you never repeat them again. And this was something I forgot. My own survival skill. The one thing that has kept me going in the face of whatever personal adversity I have gone thru.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all lessons learned.

I have not been as unbalanced as I have been the last couple of months. No matter how rough things got, I have at least, been always able to fall asleep and stay asleep. And the thing about not sleeping is this – it allows you to sit and stare at the open skies and think things clearly. In the way that it should be thought of. And to see things as they truly are, and not falsely brightened by the mid-day sun.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart

I had always liked to believe that coming thru life, I have never lost bits of my soul. But this is not true. I have been clutching at pieces that no longer exist. Whatever traces of it that remains, it really shouldn’t. Cos I am not made for a world like the world today, with the fair-weathered people that resides in it.

I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

But they say it’s better late than never. And I've been here often enough to know that it's as easy as getting back on the bike and just start peddling again.

And so now, I have remembered the lessons that I have learnt ~ That it is far better to keep what’s beneath the warm exterior hidden from any living and breathing soul. That it’s okay to be superficial and really not care very much about anything and anyone. That it’s okay to live life in a fleeting manner.

I have nothing but time on my side. And it is long over-due that this facet of me surfaces again. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise how easily I am able to detach myself and be non-chalant about everything that should be important. One just have to see how far down the last mile I would go once I am committed to something, to see that I could also turn this on a roundabout.

I’ll get there eventually.. soonish.. brick by brick, I’ll piece the wall back together again. Cos living is way too over-rated in this girl's books. And breathing - let's not even go there. As for praying - well, there are prayers and then THERE ARE PRAYERS. You've just gotta learn to pick the right ones to say. And this girl's just remembered which are the right ones and which are the wrong ones. And she's definitely gone and said the wrong one. So very wrong one.

It used to be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very broken interior. It can now be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very cold interior. And I think that should suit me just fine.

Barbs Defined

I was reading Sen's blog, which he wrote on my notebook this morning. And tonight, instead of writing what's really in my head (cos I am trying to keep that thought at bay!!!), I shall follow his suit and define ME, instead. For like Sen, I am a Leo / Virgo Cusp - born in between moons and thus exhibiting traits of both. Have a read... I'm sure it'll make ME easier to understand.. and in eventualiaty, accept *grin*

The Leo/Virgo cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Exposure. Here, there is an interesting blend of the introvert and the extrovert ~ a mix of the practical and earthy qualities afforded by Virgo coupled with the more intuitive and fiery traits of Leo. The end result is often a quietly inspired individual who keeps his or her light within.

Some of these cuspians emit a muted or even nondescript first impression which often conceals a far more flamboyant tendency. Others come across as exhibitionists, but are really sensitive and private individuals. There is a tendency here to hide certain personal qualities or facts, possibly for years.

Many Leo/Virgo natives eventually come to realize that self-concealment is futile since the more they attempt to hide, the more those around them appear to be taking notice of what they are (or are not) doing. By aiming to be more transparent and allowing others to see what they truly are instead of going into hiding, these cuspians may well be able to even out their swings between introverted and extroverted behavior.

Leo/Virgo natives born into unremarkable surroundings or at the bottom of the social ladder. Even when such ascension is initiated, it is only through tremendous tenacity and willpower that they can maintain momentum. Indeed, it is not unusual for these cuspians to succumb to their worst fear - a life of boredom and mediocrity.

The belief of Leo/Virgo subjects in themselves is frequently inversely proportionate to the belief of the world in general regarding these individuals. In short, as soon as they begin to gain self-confidence, it seems as though others begin to take less notice of them and while applause is not crucial to these cuspians, they do possess a burning sense of their own worth no matter how quiet or self-contained they may be.

Thus, they are often outstanding observers and judges of character. They know how to watch in silence without drawing attention to themselves. In addition, they frequently excel at recording their impressions in thought or word and then expressing them at a later date after long periods of rethinking.

Subjects of this cusp combination are never altogether happy or content with less than the very best.

The natural leadership found in many of these subjects, coupled with their administrative prowess, helps to ensure that any project undertaken will be successful. These are people who are very good at understanding the deeper meaning of what others say. They rely on logic rather than emotion in making decisions and are reliable and diligent individuals. However, they can sometimes appear "picky" or overly critical toward those who are not as discriminating. Being decisive and direct, the Leo/Virgo cuspian is optimistic regarding personal successes.

They do have a tendency to exaggerate problems and overreact to stumbling blocks, but are generally positive people with an inherent pride and streak of stubbornness which keeps them from giving up. These individuals have the ability to analyze and then take appropriate action. They are selective and discriminating, but are constantly and quickly moving.

The personality of these cuspians is warm-hearted and outgoing. They are cheerful, self-assured, studious and sensible in business dealings. It should also be noted that the female Leo/Virgo native in particular is likely to be easily convinced by arguments set forth in a plausible and persuasive manner.

These individuals will meet with success in the business world and possess great executive prospects since they are sufficiently forceful to command interest and respect. In short, they apply a methodical attention to detail and adhere to a practical and well-organized routine. Leo/Virgo cuspians are good organizers and tend to be quite popular people who are even inspiring at times.

With regard to relationships, Leo/Virgo cuspians are devoted but can, on occasion, be rather jealous souls. However, they are not particularly flirtatious.

The greatest strength of Leo/Virgo cuspians is probably to be found in their creativity, attention to detail and inherent desire to be of service. They will pick up on the "little things" that others most likely miss, and thoughtful gifts or unique solutions to problems are second nature to those who fall under the influence of this cusp combination. In addition, the committment of these natives to help others makes them one of the most giving characters to be found in the Zodiac.

Though I have never been one to believe in how the stars affect our personalities and such. But in reading thru the above, and bolding what I think is me, I must say - this has been quite spot on, don't you think?