Four big and one small

Ben turns 41 today. He is off celebrating with his pals and by the time I see him next, this day would be long came and gone.

It is a poignant day. Not because this is a contest of who gets the best of his time. And it is really not about today as in the day and date.

Ray died, shortly after his 41st birthday. And I, no one better, knows how short life is... The things he could have done, if he had lived longer.

And that is why today, Ben's 41st birthday is an important one. Because I need him to cross this.. Not just a bit of it, half of it, or most of it. I need him to cross all of this.. And have many more.

I missed out on one lifetime... God, I do not want another snatched out from under me again.

Indulging in Greed

I'm indulging in my sense of greed tonight. I need to get it out of my system before it explodes in the worst possible manner. After all, we need to have acknowledgment before we can have acceptance.

Acceptance that this year you've been stolen right out from under my nose. That in less than 72 hours your birthday will dawn and this year, it would not be with me.

Logic tells me that it is just a birthday. Rationale creeps in with yes, life is short and you love to spread it around.  Memory reminds me that we had Valentine's on top of one of the world's tallest structures this year. YET I cannot help but be greedy.

And I wish with all my might that I am not that bun that comes with the set lunch. I wish that I can stop wanting a bottomless glass. And I try, and try and try. And then I stop and hold my breathe.

I know Thursday will come and go. I will have to at some point exhale. And I know that I will be fine.

Cos if I know you like I think I do - you'll find a way of making it up. In your own silent, silly and nondescript way.

And then I pray that when that day or moment comes, I will have wised up sufficiently to recognise it as it is. Cos this is what it takes to love someone like you.

High Maintenance

I spent the better part of yesterday at the hospital with Mum. There was the follow-up to her GERD treatment as well as seeing a new physician for her chronic hip pain. Of course, to Mum, the key issue was that more than half a grand was spent. 

As the Ambassador said to me not too long ago - we all reach a point where, like it or not, we become high maintenance with our healthcare issues.

I come from the perspective that pain is unnecessary. If money could buy relief and yes - healing, then let it be done. There is no need to hem-haw-and-hee about it. So what if it is a strain on resources? In today's lifestyle of excesses, there is always something that can be done without.

Yet, try as I may to explain thing very simple logic to my ageing-parents and extended family, it frustrates that it seems to fall on deaf ears.

Parents should believe that they have done right by their children and raised them with the core values of life. And be acknowledging that, allow them to provide the best they can.

Take it from me, the grown child - there is nothing more hurtful that a parent can do, then by denying the grown child the opportunity to do that. Yes, you may have one foot already six feet under - but do not leave us with guilt for the rest of our lives.

So if you're high maintenance now - so be it. Sit back and enjoy the ride: after all, even you live only once.

Three Lil Words

We're in the season of TV drama finales. From September to May the year after, we stay glued to our telly screen - same day of the week, week in and out, at the same time. Come hell or high-water: nothing stands in between our soaps and us.

I had written before - if only life and living was as easy as an episode of something: the high, the low, the mystery and the salvation all wrapped up in under 40 minutes. But life is not a schedule in a TV guide... nor does it last just 40 minutes.

One of my all-time favourite soaps is undeniably Grey's Anatomy. For 8 years now I have watched the dark and twisted sisters go through all sorts of drama. At some times of life, you could even say it is almost like watching the mirror into your soul. Yet, even with TV characters - they grow, they evolve. They break, they mend.

Perhaps I have been watching too much of Grey's at one go. Perhaps I forgot for a moment that it is just a show, and not real-life. Or maybe perhaps it was just time.

Words that should have been spoken long ago were finally expelled (and yes, it felt good!). Questions that should have been asked were finally asked.

Do I regret it? I may... tomorrow.. or the day after... I don't know. But that's not important. The important thing is that I said it. I will not go to my grave (or him to his) without never ever hearing what is truly important being said, even just once, out loud.

I have come such a long way. We have come such a long way. And you know what - there's so much more way to travel.

I bared my soul to the still of the night - and I came out of it alright. Maybe it is indeed a sign: Life has changed... Life has moved on - leave the past where it belongs.

Perpetual Flash Backs

The ugly dragon reared it's beastly head once again. Despite everything I have learnt, it takes very little to have me cowering beneath my desk.

I am sick and tired of this; of myself and my past. Oh what i would not give to re-live my life over, just so i do bot have to go thru this perpetual flash-back of falsehood, lies and pain.

I need to cross over my own Tennessee line but I do not know how...

God help me please ...

My Missing Shoe

I had spent the week past in a whirlwind trip of Ireland on business. It was unscheduled and it was rushed. Yet, in between the the rolling countryside and the winding roads, the boardrooms and the hospital rooms, I couldn't help but be very aware that I was traveling with my better half.

I had jokingly said some time back that if this trip had materialised, I had to go it alone - that I needed my space whilst traveling.

It's funny how you do not realise what you need until you do not have it. I needed you very badly on this trip - even if it was just to calm me down at the end of a crazy scheduled day.

I was walking without a one shoe. I do not want to do it again.

April's the Fool

4 years have come and gone... needless to say and as cliche as it may sound: Time has flown by.

This year, I am reflecting how far we have both come and how if I allow it: Life can and has surprised me, taking away my breath with it at the same time.

It's not just the places we've gone together but rather the strides in our communication. One would think that after some years, this would no longer be a problem. Yet, we all know that the first thing to go in most over time is the ability to communicate.

So I am pleased, contented but most importantly - grateful. Grateful for your patience, to have waited this long for this clam to open up. And at the same time, for no longer clamming up yourself.

You have been and continues to be my silver lining, my unexpected blessing, my lifeline. Here's to many more babe!