Invisible Text

If only someone could invent some form of contraption or microchip that could project words or sayings that serves as a reminder....

If that be true, mine would have to say:

You are free to choose,

But the choices you make today

Will determine what you will

Have, Be and Do

In the tomorrows of your life

Bad Ju Ju

There's a saying from my fave show - Grey's Anatomy - BadJuJu happens in 7s and that Hot Chocolate helps ward it off.

I'm not one for Hot Chocolate but anyways, here's hoping this equivalent of it would help cos I really think I am ready to buckle!

The one day I actually am able to wake up at 6.45 am when the alarm goes off is also the same day that I find I have locked my car keys in the car. With.The.Spare.

Seriously!

Yes - it can only happen to me, as my locksmith said when he came round.

BJJ BE GONE! And if it doesn't, someone please put me to sleep till September ends!

A Fleeting Flight

We got some good news today: Grandma manage to sit in the wheelchair for about 30 minutes, after some coaxing. 

If there is one thing that I am not very good at, it would be death. Or rather, accepting that someone is going to leave soon. How soon? That's the other shoe waiting to drop.

Why I'm talking about such joy of my grandma getting up to sit, and my adversity to death? It's cos it's the inevitable. I'm not being morbib as the Bear says I am, but I'm being realistic. She is afterall in her 90s already. And even then, as I have just learnt, even the young can leave us without a word.

"I'm telling you all these cos I want you to be prepared in case you get that call any time of the day," someone said to me. Someone who understands when I say "I jump each time the phone rings and the HOME ring tone comes on." 

I have said my goodbyes to Grandma - a bit pre-emtive, but at least that's done. There were much I did not get to tell my grandpa while he was still around, and for a long while, I had imaginery conversations with him, even though we were not all that close.

So while it is great news that Grandma is on the mend, as with all things in life, someday we will get some not great news.

And when that day comes, I can only pray that I have strength enough for the family to pull it thru.

The Reply

The church I attend observed World Marriage Day yesterday. An unusually long service, it was a bit of an eye openner, especially when all the married couples were asked to stand and renew their vows. People of all age, colour and sizes stood up to hold their partner's right hand and say "I Do" in turn. Some laughed. Some where oblivious and needed a poke or two in the rib. And then there were those, mostly grey-haired and wrinkly, looking absolutely solemn and very much in the moment.

And I wondered - how do they get there?

We always hear of people saying that keeping a relationship alive is hardwork. And those grey-haired and wrinkly, didn't get there by pure luck. And it takes both parties to work hard to make it work: I should know. I have worked my butt off on two occassions and still live in my windy pigeon hole in the sky by my self. 

And thus I wondered - is there then such a thing as meeting your IDEAL MATCH?

While at my age, and having been-there-and-done-all-that, I should be able to list clear as crystal what I look for in my ideal man. But I couldn't. All I could do was list the traits and qualities I got burnt by and did not want.

Sure, a lot of people think that I need a man so that coming home won't be that awful a feeling anymore. Plus that Lydia and Luke should have a father figure around. And of course, being part of a two-income family would be easier on me. But having been in situations where the above did exist and yet I still felt alone, I can safely say what I need may not be what I want.

At the end of the day, if I had to pick someone for one reason and one reason only it would be because that person understands me to the depth of my soul. My fears, my insecurities, my ambitions, my hopes, my dreams - he would know without me even saying a word, and he would seek to calm, quiet, fuel and nurture them in his own fashion: doing it without me realising until I have broken down my brick walls. 

And in turn, I would be the same to him - his santuary, his serenity, his motivator and his guide. Filling in gaps of his life that no one else has been able to fill. Making him see a different perspective to his convictions, and accepting them as his own.

It's a lot of hardwork, I have to admit. A lot of time spent pondering, deciphering, understanding, arguing, reconciling, accepting and trusting. But it's all about complimenting the other, not changing the other. And I suppose if and when I do find that person who is all that to me, and who I am all that to him - it really wouldn't matter very much to me if we're not one of those old foggies who would stand up in church years from today. 

I would be happy to grow old with that person in any fashion, cos everything else would be just a piece of paper.

Under the Influence

It's been a quiet weekend, which left me a lot of time to think about certain questions that were thrown my way over the course of the week.

Sometimes I do wonder if what they say is true: that when one's guards are down, thoughts just come spewing out no-holds-barred. And how exactly does one lower one's guards?

Anyways, coming back - a lot of questions to ponder over. Yet each time I try to focus on one of them, my thoughts runaway from me. Leaving me back at square one - without an answer.

I suppose one fine day, it'll come to me. It's not coming just yet cos I'm still trying to wrap my head around them. And frankly, some of them I would rather not ever have to deal with. *touch-wood* And quite possibly, it's also cos they in turn have spun off questions of their own, such as "You spend quite a bit of time thinking don't you?"

*Sigh* It takes a certain kinda crazy to entertain such craziness.

In the Quiet Calm

heav⋅en ~ noun

1. The abode of God, the angels, and the spirits of the righteous after death; the place or state of existence of the blessed after the mortal life.
2. A place or state of supreme happiness

As a Christian, from a staunch Catholic family, I naturally believe that Heaven exists ~ It is the ultimate place to end up at. But through our Christian studies, we are also taught that it's not a direct-go-to, that there is a transitionary place that we have to go to first. And that only the very best of those who lived gets a direct-go-to.

Heaven. Hell. Limbo. 

All through life, I have never really sat down and pondered on what Heaven is like. Some say that it has roads paved in gold. Some say that it is where you are restored to the point in time of your life where you were happiest. Some say that your loved ones awaits at the gate to welcome you.

No-one even knows where we're going. 

I have had an experience in today that I really never thought I would have. Not because I didn't think I deserved it, but it's just one of those things that never came up before. And now that it did... like I said in my earlier posting - it's so surreal, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

Or what's waiting for us when we get there. 

It's one of those times in life when you feel as if you know someone inside out, yet not know them at all. What do you do with that? How can you feel your way out of this dark hole when the light at the end of the tunnel keeps shifting? When what your gut says defies all logic, experience, sensibilities and counsel?

Someone said my writing was too creative to be understood. That person was mistaken. It's not creative. It's just way too abstract. Trying to say everything but nothing at all. Cos that's how it is sometimes... you feel like you're having this big thing you wanna shout from the top of the mountain, but that which no one else would understand. Even now, I have my moments of going "WTF?!" Yet, I understand.

One of my fave questions to the LegalBeagle is "Why is Life so difficult?!" and his usual answer to me would be "It's not. It's you who make your own life difficult." And I see the truth in that now. Just as the Bear says "There's always a choice Barbsie." And of course, in making any choices, you accept the consequences and roll with it.

There's never any certainty with this thing we call LIFE. Just as there's no guarantee that if one lives one's life by the Holy Bible, you're certain to go to Heaven. And while certainty may be what I want, wish, hope for - my choice does not allow for it.

All it does allow for now is that my world is right yet again, in a way that for now, no one else can balance it to the T like this one person does. And if I am deemed the fool for being bestest against, then so be it.

But the one thing we can say, with absolute certainty, 

is that there are moments that take us to another place. 

Moments of Heaven on Earth. 

In the last week, and life for the past few years, I have had glimpse of what Hell is. And tried as hard as I may, I have never been able to see what Heaven could be.

I would say today, I had a glimpse of what heaven is.

And maybe for now, that's all we need to know.

Slap Me Silly

sur⋅re⋅al ~ adjective 

1. of, pertaining to, or characteristic of surrealism; surrealistic.
   
2. having the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic
   

There are so many facts for me to wrap my head around with today that I don't even know where to begin!

It's one of them pinch yourself just to hear you go "ouch" and slap yourself in the face to feel the pain and know you're conscious kinda day.

You'd really have to be in my shoes to know what I'm going about cos mere words and no amount of creative writing would do it justice.