In Hidden Places

I had a bit of a tough time deciding what to do for dinner. I have a freezer full of food, but yet, the thought of coming home, fixing a plate and plunking in front of the telly did not appeal. Not today.

In that space of time, whilst driving from out from church, deciding which roads to take, I thought of all the people who, like me, were deciding what to do for dinner. To say that it comforted me - knowing I was only one soul amongst millions, it did not. To say that it sadden me - knowing that I do not have anyone to ask "What shall we do tonight?", it did not.

Not too long ago, each time the kids went away, I would fill my days with endless activities - just so I didn't have to do these things by myself. Not too long ago, each time my then-circle of friends had their own plans, I would go without food. Not too long ago, come Friday nights, I would ring up people I do not normally speak to, to ask "What's going down tonight?"

I am not thinking too much. I am thinking with a purpose - an intent to spring clean and clear out well and good, the thoughts that should be thought of. Some of them are pretty as peach, but most are nothing but rotten potatoes. I am seeking wisdom and guidance in all the places and things that are around me. I have to sort out the good from the bad, the worth remembering from the devil's advocates.

And I came across this that said: This will pass. But it is not in the main posting itself that I found some ounce of wisdom worth remembering, but in one of the comments were it says: My love, you must always remember, that everything in this World, good or bad, has an end.

I have never known reconciliation with the word "end", the finality of it all. Maybe I should - make peace with this lil word. For that which ENDS, it will have a this that will BEGIN.

Author's Note:

If you have not read any of Paulo Coelho's books, and you're floundering in life like I am, maybe you should pick up a copy. And my hope for you tonight, is that you will find words and phrases so often said to, and heard of, shining thru in a fashion that makes sense, bringing peace and depth of understanding.

34 and counting

My parents celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary yesterday. Imagine that - 34 years!

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the sun does not appear
I will be here

I suppose it is something I often take for granted. Simply cos I do not really come from a circle of family friends their generation, where things don't work out. Even if it has broken down, they persist with it, till time naturally runs out.

If in the dark we lose sight of love
Hold my hand and have no fear
'Cause I will be here

I sometimes sit and compare my parents' generation with my own. How much more tenacity they seem to have. And how the word "vow" has the meaning to which it has been assigned.

Tomorrow mornin' if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I'll be here

Sure, my folks have their fights. Some days, my brother would ring me up and go "Dad's at his wits end on this cold war that Mum has started." Some days, my mum would be wiping down the dining table and going "Your F.A.T.H.E.R!"

Just as sure as seasons are made for change
Our lifetimes are made for years
I will be here

Life has not been easy for my folks. And I wonder, if they were of my generation, I seriously do not think they would still be together, after all the crap that they have gone thru.

I will be true to the promise I have made
To you and to the One who gave you to me

I will be here

A lot of people have been wondering the value, purpose and meaning of LIFE. Must be all that Oprah that goes on. And more often than nought, we hear that "all the successes in the world would be worthless, unless you had someone to share it with." And I ask myself - is marriage really a pillar, against which we should benchmark our success in life, and living? And how does that affect your success indicators, if it doesn't work out?

I will be here... When you feel like bein' quiet
When you need to speak your mind ~ I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to cryin
'Through the winnin' and losin' and tryin'
We'll be together cause I will be here

I am at this point in my life, where I am only just starting to understand what it means to 'love myself'. And looking back, the longest relationship I have ever had, lasted as long as it did, simply because we were too far apart for it to crumble. I do wonder, if I would be as blessed as my parents, to be surrounded by grandkids, in-laws, to be celerating even a 10th wedding anniversary at any point in the future. Right now, it's one of those things that fall into the 'unforseeable future' category.

I will be here....You can cry on my shoulder
When the mirror tells us we're older, I will hold you
I will be here ... To watch you grow in beauty
And tell you all the things you are to me
I will be here

If there is one thing that I have learnt, watching and living with the two grown-ups that I can my parents, it would be that marriage is something you've gotta keep working at. But no matter how bad, or how long a spell of a patch is, it is never worth the sacrifice of giving up the many blissful, ordinary days just for the pain to be over and done with for the moment. Cos living a lifetime without - it's just unimaginable.

The White Elephant in the Room

There are two key things you need to know about me, if you are to continue reading the Shooter, and understand anything of it; of me.

I do not want my mind / thoughts to spiral out of control each time I hit a brick wall.

I have been walking around for years, feeling ashamed. Ashamed of my own stupidity 8 years ago.

If anyone were to ask me, what I consider the stupidest thing I have ever done in my entire life, I would tell them, it was for not asking the right questions at the right time. For being so naïve as to believe that everyone in the world was as pure of heart as I was.

I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore.

I have been able to brush off the question of “How did you end up with two kids by the same chap and not be married?” Easy! He was already married to begin with. I do not consider myself a home-wrecker. Sure, I was the ONE that his ex found out about. But in all honesty, I was just that – the one he got found out with.

I did not see it coming. Truly! All my friends asked me over and over again – "Are you sure?" And it didn’t occur to my educated head to ask the king source himself. I don’t know. And when I did find out, it was a bit too late as Lydia was already on the way.

I want my children to know that despite not having a normal family, their lives can still be normal.

Sure, we could have made it work. We sure were trying our guts out to. How could you not when you share a child between the both of you? Days were long and hard – two adults and a child surviving on my salary. That’s how I know how far a couple of thousands can stretch in a month.

They always say, you learn from your mistakes. And I was so determined to this time round that I consistently asked. Asked to the point it wore him out. And when someone who didn’t make life that eventful or tedious came along, he took the easy way out. *Cue the drum roll* AGAIN, I did not see it coming. How could you, when you have your son on the way?

For the last 6 years, “asking” has been for me a damn if you do, and damn if you don’t situation. Maybe people mistake it as me being 'restful'. And the toil it has taken on me to be this restful – only a handful know. For because I cannot vocalize my thoughts, my curiosity, my gut feel – I go on a self-induced spiral of “What-ifs” scenarios that ends in the only outcome I know: me failing.

There will always be things beyond my control and IT IS NOT MY FAULT.

Last week, when I dipped, I didn’t think of popping the entire bag of valium on the dining table (yes, I am fast achieving Charlie’s dining habits!), nor did I wonder how many times I would need to throw myself off the balcony before I could no longer get up. But here’s the scary thing – I sat on my balcony, with a lit fag in my hand, and watched it go towards the billowing balcony sheer curtains, wondering how long I had to hold it there before it catches fire.

They say, you always treat the disease and not the symptoms. I guess we’ve all been going about it the wrong way – pining the blame at the doors of people with names. When at the heart of it, it was my name and my shame.

No one can control my life’s direction except MY OWN SELF

They asked, 'Why are you always your biggest critic?” So here you have it folks – the answer. Cos I let MY OWN SELF down.

I am not going to wake up tomorrow arriving at that ‘point’ – the point where we all wanna be at. It takes time. I acknowledge that now.

I AM UNIQUE.

I have 3 pieces of blank big square paper stuck on the wall on my dining room (and don’t worry – I used blue-tack since I’m moving soon). Two of them are filled with post-it notes in all sorts of colours. One of them has a header but is blank.

I will not doubt myself – my abilities, my judgment, my decisions.

It doesn’t have to be blank. But I have left it blank. I cannot complete that last one. I can try and I have tried. But at the end of the day, what I have tried to do was based on my assumptions. And on this sheet – assumptions are not going to fly. And I am going to say as much. For while I feel like my assumptions did not fall too far from the tree, I cannot say I am 100% sure.

I will not fear the future and happiness.

And I am not going to go by the fly of the seat of my pants anymore. Nor do I want to live in doubt or play multiple-choice questions. It is not my responsibility to fill in the answers. But it is my responsibility to ask the questions.

The brick walls are there to stop the
people who don’t want it badly enough.
They are there to stop the other people.

Randy Pausch

I will believe that I too deserve to have a joyful and meaningful life.

Photo Shot

Today, while I was in my car, enroute to church, I had stopped in front of a yellow box, behind a long line of cars. All about me were grumpy looking people, trying to inch their way out the traffic mess that has ensued after the brief rain (Yes - when it rains, we forget how to drive right!). But to my left, was an African young couple (college-looking), trying to have their lovey-dovey picture taken ~ together ~in front of the water feature of the condo complex. I watched the image thru the display screen which was facing me, and I knew it was gonna be horribly awful ~ the girl was much shorter and the guy was the one holding the camera.

I watched as the lights turn green and readied to move. And when traffic lost their senses again, I decided - screw it and put my passenger window down and called out to them. I told the guy - I could help you do it again, if you want by prompting you where to move. And so, in the midst of all the grumpiness - we did it and the picture was one that put a smile on his girl's face - at least there's all of her in it now.

I didn't do very much except shout "A bit lower!" and "To the left, to the left - NO! MY left!" But, many years from now, they might come across this picture and remember how hard they tried to get it right. And perhaps, they might remember the weird girl in a wee WiNK mobile who had put down her window and shouted directions.

That's what living is all about isn't it? Finding opportunities to create simple pleasures that might eventually bring much joy.

And so, while I may have missed out on a few hundred buckeroos by not buying my lotto numbers - It has been a great day, nonetheless!

All About Shoes

I went out tonight. With a guy friend and 3 of his friends. To sit and watch them play pool in a fancy joint as I sipped my Diet Coke.

During the course of the night, 2 of the chappies had a conversation in Cantonese, wondering where the "chics" were. One of them pointed to me in the corner, and the other replied "She doesn't count." At this point, I couldn't help myself but burst out laughing and asking in English, "Pray tell why I am discounted."

Apparently according to my friend, if I had on a skirt and a pair of sling backs, I would definitely have qualified. And the funny thing was - as I got dressed in my torned jeans, and a simple top, I made a conscious choice to put on my Crocs (with its Leprechaun, Mickey Mouse Hand and Brother Bear Paw jibbetz) instead of my heels.

I have been pondering on a lot of things today. And had a long honest chat with one of my old friends by phone. And as I brushed my teeth just, I looked at myself in the mirror and the face looking back at me - it wasn't all too bad, afterall.

I think I am finally at that point in life where I don't need to put on a short skirt, a slinky top and a come-hither pair of heels to have a good time out. As the night wound down and we downed out 'teh tariks', these guys were my friends, and that's all well and good by me. This doesn't mean that I would allow myself to degenerate to the point of being an 'Ah Soh'. But at the end of the day, I am who I am, and it really shouldn't matter very much what I had on the 1st time or everytime you see me.

So while it may be all about them shoes - this girl is saying "I'll put on them shoes when I feel like putting on them shoes."

From Others

A long time ago, I met this copy-writer from one of the international agencies. Over drinks, as he learnt that I blogged, he called me a "whiner" and that my blog writing was my silent call for help.

I wouldn't exactly disagree with him. But these days, I'd like to think that it is my connecting point to the world out there ~ if someone chances across my blog, and can relate to something that I've written - I would have somehow made that person feel less alone.

I am staring at a weekend ahead alone. A lost weekend without my kids. My friend asked me this morning what would I be doing and I gave him a long list of things. But I'm pretty sure none of it would work out cos everyone in my social circle have become accustomed to leaving me alone on weekends with my kids. I am not looking forward to the weekend in all honesty.

I know we don't have to be surrounded by people to feel less lonely. But the bottom line is: people need people, no matter how independent you place yourself to be. The feeling that someone out there can connect with you, despite everything else - it is unbelievable.

And if my blog can accomplish that, much like the way the blogs I read accomplishes with me:

then I suppose, life wouldn't be all that bad.

Thanks Paul - for the inspiring and ponderous posting this morning!

Six Words

I was scouring Amazon.com for books to buy yesterday and I came across this one book that was a collection of statements made with 6 words. No more. No less.

It has been a topsy-turvey last 24 hours. And I am fighting the urge to go to where it all began. When curiosity found the cat, killed it and hung it by the tail to the fan, without even asking if it was the right cat.

I.Don't.Want.To.Go.There

Many, many moons ago, over a cuppa Joe, someone told me - a poet needs the pain. I did not think then that it would be something that I might possibly turn into my mantra for my art of living. But looking at the events of today, I think I subsciously already have.

Despair. Pain. Remember. Pain. Forget. Pain.

It is a wee funny thing how nobody I spoke to was directly on my side. Them who listened, listened and loved. In the best way they could when I am in that place. Somedays I truly think I need some happy-pill help. But then I sit back when the dust has settled, and the voices of them who love ring in my head, and it's basically that ain't it - it's all in my head. From start to finish.

Think. Right. Wrong. Lies. Truth. Ponder.

Why can't we make our own luck? Afterall, the future lies in our own hands, doesn't it? We always have a choice - to do or not to do, to speak or not to speak, to hate or not to hate, to believe or not to believe, to hope or not to hope. The last statement that was on my mind before I drifted off into euphoria-land was this: SOMEONE needs to have some hope when it comes to dealing with you. Am I always that hopeless?

Believe. Change. Try. Try Again. Harder.

I think at the end of the day, Whites said it best: Do nothing or do something. You can sit there by yourself and let all this happen to you. And no one would have been the wiser. And it is so true cos there is no way to bring up today's events without spilling the beans.

Smoke. Drink. Weep. Rage. Sleep. Silence.

I don't like being in this place. It makes me feel sick. Diseased. Less than what I am. And I don't like to swing from one end to the other either. It makes me give up control and I hate that. I can't say I do not know where to begin, for I do. But at the same time, I cannot say I am ready to begin. But I want to.

There's only so much we can help,
and so much we can hurt.
Forgive yourself.

Find. Communicate. Evaluate. Release. Go On.