Barbs the Builder

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts that had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things I wish I could do all all over again

It’s yet another long day start to the new week. I was very apprehensive as the day started and I drove into work. Apart from today being the true test of my newest retail baby, it was also the start of a new week. And I wondered if it would be like the last. Weary, dreary and everything else in that vicinity.

But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

In the past week, I have thought much in whatever time I had that didn’t involve work the question of “What if?” So much so, sometime towards the end of last week, my colleague who rides with me, looked me in the eye as we stopped at a light and asked, “What’s on your mind? Something’s bugging you.” I can’t really say. I wish I could. But I can’t. Cos saying things out loud is not allowed. Not anymore.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds that I wish
I could have one more chance to mend

People who know me for the first time are often surprised by all that I have accomplished in the span of the last 6 years. How I lived thru the challenges that God somehow seemed fit to put my way. That I didn’t crumble to the floor and is still standing. And making something of myself.

But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

It’s called learning your lessons and making sure you never repeat them again. And this was something I forgot. My own survival skill. The one thing that has kept me going in the face of whatever personal adversity I have gone thru.

And all the things that break you,
Are all the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all lessons learned.

I have not been as unbalanced as I have been the last couple of months. No matter how rough things got, I have at least, been always able to fall asleep and stay asleep. And the thing about not sleeping is this – it allows you to sit and stare at the open skies and think things clearly. In the way that it should be thought of. And to see things as they truly are, and not falsely brightened by the mid-day sun.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart

I had always liked to believe that coming thru life, I have never lost bits of my soul. But this is not true. I have been clutching at pieces that no longer exist. Whatever traces of it that remains, it really shouldn’t. Cos I am not made for a world like the world today, with the fair-weathered people that resides in it.

I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned

But they say it’s better late than never. And I've been here often enough to know that it's as easy as getting back on the bike and just start peddling again.

And so now, I have remembered the lessons that I have learnt ~ That it is far better to keep what’s beneath the warm exterior hidden from any living and breathing soul. That it’s okay to be superficial and really not care very much about anything and anyone. That it’s okay to live life in a fleeting manner.

I have nothing but time on my side. And it is long over-due that this facet of me surfaces again. It really shouldn’t come as a surprise how easily I am able to detach myself and be non-chalant about everything that should be important. One just have to see how far down the last mile I would go once I am committed to something, to see that I could also turn this on a roundabout.

I’ll get there eventually.. soonish.. brick by brick, I’ll piece the wall back together again. Cos living is way too over-rated in this girl's books. And breathing - let's not even go there. As for praying - well, there are prayers and then THERE ARE PRAYERS. You've just gotta learn to pick the right ones to say. And this girl's just remembered which are the right ones and which are the wrong ones. And she's definitely gone and said the wrong one. So very wrong one.

It used to be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very broken interior. It can now be said that underneath this warm exterior is a very cold interior. And I think that should suit me just fine.