I breezed into work at half past 9 this morning. Yeah, I know. Amazing isn’t it, considering I have been in every day for the last couple of months by 7.
I had yet another meaning conversation with my boss over lunch that lasted an hour, and yes that man wants me to do the dirty for him. The drilling and the grilling. Apparently, when I smell blood, I go for it and he wants to see more of that.
My best friend rang me up at 6.30 pm to check up on me. Just to make sure that I was in my car, on my way out of the office and head on home to sleep.
I also sailed thru the day – nothing could ruffle my feathers. I was in absolute control, even in the most trying of situations. I was in my elements as they would say and was the perfect Retail Manager in the whole city for the day.
But at the end of a perfect day like today, I cannot help but wonder where did I learn to build up this bank of fakeness and the ability to dish it out like the day’s special when inside I am feeling like the worst roadkill on the highway.
In a span of 10 days, I have pushed 2 very important people out of my life. Just like that. One probably couldn’t care less, but another, well… I could lie about it and say I don’t give two-hoots of the other. But I do know that by putting the cart before the horse, I have probably hurt one of the people closest to me considerably.
I embark on a path of destructive actions. Doing things I should not be doing. Telling myself and everyone else who have asked, that it’s time I live life dangerously. Just so those who know me for who I really am would turn their backs and say they do not know me at all.
I had yet another meaning conversation with my boss over lunch that lasted an hour, and yes that man wants me to do the dirty for him. The drilling and the grilling. Apparently, when I smell blood, I go for it and he wants to see more of that.
My best friend rang me up at 6.30 pm to check up on me. Just to make sure that I was in my car, on my way out of the office and head on home to sleep.
I also sailed thru the day – nothing could ruffle my feathers. I was in absolute control, even in the most trying of situations. I was in my elements as they would say and was the perfect Retail Manager in the whole city for the day.
But at the end of a perfect day like today, I cannot help but wonder where did I learn to build up this bank of fakeness and the ability to dish it out like the day’s special when inside I am feeling like the worst roadkill on the highway.
In a span of 10 days, I have pushed 2 very important people out of my life. Just like that. One probably couldn’t care less, but another, well… I could lie about it and say I don’t give two-hoots of the other. But I do know that by putting the cart before the horse, I have probably hurt one of the people closest to me considerably.
I embark on a path of destructive actions. Doing things I should not be doing. Telling myself and everyone else who have asked, that it’s time I live life dangerously. Just so those who know me for who I really am would turn their backs and say they do not know me at all.
The tarrot card reading for me today says this:
The Nine of Swords card suggests that my power today lies in realization. I am not my mistakes. I can't do this alone or pretend any more. The illusion of comfort in denial or sacrifice is no longer mine. There is no shame in my suffering -- no healing in silent self-torment. It is here at the surreal crossroads of the "soul search" where dawning truth meets the anguish of overwhelming resistance in mind over matter that I can finally wake up, change my mind, let go of what no longer works or own my losses or choices. I am empowered by intense acknowledgment or epiphany and my virtue is gratitude or relief in recognition.
Life is pitiful when one takes a step back and looks at it from the point that it really ought to be seen.
Hate me. Please – just bloody hate me. It would make me feel so much better. Cos right now, I just need some unity in this self-loathing on why I cannot trust myself nor the world.
And as a result of that, people get the raw end of my deal, when they should not.... they really should not.
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