31.. the year that was..

A year ago, I got absolutely wasted celebrating turning 30 years and 11 months. I absolutely did not want to turn 31.. and looking back at the year that was, I suppose one could call it premonition of things changing majorly in my life.

Turning 32 is not that big a milestone. But if you walked a mile in my shoes, everyday, every year is a milestone. A celebration of the fact that I am still standing.

It’s been a year of changes. The change in job, the change in life for a spell. Right now, “there” is not exactly the pretty picture that I had expected. And I am struggling majorly to accept things to be the way they are, to balance life up nicely so I don’t fall off any one end.

And looking at my blog postings for the last 3 weeks or so, it is a mirror effect of just how busy life has gotten for me. To the point, I cannot think when I come home. Think enough to unload my thoughts in an eloquent and insightful way. Any writing that I have done in the last 4 weeks had not had much profoundness in it.

It should be something that I should be proud of. I believe that my mentor would be silently proud of me as well. That I am able to carry my own weight without him backing me up. That was also his wish. And now, I think I’ve finally learnt the lesson and applying it.

I’ve finally learnt what it means to nurture other people the way that I have been nurtured. And it is with quiet excitement that I anticipate the moment when I see the fruits of my time investments paying off. It is not expectation. It is anticipation.

I’ve also realize that I have a yearning for adding on to my own knowledge and applying it in my work life. And that is what learning should be about. It does ease the pain a bit, of watching my former colleagues advance in their MBA, knowing that it would take a huge windfall before I step forward with mine once again.

Most importantly, in the last 365 days, I have realized that despite insulating myself personally against taking gambles and risk, I am but only human. And the wall can only remain up for that long.

I learnt what it was like to walk with a spring in my step or to hear the phone ring or to see an email or instant message pop up with anticipation. I learnt what it was like to have someone hold your hand and in that instant, everything else did not matter and no matter how crazy the world is, I was safe. I learnt what it was like to trust someone else with myself, pushing away desperately the nagging doubt that I was just going to fall flat on my face once again.

Was it worth it? Breaking it all down? I’m not too sure, to be honest.

For one, there is nothing really to show for it except maybe for some memories, when invoked, still bring smiles to my face on a dreary day. While it warms the heart, it chills the soul. It’s not a nice feeling. Definitely very bitter-sweet.

They say that as you grow older, you grow wiser.. and life becomes easier. Life should not be this hard.. that you have to think so deeply and keep your head above water, just to know who you are.

I used to be able to speak my thoughts.. fearless… uninhibited. These days, the only way to get it all out of me is make me mad to the point of not giving a rat’s ass.. or load me up with lots of alcohol so I get into the spirit of truth. And even then, one has to find out about it by logging on to my blog.

But the truth is this - Life is hard. And it only gets harder as you grow up and grow older.

You get paid more, but you also put in more.

You fall less often, but when you do, it hurts a hell lot more.

Your judgment and instincts improve, but the disappointments get harder to forget.

The year that was… 31.. a year of achievement.. and one big disappointment.

Here’s wishing that the remaining 25 days would bring some form of salvation for the year that was.