Somebody said to me just... "Why am I telling you all this.. All these plans that I have in my head and the things that I have been thinking about?" And I didn't have anything to say in reply. And I think I know why...
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I have not written anything in the last few days. Partly because I have been busy with my kids, catching up with them and all. There's something priceless about lying in bed at 4 in the afternoon on a Saturday and facing your kid and talking. Just talking.
Partly also because work has been crazy. And the pile has not grown smaller. Like I've said before - I think there are gnomes in the office who crept up when the lights go out and replenish your in-tray to keep it at par level.
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I filled in for a colleague the other day. Went full on, leading my own services and hers, which I might add, in one in deep merde. And yet again, the base illness of "finger-pointing" that plagues most organisations and teams, happened in ours. WTF?! Missed a meal tray? Fucking get cracking on cooking then!
Stood next to the Boss-man thru it all and watched him physically turn red, as red as the shirt he was wearing (and the Boss-man has been sporting some pretty vivid coloured shirts off-late). Told him as much and his reply ~ You would be too if you were in my shoes! Dude - I feel for ya. Truly I do. Cos even though it's your company, it has been my baby too. And to think that 6 months down the line, baby still hasn't learnt how to say "goo-goo-gaa-gaa", I'm pissing in my pants too!
I have also been interviewing people for my job. Yes - weird sounding I know, but then again, my Boss trusts my bloodhound instincts. As he said before - when Barbara smells blood, she goes for the kill. We have not hired anyone from there as yet. Maybe it's cos I have not been going for the kill. Hey - even bloodhounds have something called "honour" - we do not attack those who are already weak in their own rights.
I have been asking tho in the process: Who do I benchmark them against? The expectations of the job description? My boss's expectations? Or my expectations of what this role entails? I have been asking my friends. And they have all told me this: Never benchmark against my own expectations. Cos 30th June will then come and go without me having a replacement.
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I went and stocked up on my library the other day. Bought some books that I would normally pinch off Sen but never buy myself. But hey – what’s life if we do not live dangerously once in a while on the words of some funny people. Needless to say, 4 books purchased and I am down to my last one. A book called “Soul Mountain” bought for two reasons: 1) The book is set in China and I think I’m hoping to relocate my roots before I lose them all completely, and 2) The title of the book.
I’m hoping to be able to indulge in my resolution of 5 new books a month. Maybe give up smoking some and eating some. But hey – reading brings me joy and widens my perspective. Plus now that I have a new book buddy, who has nicely embrace all 6 books that I had picked out for him (wowzers!), I think the book club has been reinstated. Except for Bear and the book with too much veges in them.
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It's also been a quiet few days. I guess the quiet gave me time to recalibrate my thoughts, get my bearings right. Kinda mentally prepare myself for life as it is. And here's a funny thing that I have come to realize: One you pick someone to be YOUR PERSON, no matter what happens, the changes that takes place in both your lives, THAT person, remains YOUR PERSON. Nothing becomes real until it's said outloud to YOUR PERSON. And that happened over the weekend, over a cigarette smoked in my parents' garden.
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I have been giving quite a lot of excuses, reasons, etc as to why things do not change. HAVE NOT change. But the only one that is true is the one I shared on Sunday. There just isn't enough time and time is way to precious right now to be spent on other things.
I have always wondered how other people did it. The jet-setters, the corporate leaders, the head hunchos. And I realise now the amount of acknowledgement and acceptance that goes into it. Once you get there, life is actually not all that bad. Cos you're okay with the fact that to win some, you gotta give some.
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And so it’s a brand new week. There’s loads of work to be done, reviews to look into, milestones to reach. And there’d probably be some great amount of stale air hidden in there as well.
But you know what, I think I’m gonna be alright with that. Cos sometimes, you don’t need to see something to believe in it. You don’t need to hold something in your hand to know it’s there. Sometimes, you just know it, and you go with the flow, trust in it. And if you believe that you “don’t have to”, it’ll be alright.
To quote somebody, “It’s looking to be the start of a magical week.” Someday you think that I'm might kill ya, but you know what - it's alright cos at least you think that if I did, you've died and gone to heaven.
And that is winning some.
