Fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

One of my boss’s favourite question is “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” It could be anything under the sun, doesn’t really matter. But what it does indicate is that you have a goal that you want to work towards.

It irritates me when these candidates goes “I want to be somebody” but cannot exactly tell you who. Those who try would end up quantifying it by saying that “somebody” would be one with an office, a department to run and staff to manage.

And as I was having my shower just, it occurred to me that in one aspect of my life, I am just like these blubbering fools that I abhor.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I spent the whole day alone today. And I think it was needed, necessary even. So that the mind calms down and I am in a position to think clearly where I have been going wrong, why am I on a downward spiral, when I didn’t have to be.

And this is what I have come to. I know a lot of things. But I do not know what I want for myself, my own happiness. And because I am one who does not know how to say “I don’t know”, it’s been nothing but an illusion that I have been chasing.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

There is this place that none of us want to be in. This state of mind, which is to be alone. And when we’re unwittingly there, we do all sorts of things to get out. Clutching at straws even when it is not what we know we want.

And that’s when we become the blubbering idiot from the interviews we hate and swear never to go through again. We become fixated on translating the picture of a home, a person there to sit on the couch and watch tv with, the garden with the sun shining through into what we want.

When in actual fact, we should be focusing on defining the person we envisage in the picture and our emotions that we want to feel when we get there.

Tears stream down your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes

As I look back on the week past, I hang my head in disappointment for all the things that I have done, just because I do not know what I want. If I had more guts, I would stand in front of the mirror and call myself all sorts of names just so my friends do not have to do it.

The sad thing is this – I’ve been here before. I have been at this point in life before. Only this time, I severely crossed the line with the 3 things I resolved to do mid-week.

But I have faith. Cos this time, even though it has not made me feel better about myself, I am not deluding myself into thinking I am feeling better. Nor am I lulling myself into a state of recluse by saying I am feeling much worse.

Maybe the bit that Amanda neglected to add on when she tells me I need the time alone, is this “that over time it would help me think clearly on what I want” so that I don’t go into my MO of “receive-reject”.

And so for now… I am alright with not knowing what I want. Nor will I strive to find out what is it that I want. For now… I think I should live life as it comes, giving life the time it needs to show me what I want.

For at the end of the day, the opposite of “what I don’t want” does not equate to it being what I want. And I should stop thinking it does.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Committing to memory

A random person told me recently that "life is not all about work. That if it was, then there would be no need for the living, that we might as well all be robots."

As I sit and write this, it may be a coincidence that I have Rod Stewart singing "For the first time" on my stereo with their added on speakers. This was the song that the children's father used to sing for me. And for once.. I am able to smile at that memory, without any of the anger or vindictiveness that lingered.

I have to commit this moment to memory. This very sober moment. Yups - no alcohol at all, even though the glass has been poured out since 3 pm.

Life is not like work.. a schedule of deadlines and goals to meet. It's what we create on a day to day basis that makes it LIFE. And there's no recipe for it. No manuals. No courses or degrees to take.

I have to stop making it to be like work. There is no checksheet, nor Standard Operating Procedures that I have to follow.

I had wanted to close this with the line "I can do this. I seriously CAN do this!" but that would be saying that I am living with a set of rules and a timeline.

So instead.. I'll close with the thought that... over time.. I will be able to live life not as a procedure, but as life is.

Damaged

I breezed into work at half past 9 this morning. Yeah, I know. Amazing isn’t it, considering I have been in every day for the last couple of months by 7.

I had yet another meaning conversation with my boss over lunch that lasted an hour, and yes that man wants me to do the dirty for him. The drilling and the grilling. Apparently, when I smell blood, I go for it and he wants to see more of that.

My best friend rang me up at 6.30 pm to check up on me. Just to make sure that I was in my car, on my way out of the office and head on home to sleep.

I also sailed thru the day – nothing could ruffle my feathers. I was in absolute control, even in the most trying of situations. I was in my elements as they would say and was the perfect Retail Manager in the whole city for the day.

But at the end of a perfect day like today, I cannot help but wonder where did I learn to build up this bank of fakeness and the ability to dish it out like the day’s special when inside I am feeling like the worst roadkill on the highway.

In a span of 10 days, I have pushed 2 very important people out of my life. Just like that. One probably couldn’t care less, but another, well… I could lie about it and say I don’t give two-hoots of the other. But I do know that by putting the cart before the horse, I have probably hurt one of the people closest to me considerably.

I embark on a path of destructive actions. Doing things I should not be doing. Telling myself and everyone else who have asked, that it’s time I live life dangerously. Just so those who know me for who I really am would turn their backs and say they do not know me at all.

The tarrot card reading for me today says this:

The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can't do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering -- no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.

Life is pitiful when one takes a step back and looks at it from the point that it really ought to be seen.

Hate me. Please – just bloody hate me. It would make me feel so much better. Cos right now, I just need some unity in this self-loathing on why I cannot trust myself nor the world.

And as a result of that, people get the raw end of my deal, when they should not.... they really should not.

Listen

I've been silent. Cos I have been pretty good at keeping my head intact and such.But when all Barb's hell breaks lose, it ain't a pretty sight.And that is why I do the things I do and I stay away from the people that actually do care. Cos if there is one thing is life I have not learnt to do, it would be how to get on with life without the concept of "reckless self endangerment".

I know I should be far more responsible than this. But sometimes, one just cannot find the reason to be. No matter what they say - sometimes, you just can't.

I don't think the ME that is going to be, is the one you knew and found right to be called someone you know. THIS IS the beginning of the end as we know it.

Listen to the rustle of the leaves in the wind.. listen to what they are saying on behalf of this girl. It's time for another season to change.

Goodbye life as it was.. it was fun being among the living for a spell.

Resolve

This is a list of things that Adam and I have decided I should do tonight. Or rather, within the week:

1. Get absolutely plastered - nothing like alcohol to dull the mind
2. Smoke some weed - apparently it makes everything comes alive!
3. Go out and land a shag - doesn't matter who. Just as Mandy says - just don't give my phone number

And after I'm done with Step 3, I am to repeat Steps 1 to 3 again. Over and over and over.

Until..

And if that doesn't answer your question - I have serious doubt about your intellect.

Hilarious

This was so funny.. I just had to put it over at my blog... My dating personality according to OkCupid:

Sweet. Dear. Loving. At Gate 18. Final call. You are The Sudden Departure.

You've been in a lot of serious relationships. More than a few have ended ugly. Uglily. Whatever. Our guess is that you're a really fantastic girl who doesn't really know what she wants, and you've broken a few hearts as a result. You fall for people easily, and you enjoy the feeling of falling in love, but once you're there, either boredom or the old "grass is greener" syndrome sets in. The mind wanders, and with it goes the flesh. And then the toiletries.

We know you're not the classic "love 'em and leave 'em" type, at least not in a purely sexual sense. You have too many serious bonding tendencies for that. But even though you're theoretically looking to settle down, you don't settle long on one person. "Serial monogamist" is probably something you hear a lot. "Emotionally loose" is another way to put it. To the poor guys eating your dust and sniffing your panties, it doesn't really make much difference. Of course, it's not really your fault that people get hurt. You have every right to move on when you choose.

Tell me - didn't you find that funny as well?

Licking the bottom..

Here are a list of things that I have engraved to memory the last 48 hours:

1) Valium and alcohol do not work - trust me on this one... something about the alcohol stopping your bloodstream from absorbing the sleeping drug.

2) People will always let you down no matter what - and the lesson behind this one is - how far you are let down lies in your own hands, not theirs.

3) When you are on the way down, you just need to hit rock-bottom.

4) It's okay to have only 6 days in a week - some days are just not worth committing to memory.

5) Real friends are those who would walk 1km in stilettoes and pay for their own latte.

6) Nothing beats talking to someone who is busy as hell but still sets time aside for you.

So yes. I've been to hell and back. It was not something I had expected to happen to me, but it did. And well, as it was said by the Bear - I've licked the bottom of the devil's barrel - and survived.

I'm whipping out the compas and the map... time to chart my own course.

Afterall, if I don't start listening to Mandy soon, she's bound to wanna kick my ass in those heels too!

Thanks you two.. for holding my hair from my face one stormy night, even from afar.