A Thousand Reasons

I won’t believe you
With what you have to give
I’m just lying here..
In a corner, waiting for death

I had thought that if I sat still long enough, and let my thoughts argue themselves out, I’ll be able to see things clearly and what I must do to survive today. 7 hours later, I am still no where near the end and the sun has already come up.

I won’t believe again
With the rising of the sun
Who can lighten every corner
Of this dark and twisted heart

I can think of a thousand reasons why I must make it through today. And not just make it through, but to make a great day out of it. It is after all the weekend and I’ll have 24 hours to spend with Lydia and Luke. It is after all the weekend and I am not obligated to step into a cold concrete building and put on a happy face cos I’m paid to. It is after all the weekend and the world has not stopped turning for everyone else. Just me.

I’ll stop hoping and pining
And just wait for the dark to come
Until the moment
When I can no longer feel anything

I can think of a thousand reasons why I must be angry. To carry my non-plus face and snap at everyone who crosses my path today. To lash out all the pain into the emotion call anger and just let it rip, without a second thought to how it would ruin another person’s day. After all, I am damage and everything and everyone who comes near me ends up getting damaged as well.

Why must there be hurt and pain
When happiness is achieved?
Why must the darkness always follow
The calming white light that shines thru?

I can think of a thousand reasons why I should apologise and take back what I said. The rawness of the voice would provide all the explanations needed. I can also think of a thousand reasons why I should not take back what I said. Cos until I stop creating damage to me, only then can I be worth calling someone you know.

You taught me what joy was

You reminded me what pain was as well

I cannot for the life of me think of a thousand things that I taught you or reminded you of. But I cannot look back with regret. For if I do, it would be my un-doing. I cannot be around shiny, happy people cos my darkness would only encroach into their space and they too would turn their back on me.

I’ll be back someday

Without vindication

I’ll accept someday

My loss, my pain

If I focused hard enough, I’d like to believe that I can fast forward to 1 month, 2 months, 6 months from now and go “Oh that lil thingy”… but for now I can’t. And so I will just live in solitude.

Solitude, come and envelope me like a warm blanket. For until I learn to be in my own skin, and live, play with my own shadow, only then can I learn how to play with others.

Solitude, come and encase me in your sweet sorrow. For until I learn to deal with pain without alcohol, without cigarettes, without pacing the hall, without running away, I’ll never be able to close my eyes again.

Solitude… where are you when I need you to fill this space that I have just cleaned out? Where are you when I need you to call company?

Solitude where are you when I need to believe in all that I once believed in? Where are you to help me see that there is a rightness to all this pain... that it is correct to believe that if everyone would leave me at the end of the day, why I am then not wrong in taking the first step away.

Solitude.. I need you.. so that I can believe in my thousand reasons.