Not alone...

I am feeling melancholic tonight. And a little bit pensive. Add to it, lost for words. Yes – I for once, actually don’t quite know what to say.

Went and had dinner with one of my best mates.. our usual Foodie Friday, which of-late has not been quite consistent for one reason or another. I would have loved for it to be under better circumstances, but alas, it was not quite to be. For my dearest friend had quite a blow this morning. It took me quite by surprise, reading his first mail of the day, at one particular para and I kinda sat staring at the screen for a while.

And while I did what any friend would in these situations (which is texting a mobile hug across), it didn’t really occur to me that it WAS a big thing. One where I, as one of his closest friends, would stand by and watch.

Look at them running off the sidewalk,
Look at us falling off a building,
Look at them reading lights,
Look at me, look at you

As the day progressed, it did leave me wondering, why this person was dropping one IM after another. But as I sat there tonight, despite the up-keep of trying to be upbeat and smiles… my Bear is in pain. And there is nothing I can do to make it stop. To put it simply, if my mate was a drinking person, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Instead, I would be buying him round after round, just so he would stumble home and at least, get thru tonight. But he ain't.. so yeah.

Look at the sidewalk cracking under,
The under side is black,
Look at us broken, bricks are falling,
The shades of grey

I just wrote somewhere that I’m currently searching for the sense in this world that I live in. But despite of everything I wrote above, tonight.. I can’t make sense of the world. For Bear – I don’t have the answer to your question. I could tell you what I think, but that would not mean that as a person who shares my name, it would be the same reason. And in all honesty – I really hope it isn’t.

We ourselves have often done things, said things that days later we forget or no longer hold the same quantum as it did then. I don’t think we’re the sort of people who do it with the intent to set out and hurt someone. Each person’s perspective moves at different speed.. maybe this one particular perspective is moving at the speed of a “Len Seng” bus.

Look at the shallow water,
That comes on me
Walk to the water
Shed through the looking glass

To go thru life as we have had.. and to hold out for hope and have hope happen, then taken away.. “shitty” is being polite in describing it. But we do the best we can.. and sometimes, we lose against fate and destiny. And all we can do is suck it all up and go on. Maybe for a short bit, it’ll be like going thru life in another’s body and soul.. but as we know it – eventually we become whole again.

Could everybody standing around us,
Could everybody drown us here
Just looking through the looking glass

These thoughts.. it really shouldn’t be here. It should instead be in my last email reply for today. But for some strange reason, I think my mate is preserving his last ounces of stability and emotional balance.. and reading it there might make it all seem more real.

If I had one wish tonight, it would be that this Bear has something to smile about tonight and for the days and weeks to come. Maybe the porcupine door-stop with the flat top did it for a bit, but I know Bear… it freaking bloody hurts.

All I can say is this… If we let – we don’t always have to go thru life’s shitty aspects by ourselves. It took me a long time to realize that. And this mate is one of the 2 who taught me this fine lesson in life.

And so with that…

You’re not alone ~ not alone here…

Cos that's what best mates are for.