This post was actually written on Friday night and published. But after sleeping on it overnight, I decided to take it off. Anyways, words that have been expunged, should remain expunged. And so, it makes its appearance once again. Somethings and some thoughts just doesn't change, no matter how many nights it's slept upon.
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One has to be warned at this point that this is a rant, an unleashing of anger so deep, dark and twisted, words are going to be spat out like a machine-gun. And with bullets, it is going to tear apart and draw blood, at the guilty and the innocent.
Hope
dangles on a string
like slow-spinning redemption
winding in and winding out
the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so
mesmerizing, so
hypnotizing, I am
captivated, I am
For anger, like hope, is a very captivating and mesmerizing emotion and it feeds on itself like oxygen to fire. No amount of fast driving the lil Wink mobile thru Jalan Damansara at 140 kmph has driven it out of me. It has only added to it.
To clear of accusation, blame, suspicion, or doubt with supporting arguments or proof
I wrote earlier “Oh the fool who thinks that Barbara Er Guek Meng does not possess any intellect or common sense.” Apparently a number of people seem to think that of me, I have come to realize. Correction – I have realized it all this while but have been fooling myself into thinking that I am not being fair, just and objective.
So clear
like the diamond in your ring
cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
isolated, so
motivated,
I am certain now that I am
To provide justification or support for
And since we’re on the path of being honest and confessions and what have you not, let’s just throw in the 2 things I hate most in life – 1) Being pushed into corners (as was apparent in last post) and 2) being made to feel as though I am an obligation. Call me Miss Hyper-sensitive. I don’t really give a donkey’s arse for the last time.
And I have just been made to feel that. AND I am sick of it – sick, Sick, SICK! Let me illustrate – ask me why I don’t see my former best buddy anymore. It’s because 1) he only has time for me when his girlfriend is not around, and 2) when that happens, I have a lil cow-like timer ticking away until the buzzer goes for time when she finishes work or come home.
To justify or prove the worth of, especially in light of later developments.
And so, for fuck’s sake – don’t freaking spend time with me if my company is only worth 60 minutes or 90 minutes of your fucking time. Please – if it is only worth that much, just go sod off cos there’s a long line of people who place no time limits on my company.
So tie up
the corners of your lips
part them and feel my fingertips
trace the moment fall forever
Defense is paper-thin,
just one touch and I'll be in too
Deep now to ever swim
against the current
So let me slip away
To defend, maintain, or insist on the recognition of
Like I said earlier – I’m just sick of the way things are right now. And yes – Mandy – you told me so. And yes, for once I am agreeing with you whole-heartedly.
And it doesn’t really matter right now that it’s probably me against the rest of the world. So what if I danced to my own tune, or live by my own set of definitions and rules? Which by the by would include the definition of important. Cos Important doesn’t mean giving me your time of day when you have nothing else better to do, or when the girl you like leaves you heaving on the bathroom floor.
Important is freaking trekking thru 4 fucking crowded shopping malls to find the right gift. Important is fucking stopping at 2 pharmacies and then driving the same distance to the office and back just so you fucking have your medication and get better soon (which is by the way the infamous FIB of not being where I was suppose to be.) Important is feeling pain when you feel pain.
Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right - I swear I'm right
swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
the things you swore you saw yourself
To exact revenge for; avenge
Like I said before – this posting is going to draw blood. For I am done bleeding by myself – done, Done, DONE.
No one – NO ONE should have the power to bring me to my knees in anger or in anguish. NO ONE should have the power to twist my arm and make me sit by the curb, pondering over my future. NO ONE should have the power to make me feel inadequate and flawed.
Not the Madam. Not the Italian Dude. Not the boy I would go to the ends of the earth for.
I’m vindicating myself. I’m laying the blame on someone else’s door, FOR ONCE. Like it was said before - Ain't gonna let what happened before, happen again. No way.
And with that, I am spent. I am emptied and I am tired. And I have cut the string and flying loose. I am sad but I will FOR ONCE not let that sadness overcome me.
I feel and see MY OWN worth now. Tis a pity the rest of the world never did before I had to pull the trigger.
Goodnight world. I hope you feel as liberated as I do...
Like Hope
dangles on a string
a slow-spinning redemption
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