Roadtrip

I'm doing a roadtrip wif my folks and kids back to the hometown. As my mum said - it's been years since we've all ridden in a car together. Monday calls it Doing The Adult thing, and says it's about time I kept my family cued in on my life. Oh well - nothing like being in a car at night for hours to get that sorted eh? Have a great long weekend y'all. I'm off for some good homestate chow.

Higher Ground

I heard a familiar story at a convocation ceremony over the weekend – a tale of a jar, filled with golf balls, then pebbles, then sand and finally two cups of coffee. While I think that the audience at which the tale was targeted at might not have gotten the jist of it, it wasn’t a waste of the Dean’s time – someone heard what his message was.

It has been a bit of a topsy-turvy time, making me question a lot of my judgment calls and the decisions I have made. Things that I clung on to my dear life, turned out to be nothing but pebbles and sand.

Walk me over this horizon
Let the sun’s light warm my face
Once again the times are changing
Once again I lost my way

What have I learnt in these 32 years of living? A whole lot of lessons, I must say. I have seen and done things that others only read of, or watched on the telly. I have always thought that it was these trials that made me the strong person that I am. But in actuality, I did not just land, hitting the ground running ~ I was burying myself deeper into the ground each time, losing a bit of my soul.

While the words of ancient poets
Fall like dust upon my shoes
Greed has robbed me of my vision
Turned my heart from higher truths

They say carpe diem – seize the day. And I realize that I was holding out for one big day to seize, grab and call my own. I forget that each day is THE day, and there is something in it for me, to call my own. A laugh, a smile, a thought, an idea, a memory recalled, a memory made, a hug, a kiss, a compliment, a pat on the back – it is what makes each day.

I have walked too long in darkness
I have walked too long alone
Blindly clutching fists of diamonds
That I found were merely stone

Each year since the day I was born, has been filled with nothing but it. Yet I have failed to see, to appreciate, to cherish each and every one of them. As I count the next 24 hours, to turning a year older, I would like to count all my blessings for once ~ to really sit and take stock of all my achievements and gifts.

And they are:

I have been given more time to be with my angels and my family. I have missed out on so much, sacrificed so much, telling myself that it was for their greater good – their future. What I had forgotten is that their present is equally important, and without the present – there would be no future. By the time I am done providing for them, they might not be my side any longer. Mum’s so psyched that I’m going home tonight for dinner to celebrate my birthday that she woke up early to go to the market, to get my favourite food.

I have been given a new path in my career, allowing me to learn to lead rather than do. What I do today may not be as glamorous as what I used to do. But here’s the thing – I have lived out of suitcases and airports, I have power-lunched with head honchos, I have railed and banged my fair share of conference tables and I have signed enough documents. None of them brought me the sense of fulfillment I sought. I am currently doing the ONE thing that I am passionate about. As a wise bread man once said – there is nothing to be envious about when it comes to tones of emails to reply, phone calls to return or mountains of paperwork to tackle. It’s not the amount of time I spend in the office, or the amount of walking I do. Yet each minute I spend at it, might change someone’s future just that little bit. And no amount of frequent flyer miles can bring about that.

I have been reunited with friends and I have strengthen the bonds of existing friendship, growing that wee bit more, behaving less like a child (I think!) and shifting it from being the mundane, to being the diamonds that I would proudly wear. I have always said I have enough friends and am not here to populate my phone book. But I have never lived it out. For those who are on my phonebook were nothing but names and contacts. And it was a pity for they are indeed the best people I could think of in the world, to have standing by my side. They hurt when I hurt or even when they think that I could even be remotely hurting. They take the time out to sit me down, look me in the eye and tell me things in a way that only they could make me see.

Last but not least, I am finally casting aside some rotting potatoes that have been weighing me down. I surprise even myself at that when I picked up my phone during drive-home traffic, asking a friend to convey a birthday wish today. And for once, it was remembered without a touch of sardonic twist of “I hope you’re happy.” 40 is a big milestone and sincerely, I wish said person the best in the path he walks.

I would trade the world of ages
For a warmer hand to hold
The path of light is narrow
But it leads to streets of gold

I used to think I know it all, having been there and done that. But I do not. So many of life’s lessons I wrote off as inappropriate or old school traditionalist way of living. And the words of Michelle Obama’s speech about her husband, American Presidential Candidate Barack Obama comes to mind – there is a way that the world is, and a way that the world should be. And that if we work as one, together, the way the world should be, would become a reality.

I think almost everyone who reads this, has at some point or other, spoken till they were blue in the face, trying to thread me back into the way my world should be. I have been walking against the tide, driving myself nowhere, trying to prove a point to everyone when I had no need to. I am my greatest enemy, undermining my own self without reason but with the false logic and rationale that that is the way my world is.

It’s not to say that my demons hiding in the closet have been absolutely cast out – that would be an exaggeration of the truth, for they still lurk in the dark recess of my mind. But the dust bunnies are no longer accumulating, and those that remain – they are progressively getting bored idling around.

In this world we move through shadows
Never sure of what we see
While the truth that lies between us
Come and share the truth with me

We only have once chance at this thing we call LIFE. And it is pointless to be a year older, and a year wiser, if all that we do is lose sight of what is real and now. For that would not be being wiser at all. And so, what then do I hope to achieve in the year to come?

I haven’t quite figured it out yet. There seems to be so many things that I feel I should do. But for starters, I’d go with a stab at being ME, and being alright if the real ME was less than. I think I’ll even try my hand at being honest at admitting that I am fallible and being alright with not being infallible. And last but not least, I would definitely go after what I want.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honour bound
Take my heart to higher ground

I feel free and light ~ as if I have the world at my feet and seeing the skies, the clouds, and the stars for the first time. And so as the calendar turns to a new page and the computer printout changes my age, I am looking into the mirror and alright with what I see. To borrow the words of a puppy – I may not be all that I am, but I’m alright being me.

Happy Birthday Me! Welcome to the rest of MY life!

Higher Ground

Barbra Streisand

Bumper Stickers

4 years ago, on my 29th birthday, Pups and I came up with this fantastic line, inspired by one too many brandy-soaked moraschino cherries. We thought it'd be great as a bumper sticker ~ It didn't quite qualify for being a Hallmark card cos of the 18SX implication.

Imagine - 4 years on, the phrase gets inspired to mind once again! Must be a sign to finally get them printed.

*grin* It's been a great day and a great year. Nothing beats a birthday that's come early!

Apollo-Gee

My niece has this nasty habit of uttering the word “sorry" for every single thing that she is chastised for. She can go up to 10 “sorry" in a span of half hour, on a really bad day. One fine day, after her 5th one, I dragged her aside and asked her why she thinks that by apologizing, she’s gotten way scot-free? Needless to say, she couldn’t give me an answer. And I don’t blame her cos she’s only turning 6.

Maybe it’s just me with a chip on my shoulder. But I believe that the word sorry should not be taken for granted and strewn a thousand times a day. Yet it seems that everyone else has the mentality and maturity of my young niece there.

To me, the word is a form of apology, and thus should be treated with some form of reverence. It is afterall, an expression of one’s regret or remorse or sorrow for having insulted, failed, injured or wronged another.

I’m sorry I’m late.
I’m sorry I can’t make it.
I’m sorry I made this mistake.

As I sit and write this, I cannot help but think back to some people that I know of, who I am close with, who now seem to be as young as my niece is. Cos like her, they throw a "Sorry" one way and go and repeat the same act again, in the not too distant future.

Have we become so superficial that we actually believe that one word, made up of 5 alphabets are enough to communicate or demonstrate that we regret having done something that caused another to be upset?

It’s a situation that I have an issue with and maybe we should all sit and ponder a bit there. Are we behaving like the adults we’re supposed to be? Or are we all behaving like a child, thinking we could get away with murder, just because?

For if you are really regretful for being late, your behavior in the course of the time to follow would communicate in more ways than one sad lil word can do.

For if you are really remorseful for having to cancel, your determination to ensure that the next time round is kept to, would demonstrate that you are contrite for having done so initially.

For while you may behave like a 6 year old, doesn’t mean that the receiving party has the gullibility of a 6 year old as well to believe you.

Don’t forget – say it often enough without any real intention, it becomes just another word heard in the course of a day. And words have a habit of being soon enough forgotten. And so might the same apply to the one doing the uttering.

Eventually they too become nothing and forgotten.

The First One

I'm one of those persons who measures the weight of a friendship by the amount of thought and care that goes in.

Got my 1st birthday present today from 2 such persons. I am not surprised by their choice - a book for the word devourer. But the choice of title was a surprise - the 3rd Stephen Clark that I've yet to read.

They didn't have to ... but I'm glad they did. And that is the joy I derive from it - that I count them as my good friends.

And if it's the only gift I get this year, all I can say would be this:

Which Is IT?

pseu·do ~ adjective

1. Not actually but having the appearance of; pretended; false or spurious; sham.
2. Almost, approaching, or trying to be.

The English language sure is a funny thing! How could one word have 2 very opposite definitions?

I mean, pretending and trying to be may seem the same, but it's not. In my humble opinion, the former definition connotes some form of deception of already having achieved while the latter promotes a sense of working towards, and will get there eventually.

Imagine, if someone says you're in a pseudo-relationship. Are they insinuating that

1. You're not but living in fairy-land inside your head by pretending to be? OR
2. You're not but exuding all the characteristics of one?

Go figure!

*Sigh* No wonder everyone is confused and never on the same page!

Author's Note:
This post is not meant to be taken seriously nor as a declaration of anything of that sort.

32 and 1 more

I am 32 years and 51 weeks old… Every year, I make it a point to sit down and reflect by myself on the year past. And with 7 days left to go, I suppose I should not put it off much longer. Seeing how I have just celebrated my birthday in advance in a very impromptu fashion and having a very expensive 4 shots of premium coffee liqueur tequila traversing thru my system – what better time than now eh?

Patron XO Cafe (Coffee Liqueuer with Tequila)

I don’t have to go thru my blog to recall what it was I thought of the Year that was 31. I can still remember that on a whole lot of achievements and one big disappointment. In a way, one could say I had almost everything a year ago – a good tight circle of friends, great colleagues, and a job I adored and immensely enjoyed, but I was not happy (tho for the life of me now I cannot recall what the ONE BIG DISAPPOINTMENT IS!!)

In comparison, this year – this year appears to be the reverse - not a whole lot of achievements and seemingly, nothing but disappointments. I mean, I don’t see as much of some of my close friends as I used to do. Some days, I don’t particularly feel excited about going to work. Plus, 3 years on I still unlock the front door and the only sound is the sound of me taking off my shoes by the foyer shelf.

Yet, it doesn’t quite bother me as much as it used to. So it must be this (and it’s not the tequila talking) – I am contented.

I wake up each day and wonder what surprises the day would bring. And I’m beginning to find joy in the little things like teaching my kids the word “apocalypse” and its meaning (a big disaster that could bring the world to an end where everybody dies!). I don’t go without dinner, even if it’s just a piece of toast and a glass of chocolate milk just cos there’s no one to eat with me. And when I lay my head down on my pillow to sleep each night, it’s with a smile on my face cos it was a good day.

I used to think that we should not jinx the flow of good fortune by pondering on it. But now I count each day as a blessing – that I had a genuine reason to smile, laugh and walk with a spring in my step.

I have a feeling it’s gonna be a thrilling year – being 33. It may not be all good days, and as life goes – there’s bound to be instances where the phrase “it’s my heart, my liver and my sanity” would be uttered at least once. But for once, I am pretty sure that I will walk out of whatever challenges that come my way this year, with my head held high and my soul still intact.

If you were to ask my mum tonight if she thought I was happy – I can bet you my bottom dollar that she would say yes. Cos she’s not seen the ME that I have been off-late in a very long while.

The best bit of it would be - It’s got nothing to do with a boy. But everything to do with me being ME.