Higher Ground

I heard a familiar story at a convocation ceremony over the weekend – a tale of a jar, filled with golf balls, then pebbles, then sand and finally two cups of coffee. While I think that the audience at which the tale was targeted at might not have gotten the jist of it, it wasn’t a waste of the Dean’s time – someone heard what his message was.

It has been a bit of a topsy-turvy time, making me question a lot of my judgment calls and the decisions I have made. Things that I clung on to my dear life, turned out to be nothing but pebbles and sand.

Walk me over this horizon
Let the sun’s light warm my face
Once again the times are changing
Once again I lost my way

What have I learnt in these 32 years of living? A whole lot of lessons, I must say. I have seen and done things that others only read of, or watched on the telly. I have always thought that it was these trials that made me the strong person that I am. But in actuality, I did not just land, hitting the ground running ~ I was burying myself deeper into the ground each time, losing a bit of my soul.

While the words of ancient poets
Fall like dust upon my shoes
Greed has robbed me of my vision
Turned my heart from higher truths

They say carpe diem – seize the day. And I realize that I was holding out for one big day to seize, grab and call my own. I forget that each day is THE day, and there is something in it for me, to call my own. A laugh, a smile, a thought, an idea, a memory recalled, a memory made, a hug, a kiss, a compliment, a pat on the back – it is what makes each day.

I have walked too long in darkness
I have walked too long alone
Blindly clutching fists of diamonds
That I found were merely stone

Each year since the day I was born, has been filled with nothing but it. Yet I have failed to see, to appreciate, to cherish each and every one of them. As I count the next 24 hours, to turning a year older, I would like to count all my blessings for once ~ to really sit and take stock of all my achievements and gifts.

And they are:

I have been given more time to be with my angels and my family. I have missed out on so much, sacrificed so much, telling myself that it was for their greater good – their future. What I had forgotten is that their present is equally important, and without the present – there would be no future. By the time I am done providing for them, they might not be my side any longer. Mum’s so psyched that I’m going home tonight for dinner to celebrate my birthday that she woke up early to go to the market, to get my favourite food.

I have been given a new path in my career, allowing me to learn to lead rather than do. What I do today may not be as glamorous as what I used to do. But here’s the thing – I have lived out of suitcases and airports, I have power-lunched with head honchos, I have railed and banged my fair share of conference tables and I have signed enough documents. None of them brought me the sense of fulfillment I sought. I am currently doing the ONE thing that I am passionate about. As a wise bread man once said – there is nothing to be envious about when it comes to tones of emails to reply, phone calls to return or mountains of paperwork to tackle. It’s not the amount of time I spend in the office, or the amount of walking I do. Yet each minute I spend at it, might change someone’s future just that little bit. And no amount of frequent flyer miles can bring about that.

I have been reunited with friends and I have strengthen the bonds of existing friendship, growing that wee bit more, behaving less like a child (I think!) and shifting it from being the mundane, to being the diamonds that I would proudly wear. I have always said I have enough friends and am not here to populate my phone book. But I have never lived it out. For those who are on my phonebook were nothing but names and contacts. And it was a pity for they are indeed the best people I could think of in the world, to have standing by my side. They hurt when I hurt or even when they think that I could even be remotely hurting. They take the time out to sit me down, look me in the eye and tell me things in a way that only they could make me see.

Last but not least, I am finally casting aside some rotting potatoes that have been weighing me down. I surprise even myself at that when I picked up my phone during drive-home traffic, asking a friend to convey a birthday wish today. And for once, it was remembered without a touch of sardonic twist of “I hope you’re happy.” 40 is a big milestone and sincerely, I wish said person the best in the path he walks.

I would trade the world of ages
For a warmer hand to hold
The path of light is narrow
But it leads to streets of gold

I used to think I know it all, having been there and done that. But I do not. So many of life’s lessons I wrote off as inappropriate or old school traditionalist way of living. And the words of Michelle Obama’s speech about her husband, American Presidential Candidate Barack Obama comes to mind – there is a way that the world is, and a way that the world should be. And that if we work as one, together, the way the world should be, would become a reality.

I think almost everyone who reads this, has at some point or other, spoken till they were blue in the face, trying to thread me back into the way my world should be. I have been walking against the tide, driving myself nowhere, trying to prove a point to everyone when I had no need to. I am my greatest enemy, undermining my own self without reason but with the false logic and rationale that that is the way my world is.

It’s not to say that my demons hiding in the closet have been absolutely cast out – that would be an exaggeration of the truth, for they still lurk in the dark recess of my mind. But the dust bunnies are no longer accumulating, and those that remain – they are progressively getting bored idling around.

In this world we move through shadows
Never sure of what we see
While the truth that lies between us
Come and share the truth with me

We only have once chance at this thing we call LIFE. And it is pointless to be a year older, and a year wiser, if all that we do is lose sight of what is real and now. For that would not be being wiser at all. And so, what then do I hope to achieve in the year to come?

I haven’t quite figured it out yet. There seems to be so many things that I feel I should do. But for starters, I’d go with a stab at being ME, and being alright if the real ME was less than. I think I’ll even try my hand at being honest at admitting that I am fallible and being alright with not being infallible. And last but not least, I would definitely go after what I want.

So take my hand and lift me higher
Be my love and my desire
Hold me safe and honour bound
Take my heart to higher ground

I feel free and light ~ as if I have the world at my feet and seeing the skies, the clouds, and the stars for the first time. And so as the calendar turns to a new page and the computer printout changes my age, I am looking into the mirror and alright with what I see. To borrow the words of a puppy – I may not be all that I am, but I’m alright being me.

Happy Birthday Me! Welcome to the rest of MY life!

Higher Ground

Barbra Streisand