Not alone...

I am feeling melancholic tonight. And a little bit pensive. Add to it, lost for words. Yes – I for once, actually don’t quite know what to say.

Went and had dinner with one of my best mates.. our usual Foodie Friday, which of-late has not been quite consistent for one reason or another. I would have loved for it to be under better circumstances, but alas, it was not quite to be. For my dearest friend had quite a blow this morning. It took me quite by surprise, reading his first mail of the day, at one particular para and I kinda sat staring at the screen for a while.

And while I did what any friend would in these situations (which is texting a mobile hug across), it didn’t really occur to me that it WAS a big thing. One where I, as one of his closest friends, would stand by and watch.

Look at them running off the sidewalk,
Look at us falling off a building,
Look at them reading lights,
Look at me, look at you

As the day progressed, it did leave me wondering, why this person was dropping one IM after another. But as I sat there tonight, despite the up-keep of trying to be upbeat and smiles… my Bear is in pain. And there is nothing I can do to make it stop. To put it simply, if my mate was a drinking person, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Instead, I would be buying him round after round, just so he would stumble home and at least, get thru tonight. But he ain't.. so yeah.

Look at the sidewalk cracking under,
The under side is black,
Look at us broken, bricks are falling,
The shades of grey

I just wrote somewhere that I’m currently searching for the sense in this world that I live in. But despite of everything I wrote above, tonight.. I can’t make sense of the world. For Bear – I don’t have the answer to your question. I could tell you what I think, but that would not mean that as a person who shares my name, it would be the same reason. And in all honesty – I really hope it isn’t.

We ourselves have often done things, said things that days later we forget or no longer hold the same quantum as it did then. I don’t think we’re the sort of people who do it with the intent to set out and hurt someone. Each person’s perspective moves at different speed.. maybe this one particular perspective is moving at the speed of a “Len Seng” bus.

Look at the shallow water,
That comes on me
Walk to the water
Shed through the looking glass

To go thru life as we have had.. and to hold out for hope and have hope happen, then taken away.. “shitty” is being polite in describing it. But we do the best we can.. and sometimes, we lose against fate and destiny. And all we can do is suck it all up and go on. Maybe for a short bit, it’ll be like going thru life in another’s body and soul.. but as we know it – eventually we become whole again.

Could everybody standing around us,
Could everybody drown us here
Just looking through the looking glass

These thoughts.. it really shouldn’t be here. It should instead be in my last email reply for today. But for some strange reason, I think my mate is preserving his last ounces of stability and emotional balance.. and reading it there might make it all seem more real.

If I had one wish tonight, it would be that this Bear has something to smile about tonight and for the days and weeks to come. Maybe the porcupine door-stop with the flat top did it for a bit, but I know Bear… it freaking bloody hurts.

All I can say is this… If we let – we don’t always have to go thru life’s shitty aspects by ourselves. It took me a long time to realize that. And this mate is one of the 2 who taught me this fine lesson in life.

And so with that…

You’re not alone ~ not alone here…

Cos that's what best mates are for.

Splitting Quirks

quirk (kwûrk) ~ noun

1. A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy
2. An unpredictable or unaccountable act or event; a vagary
3. A sudden sharp turn or twist
4. An equivocation; a quibble

It's been raining the whole day. While most have bemoan this fact, to me, it is but another day, albeit with some natural sounds added to it with the fall of the drops to the ground.

I have been reading my postings here with the label Mango Liquer and some of them made me smile. But at the end of it, I can't help but think that there really is 2 sides to me. The dark and twisty side, where everything lays as it is - straight out and stiff as a dead body. And then, there's this up-beat childlike side which is so lightheaded, you could almost say it is giddy.

And today was one of those giddy days. I mean, I blasted Time of the Season by the Bryds at full volume at 6 pm in my tiny office that I share with 10 other people. Not only was I blasting it, I was singing out loud to it and bobbing as well. And I actually told my beary friend that he should go talk to his car, just so it won't act up on him in the mornings!

So yeah, while I may have left the house not wanting to say a word in the drive in to work, I sure ended the day on a high note. A very high note.

I'm hoping it'll carry over to the weekend, cos I am blastedly working 2 full days the entire time. And if the hope doesn't work out, there's always migraine pills with espressos!

So enjoy it folks. Soak it up - Mango Liquer is the flavour of the week.. it doesn't happy often.. so come on in and have a laugh with me. Lord knows there has not been enough of it lately *grin*

Seeking.. balance

doubt ~ verb / noun

1. To be uncertain about something; be undecided in opinion or belief.
2. A feeling of uncertainty about the truth, reality, or nature of something.

It hits you when you lest expect it. And once it is there, it ingrains itself so that you can think of nothing but IT.

It's destructive. It's manipulative. It's dangerous.

I've gotta get it out of my head.

Being Real

I had a most amazing email today, from a college mate that caught up with me on Facebook.

On a day like today, that mail was something that kept me buoyant. On a day like today, when I had to take a huge fall for the incompetencies of people I respect and work for, at 8 in the morning, that mail was something that made me stand tall despite having had the 40 devils descend on me.

For someone I knew from long ago, before life became LIFE... I am amazed that my musings went across the virtual space and made him sit and listen to this broken head being poured out. And from what he wrote, yups - he heard me alright.

I have to remember this day and take it all in. So that the next time I feel false and like another person, I can recollect that my friend from the land where there are more sheep than people, told me that inspite of it all - I am trying to keep it real.

And that to me, is by far, the most important thing to do in life. Cos it is a sign that I am not merely surviving. That I am not getting by through escapisms and what-have-you-not. It's a sign that I'm not just existing but living.

And THIS my friend - is what you get after the Blue Stuff. The sweetness of seeing the rainbow after the rain.

Choosing Impulse

Sometimes.. it's good for one's self to "just do it" - don't think, don't hesitate. Just do what comes to mind when it comes to mind. Cos when you do, there's an immense sense of liberation from your surroundings, your restrictions, your box.

And right now.. there is none more exhilarating then.. the feeling of being free - to do what I want, when I want. Because it is by MY choice.

Eyes Wide Shut Unopened

I must be getting old. For I am getting so horribly sentimental. Either that, or the honest truth that I have been shutting myself out to the point that it's spilling over.

I have stayed away from unleashing the thoughts in my head, simply because I did not want to think about things that make me sad, melancholic and weary. Life is hard enough as it is and I should not have to add on to it by my own thoughts.

Sometimes for the last few weeks, I find myself consciously focussing all the thoughts in my heads, all the emotions in my heart and chanelling it out in the way most unbelievable, that even I am surprised by how good I could be at this thing called acting.

We can all live a life of great pretense. Go through the motions of work and play in a 3rd person sense of things and hey - it's another dawn and another day. Keep going till you're ready to drop on your feet, and it ain't all that hard.

But this is the thing, I could say that... I cannot remember the last time I had real reason to smile... I cannot remember the last time I used my sunglasses to really hide out the glare of the sun, and not to hide the life-lessness in my eyes.. I cannot remember the last time I had a real conversation with someone, not hiding between the lines...

The sad truth would be that I do. I do remember all those times ...But I really shouldn't.

And so I should just live life eyes wide shut but unopened.

My Red Ribbon Way

It’s a Saturday night. Yet another weekend with Lydia and Luke away.

In a span of 48 hours, with the kids being away a common knowledge, I have had the following invites to spend my Saturday night as a single person:

• Watch a movie on a 42” plasma, lying on a suede recliner sofa and sipping Jack Daniels with Cola
• Welcome a visitor into my home, whom I have never met and only chatted idly for 10 minutes at most
• Come out and “play”

While most people would go “Wow” at the list of invites that I have gotten above, I don’t think they are aware of today being World AIDS Day. As such, I think the following facts wouldn’t have even been something they stop to read before heading out to party:

• Around 33.2 million people are living with HIV
• Each year around 2.5 million more people become infected with HIV and 2.1 million die of AIDS
• The number of people in Eastern Europe and Central Asia living with HIV increased 150% between 2001 and 2007
• The most common occurrence of HIV infections are transmitted through sex between men and women
• Nearly half of all adults living with HIV are female
• Many Western countries, such as the UK, have increasing rates of HIV transmission through heterosexual sex ~ In America, where more than a million people are living with HIV, heterosexual sex accounts for one third of new diagnoses.
• Of the 2.1 million people who died of AIDS during 2007, more than one in seven were children.
• Every hour, around forty children die as a result of AIDS

And it’s sad that these facts do not mean jack to a lot of people in this world, when it should. The reason of “My eyes glaze over when I see numbers” should not and cannot apply in this instance, as people recklessly and foolishly live for the moment, possibly foregoing their tomorrow.

A few months ago, in presenting my Outlets Marketing Plan, I had wanted my outlets to join in and commemorate today with my staff wearing the Red Ribbon, and setting aside an amount of today’s proceeds towards a facility that takes care of people dying of AIDS in Malaysia. I had wanted to give out information flyers and talk to our patrons of the importance of “living for tomorrow”.

But my plan was not passed. And sadly, business went on as usual in the hospital that I worked in. It was not something I had expected cos we’re in the healthcare business. We should do prevention, nor cure. Cos when it comes to HIV and AIDS, there is no cure, currently.

I am not out tonight. Instead, I am staying in with my phone shut off, a good book in hand and soul music playing on my stereo. It is my way of commemorating today, and remembering those who lost their lives because of one moment’s folly.

I wish I have a red ribbon today which I could pin on. The visual symbol to demonstrate compassion for people living with AIDS and their caregivers. The color red was chosen for its "connection to blood and the idea of passion ~ not only anger, but love, like a valentine."

While I am aware that sex is only one of the many means of transmitting the disease, it is the foremost thing on my mind tonight cos of the way we are today and our outlook on “seizing the day and landing the lay.”

Sure, I am just like you and every other person on the street. But by putting my thoughts down and standing my ground tonight (and most other nights in fact), I know I am gonna be one less person from that statistics that seem to be going thru the roof.

We all have a choice. And as with any decision-making model, let’s always think it thru nicely and wisely before coming to a decision that could potentially change our lives, and the lives of those we love forever.

Let not the Vodka, nor the beer be the tipping point of our lives.
Let not the weed, nor the coke be the killer of our hope.
Eat, drink, be my guest at being merry
So long as you support the Malaysian rubber industry
Or contribute some blood and money towards the testing industry
Live, love, shag for all I care

And if you really cannot keep to the above, then stay home, lock the doors, shut off the online chat, stash your phone away and get a very expansive showerhead or blow-up doll.