Fix you

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

One of my boss’s favourite question is “Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?” It could be anything under the sun, doesn’t really matter. But what it does indicate is that you have a goal that you want to work towards.

It irritates me when these candidates goes “I want to be somebody” but cannot exactly tell you who. Those who try would end up quantifying it by saying that “somebody” would be one with an office, a department to run and staff to manage.

And as I was having my shower just, it occurred to me that in one aspect of my life, I am just like these blubbering fools that I abhor.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

I spent the whole day alone today. And I think it was needed, necessary even. So that the mind calms down and I am in a position to think clearly where I have been going wrong, why am I on a downward spiral, when I didn’t have to be.

And this is what I have come to. I know a lot of things. But I do not know what I want for myself, my own happiness. And because I am one who does not know how to say “I don’t know”, it’s been nothing but an illusion that I have been chasing.

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

There is this place that none of us want to be in. This state of mind, which is to be alone. And when we’re unwittingly there, we do all sorts of things to get out. Clutching at straws even when it is not what we know we want.

And that’s when we become the blubbering idiot from the interviews we hate and swear never to go through again. We become fixated on translating the picture of a home, a person there to sit on the couch and watch tv with, the garden with the sun shining through into what we want.

When in actual fact, we should be focusing on defining the person we envisage in the picture and our emotions that we want to feel when we get there.

Tears stream down your face
I promise you
I will learn from my mistakes

As I look back on the week past, I hang my head in disappointment for all the things that I have done, just because I do not know what I want. If I had more guts, I would stand in front of the mirror and call myself all sorts of names just so my friends do not have to do it.

The sad thing is this – I’ve been here before. I have been at this point in life before. Only this time, I severely crossed the line with the 3 things I resolved to do mid-week.

But I have faith. Cos this time, even though it has not made me feel better about myself, I am not deluding myself into thinking I am feeling better. Nor am I lulling myself into a state of recluse by saying I am feeling much worse.

Maybe the bit that Amanda neglected to add on when she tells me I need the time alone, is this “that over time it would help me think clearly on what I want” so that I don’t go into my MO of “receive-reject”.

And so for now… I am alright with not knowing what I want. Nor will I strive to find out what is it that I want. For now… I think I should live life as it comes, giving life the time it needs to show me what I want.

For at the end of the day, the opposite of “what I don’t want” does not equate to it being what I want. And I should stop thinking it does.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you