Turnip Thoughts

I am exhausted. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. And today was not a good day to be in such a state.

A former colleague who specialised in Neuro-linguistic Programming had this idea that a person's state does not normally last beyond minutes. I have defied the law of NLP perhaps then today. And it has drained me just as a machine drains a stem of sugar cane.

Mandy said I really shouldn't be in this state. We had always known that said bastard of the year (pardon the French but as you can see, there is still residue rage going on) was my rubbish. And she is right.

Last night, before I closed my eyes, I whispered something to the wind and in it there was the thought that whatever it was I had stated, is not meant to change anything for it has always been the way it was from a certain point in time.

And if I applied the same to this scenario, whatever new 'knowledge' that I have now in my possession coming 24 hours, really shouldn't change anything as well. Lydia, Luke and I, though not rich, have been doing alright. 

They may not have had that trip to Disneyland they have been hankering for the last 2 years, but they have food on their plate, clothes on their back, roof over their heads and a bed to lie in on at night. And I - I have not appeared as tomorrow's headlines for abuse, fraud or as a puddle on the ground floor of some high-rise.

Perhaps I am just sad. Sad that my children were not wanted. And indignant that they have been denied whatever is owed to them.

But I'm going to give myself to the end of this blog to feel that way on their behalf, for when I saw them this evening - they were not sad nor indignant. Their world turned as it usually does today, like any other day. So why should I carry this weight around me any more for my life?

I have done enough. Enough with that entire episode. I had once drawn to the tip of my tongue a retort that if I thought, really thought and believed that by dying myself, right now, could go back and undo all the wrong decisions I had made back then, I would do it. But no, I don't really think that way, nor believe it to be true.

And so, I shall take the advice of Paulo Coelho:

Welcome and live sadness intensively for a determined amount of period.

Be completely submersed in this feeling.

Once you’ve let sadness pay you a visit, 

then kindly ask it to leave. 

Sadness is then satisfied and leaves.

Sadness, I have welcomed and embraced you today. I allowed you to follow me around like a shadow everywhere. It was a fruitful day and I hope you had a blast of a time. But the sun has set and the moon has risen. In hours, a new day will begin, and I would like it to be my own. With that, I am asking you politely to leave me now.

Thank you.