sor·ry

~ adjective ~ Feeling regret, compunction, sympathy, pity, etc

I was commenting.. or lamenting this evening, how one of my closest friend and I can walk right smack into an argument, even when we see it coming. We’ll each know and actually state it out loud that the line of conversation should switch before we end up arguing. Yet it still happens.

And the increasing frequency of it scares the living daylights out of me.

Much can be placed down to me being fast-finger-Freddy, but then again we have never really been able to determine the definition and expectations of this friendship. And more often than naught, that becomes a pain in the arse.

It hurts each time we have a fight. And being the darling that he is, he often backs down and apologises.

And tonight, I ponder… how many more ‘sorry’s is he gonna say before it becomes just another word in the day-to-day conversational vocab with me?

I'm sorry.
Why should I say I'm sorry?
If I hurt you,
You know you've hurt me too.

Sometimes I do wish I knew more of him. Just so.

vin·di·cate

This post was actually written on Friday night and published. But after sleeping on it overnight, I decided to take it off. Anyways, words that have been expunged, should remain expunged. And so, it makes its appearance once again. Somethings and some thoughts just doesn't change, no matter how many nights it's slept upon.

~ ** ~

One has to be warned at this point that this is a rant, an unleashing of anger so deep, dark and twisted, words are going to be spat out like a machine-gun. And with bullets, it is going to tear apart and draw blood, at the guilty and the innocent.

Hope
dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so
mesmerizing, so
hypnotizing, I am
captivated, I am

For anger, like hope, is a very captivating and mesmerizing emotion and it feeds on itself like oxygen to fire. No amount of fast driving the lil Wink mobile thru Jalan Damansara at 140 kmph has driven it out of me. It has only added to it.

To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof

I wrote earlier “Oh the fool who thinks that Barbara Er Guek Meng does not possess any intellect or common sense.” Apparently a number of people seem to think that of me, I have come to realize. Correction – I have realized it all this while but have been fooling myself into thinking that I am not being fair, just and objective.

So clear
like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
isolated, so
motivated,
I am certain now that I am

To provide justification or support for

And since we’re on the path of being honest and confessions and what have you not, let’s just throw in the 2 things I hate most in life – 1) Being pushed into corners (as was apparent in last post) and 2) being made to feel as though I am an obligation. Call me Miss Hyper-sensitive. I don’t really give a donkey’s arse for the last time.

And I have just been made to feel that. AND I am sick of it – sick, Sick, SICK! Let me illustrate – ask me why I don’t see my former best buddy anymore. It’s because 1) he only has time for me when his girlfriend is not around, and 2) when that happens, I have a lil cow-like timer ticking away until the buzzer goes for time when she finishes work or come home.

To justify or prove the worth of, especially in light of later developments.

And so, for fuck’s sake – don’t freaking spend time with me if my company is only worth 60 minutes or 90 minutes of your fucking time. Please – if it is only worth that much, just go sod off cos there’s a long line of people who place no time limits on my company.

So tie up
the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment fall forever
Defense is paper-thin,
just one touch and I'll be in too
Deep now to ever swim
against the current
So let me slip away

To defend, maintain, or insist on the recognition of

Like I said earlier – I’m just sick of the way things are right now. And yes – Mandy – you told me so. And yes, for once I am agreeing with you whole-heartedly.

And it doesn’t really matter right now that it’s probably me against the rest of the world. So what if I danced to my own tune, or live by my own set of definitions and rules? Which by the by would include the definition of important. Cos Important doesn’t mean giving me your time of day when you have nothing else better to do, or when the girl you like leaves you heaving on the bathroom floor.

Important is freaking trekking thru 4 fucking crowded shopping malls to find the right gift. Important is fucking stopping at 2 pharmacies and then driving the same distance to the office and back just so you fucking have your medication and get better soon (which is by the way the infamous FIB of not being where I was suppose to be.) Important is feeling pain when you feel pain.

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right - I swear I'm right
swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself

To exact revenge for; avenge

Like I said before – this posting is going to draw blood. For I am done bleeding by myself – done, Done, DONE.

No one – NO ONE should have the power to bring me to my knees in anger or in anguish. NO ONE should have the power to twist my arm and make me sit by the curb, pondering over my future. NO ONE should have the power to make me feel inadequate and flawed.

Not the Madam. Not the Italian Dude. Not the boy I would go to the ends of the earth for.

I’m vindicating myself. I’m laying the blame on someone else’s door, FOR ONCE. Like it was said before - Ain't gonna let what happened before, happen again. No way.

And with that, I am spent. I am emptied and I am tired. And I have cut the string and flying loose. I am sad but I will FOR ONCE not let that sadness overcome me.

I feel and see MY OWN worth now. Tis a pity the rest of the world never did before I had to pull the trigger.

Goodnight world. I hope you feel as liberated as I do...

Like Hope
dangles on a string
a slow-spinning redemption

My Rock

As the deer pants for streams of water,

so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When can I go and meet with God?

I’m not really what one would call religious. In fact, about a year ago, when my dad first published his book on his Faith Journey, a colleague had asked me – how did such religious parents have a child such as me.

My tears have been my food day and night,

while men say to me all day long,

"Where is your God?"

I may not lead the life of a saint, nor abide words inscribe in the Bible as the Ten Commandments. But I have always stressed that I do know who my Anchor is and where my Rock lies.

These things I remember as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go with the multitude,
leading the procession to the house of God,
with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Tis no secret that the days at work has been a bundle of turmoil, and the nights at home has been less than peaceful. And just the other day, Loic-ky asked me how I could believe that God exists when all things bad had happened to me.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

My soul is downcast within me;

therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan,

the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Now, religion has been a topic that I have refrained from expanding my thoughts upon, as I have always held firm the belief – To each their own. Yet tonight, there is a deep sense of peace that has not been felt in a very long time.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

Maybe it’s cos I went home to mum’s and dad’s, had dinner with Lydia and Luke.

By day the LORD directs his love,

at night his song is with me—

a prayer to the God of my life.

Maybe it’s cos I only spent 7 hours at work and this week is a short week.

I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?

Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

Or maybe.. just maybe… I know that I’m not alone, and have not been alone thru it all.

My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?

Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,

my Savior and my God.

I’m glad my mum led me to this Psalm at our family altar tonight before I left. While it may not have given me the answers that I seek, it has given me the assurance that my thoughts not said out loud, have been heard.

My prayer(s) had been heard. I was told so in this subtle manner. And with time, patience and faith… it will all pan out the way that’s been planned. Just like everything else that has been with my life.

Strange isn’t it – to see this side of me so seldom shown.

Turning Back

I have a job interview tomorrow.

Even before I've gone for it, I know deep down inside, that it ain't the right one for me.

For work is more than work, and a job is more than building a career. With the amount of time and effort I put into the things I do to make a living, it sort of becomes my second home. My colleagues becomes my siblings and my bosses, my surrogate parents.

And my boss's wife didn't have to tell me what she did today - I already knew it.

And so, this birdie ain't leaving the cuckoo's nest just yet.

The Dark Knight

Having slept on it.. this is all that remains to be said..

You remain my power, my pleasure, my pain
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?

Very Obviously

Drunk like a skunk.. or donkey..

Take your pick.. I don't really care.. I'm gonna go crash on my table instead and hopefully wake up happy again :o)

Locked Doors and Moondance

So here I am on a Friday evening, sitting in the office with my Walkman plugged in and pondering on a “discussion” I had an hour ago.

To put things in context, I got a call slight past 3, summoning me to see the Client at 5 pm. Wasn’t told why and the secretary couldn’t suss it out for me at all. As the clock ticked towards 5, I tried to cover as many of my bases as possible cos I have had many exciting shags in that office.

Finally being called in, I was surprise to see the door being closed behind me. *Gasp* THIS was definitely going to be worse than any shags I have ever had before. And even though many bases were covered prior to it, I would never ever be prepared for what ensued.

Witch hunt ~ noun ~ An intensive effort to discover and expose disloyalty, subversion, dishonesty, or the like, usually based on slight, doubtful, or irrelevant evidence.

And yours truly is smacked right in the middle of not one but TWO hunts!

And so… as I wait for my sate dinner… I am thinking – How?! How the bloody hell did I, a mere low-level manager, in a building of over 600 people, get picked out for this stupid shit?! There are 75 of us in the F&B Department and I had to be the one on the path that has lead me down this rabbit hole.

I am upset beyond belief as in that span of 30 minutes, I was asked to do things that I should never be asked to do! It fucking goes beyond – way beyond – my entire value chain. But what is more upsetting is the fact that somebody else thinks that they can scare me enough into doing their bidding.

Oh the fool who thinks that Barbara Er Guek Meng does not possess any intellect or common sense.

Right now, I guess as the dust settles, I can only be grateful for 2 things – a boss that has got more sense that I have occasionally taken credit away from, and this being a Friday night.

All I need now to cap today off in the style that I had wanted it to would be for the drinks seller at sate stall to be carrying a bottle of whiskey or vodka *grin*

Let the evil chants begin!