Messy Beds

I look forward to walking towards St James' Gate and watching your face light up as the Guinness sign looms as we turn round the corner to the left.

I look forward to you stopping in the mid-step as you realise the cobblestones that you're walking on in the Campanile dates over 400 years.

I look forward to you having your first taste of black pudding (My money's on you liking me and me having to learn how to make it!).

I look forward to hearing Bon Jovi play all our favourite songs, not more than 500 metres away from where we stand as dusk falls over the London skies.

I look forward to heading out to La Boqueira to grab the freshly baked bread and some meats for breakfast when you wake up.

I look forward to climbing the hills of Montserrat, with you right behind me panting for your dear life.

3 years ago, if you had asked me if any of these things featured in my near or even distant future, I would have told you a definite and resounding NO. Yet, here we are. 3 years on. Wondering where did the time go and planning for the times to come.

For that, you get the right to mess up each and every single bed that will cross our paths.

Along came a ....

I have never been a firm believer of a great number of things:

1) Owning assets - For a person (no need to put names now!) who is always on the ready to up-and-run-for-the-door, 'asset' is one big scary word. My philosophy towards renting accommodations is this: If I don't like it, If something happens - there is nothing stopping me from packing up and moving somewhere else.

2) Boys - Call me a snob but in my mind, men will always be boys to me - callous, heartless and no-brainers. Yes, many of our world leaders are of that particular gender but hey - look at the state of the world (and its countries) today - need I say more? It is a never-ending footy game that is badly played - both on the skills side of things as well as sportsmanship.

3) Taking risks - They say that if a risk is calculated and the odds are in favour - one should always go for it. My retort to "what is there to lose?!" has always been - anything and everything! Calculated or not, I've always been the chicken when it comes to taking risks - it is a no-go zone. Play by the books, work your bones and what is due to you will come... eventually-ish.

In a span of 2 weeks, my 3 firm beliefs went flying out of the window as though it was sucked by a tornado. And it has taken me days to settle down and put it in words - it has to be done so that it's real to me at long last.

It's hard to imagine that only a week ago, the wheels to this statred turning. Perhaps, it was always there at the back of my head but it didn't ever make it way to the bus-stop for the bus to take it to the front. Until along came a boy who said "You're a great person but your heart is too small. You need to grow it bigger!" Not only did he put that damn thought at the bus-stop, he bloody brought a Ferrari round to drive it to its destination. And with that, changed belief #2 and #3.

Maybe I am placing far too much credit on the shoulders of one person. But in all honesty, in my 35-odd years of living, nothing has ever felt this right and this conscious. Perhaps this was what he meant when he said "Be conscious to your sub-conscious!"

I'm taking a moment to reflect on my entire life todate and wondering, if the wrong turns I didn't take, would still result in me being here today - buying over my parents' house (so that the roof continues to stay over their head), making progressive business moves that will only help us grow from strength to strength and making plans for life beyond today and tomorrow.

Change is constant.
How we experience change that's up to us.

Maybe it is like I told my dad's friend over a cuppa at O'Brien's - it has really been a series of events and persons who has led me to where I am today.

It can feel like death or
it can feel like a second chance at life.

Along came a boy who opened my eyes to a the difference between 'living' and 'existing.' 

If we open our fingers, loosen our grips,
go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline.

Along came a boy who made me see that I was not all that good and inspired, taught me how to be better - personally, professionally and religiously.

Like at any moment we can
have another chance at life.

Along came a boy who tore down each and every wall I have carefully built around me, encasing me in a bubble.

Like at any moment,
we can be born all over again.

But at the core of it all - it really is this:

Along came a boy who looked me in the eye and told me this: I will never ever let you fall.

New Boundaries

Every once in a while, you get to a point where you either charge forward or retreat, admitting defeat.

I've been letting the defeatus fear get to me. And when I finally let go and let it flow: new boundaries are found.

It's all looking up now... Which means I have to face more skeletons from the closet...

Give me courage and i'll walk it with you.. but let's for now just  try out Saturday dinners with the kids :)

Evergreen

So it's Valentine's Day. And I let it pass me by, unobserved, unmarked.

Why do we have to listen to our hearts? Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure. 

I started the day, just staying in and reflecting - words, words, words - nothing but words going through my head. But I held them off. Kept them at bay. They didn't see no text, email or notes. Perhaps towards the end of this day, I may just write them down - just so that they are said. But still, they have yet to find their own momentum - so perhaps not.

My heart is a traitor, it doesn’t want me to go on ~ That makes sense. Naturally it’s afraid that, in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won.

I observed a kid this afternoon as the sky overhead aggressively got gloomier with the threat of rain heavy in the air. I observed him as I walked towards my appointment - he was all chirpy, cheerful - holding a bouquet of roses in his arms as he waited for the girl to show. And hour later, in near dark skies, I walked out - his smile was gone and anxiety was written all over his face as his stared down at the flowers and his mobile. I doubt it beeped before the rains came.

Well, then, why should I listen to my heart?  Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world.

It may be the folly of youth. But then again, when you're young - nothing scares you. The monsters in the closet are as soft and cuddly as Scully. The Randalls of the world have yet to show up at your doorstep and haunt your dreams.

If you know your heart well, it will never be able to do that (treason) to you. Because you’ll know its dreams and wishes, and will know how to deal with them.

There will be a celebration. This weekend. And for once in a long time, I find myself thinking ahead - what to cook, what music to play... but I shall stop at there and not go into what to say. Because if anything the last few months have taught me, it would be that by preventing myself from looking forward to the evening, I have brought nothing but dread, anxiety and frustration to myself.

My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer ~ Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.

They say, you bring some of your past into your present. And try as I may not to do that - I have failed miserably. My Tennessee Line has not yet been crossed. And while I work at it, it does us no good (NO GOOD AT ALL!) to have it hang out right in front the obvious truth. The past is still very much present.

Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out indeed, to be threatening place. So, we, their hearts, speak more and more softly.

My own version of the above is absolute silence. And I have been doing much of that lately. Where once I spoke my heart and mind, I instead kept silent. And when you've been with someone for coming close to 3 years, the silence does not escape you.

Our best times (with the hope that there is still more to come) were those where communication took place. When I cast to the winds, the fears, the Randalls and everything bad that comes with it and said what I felt.

We never stop speaking out, but we begin to hope that our words won’t be heard: we don’t want people to suffer because they don’t follow their hearts.

And I want to bring that back, with all my heart - even if it holds things that I am afraid off. Like being even further away with even less time. I want to bring it back cos we may be nothing but we are in fact something.

And that something is worth me fighting for. Just as you fight all the time to bring me back from my darkness and my twisted-ness. With your telling me to "listen to the drums in the background" or that you feel the "need to get our lives back to normal".

So yes, it is worth me fighting with all I have. For if I don't try, I would have already lost. And at the end of the day, despite all that you are (not), you're all I want and need.

Phrases in italics are taken from 

Paulo Coelho - The Alchemist

Tv Off

I just had to make that first move and reconnect with Ben last night. Needless to say, the last few months has been everything but a smooth sail. 

Love can consign us to hell or to paradise,
but it always takes us somewhere.
We simply have to accept it,
because it is what nourishes our existence.
If we reject it, we die of hunger,
because we lack courage to stretch out a hand and
pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life.
We have to take love where we find it,
even if it means hours, days, weeks of
disappointments and sadness. 

I guess at the end of the day it comes down to this: I was never promised the world. And when faced with that choice then, I took it and ran. And I've been running with it since. - years later. Sure there are days when I question: Where is all this going to see me ending up at? And there are some days I am so confident of what I feel and what it is, it doesn't touch me one bit. 

Can I fault him when he has been nothing but clear and focused? Is it fair to go shouting "I've been giving and giving!" when he's never asked to receive?

It's simple but not perfect. Hasn't he said it a thousand times over, especially when he thinks I need to be reminded of it? And it has to be said - it must be working to some extent - it's soon coming 3 years on. (By golly, has it been that long?!)

I need to snap out of this emotional dip - it does no one any good. Instead of looking forward to my one day a month, I have been dreading it. Instead of smiling and laughing, I have been spoiling for fights. If I were in his shoes, I'd put off coming home - just so I don't get into any trouble that I don't think I should be in!

The hours of waiting have been
transformed into tension,
the tension has become fear,
and the fear makes you embarrassed about
showing affection.

There is always a solution to every problem. And some of them is as simple as not to not have the problem exist in the first instance. While some may say I'm living in the land of the-nile, there would also be some who may say - you've made your bed, now lie in it!

It's tough all around. And rough sometimes too. But I just have but to believe in it! And playing the same sad sobbing programme over and over again in my head is NOT the solution - it is THE problem. So I'm turning this emotional TV show off.

Life is too short. I am not wasting it.

Love doesn’t ask many questions, 

because if we stop to think we become fearful. 

It’s an inexplicable fear; 

it’s difficult even to describe it. 

Maybe it’s the fear of being scorned, 

of not being accepted, 

or of breaking the spell. 

It’s ridiculous, but that’s the way it is. 

That’s why you don’t ask - you act. 

As you’ve said many times, you have to take risks.

Instead, I shall live it.

Weary Momentum

I asked the Bear a very rude question yesterday after he shared how he has started seeing someone new. It was rude cos it went something like this: What does this new girl have that the last didn't?! Now if it works out, this would be the Bear's 3rd or 4th relationship since I meet him years ago. And of them all, one had him licking the bottom of the devil's cauldron, and the last had him almost buying a house together. 

I do admire the Bear though - for unrelentingly putting himself out there, all the time. And its a thought that sits heavy on my mind as I sit with my coffee and try to make sense of what's been in my head for a very long time. Cos in all honesty, this girl is tired and weary. And she's at a crossroad as to what she should and need to do...

On one hand, I am reluctant to do anything - after all, if it ain't completely broken - why fix it?! And on the other hand, we all know that it's cracked and cracking as we speak. Top it off with the irony of how Barcelona is a mere few months away - I cannot help but hold a cynical smile plastered on when I think about it.

At the end of the day, I guess I had always knew it would come down to this. It was only a matter of time. There - I've said it out loud. And thank God I am in a public place - puts some restraints on the tears falling down as the song plays on.

Good thing life doesn't come with a scalpel...

because if it did, when things started to hurt, 

we would just cut and cut and cut. 

At this juncture, I cannot help but also recall the words a long-lost friend said to me in the aisle of a supermarket recently - Barb, you've just sometimes gotta try.

The thing is what we take away with a scalpel
we can't ever get back. 

So perhaps... I should just not do anything (again?!) and just let the pain come and go?

So, like I said, good thing.

A Chorus Line

I only have one prayer today and it goes something like this..."Please make the right decision, the one that you know is the one I want you to make - Not because you think I'd be pissed if you didn't do so. But because it's what you want to give me." 

Options are there because that is who I am - the one who goes and purposely opens windows and doors, just so the feeling of being trapped doesn't have the opportunity to arisen and awake. Yet, I know now, that giving options are more dangerous than opening doors. It builds walls that then create a box, leaving you feeling more trapped than ever.

It's all finally sunk in. Or rather, the demons have finally caught up with me over a week of hide-and-seek. My lil head has wrapped itself over the magnitude of what was said over the weekend. And my lil heart is not ready for that - it's cracked and in the process of breaking to a million pieces.

So please.. as the clock ticks away towards the end of your seven days, please, please, please make the right decision....

Kiss today goodbye,
And point me t'ward tomorrow.
The gift was ours to borrow.
It's as if we always knew,
We did what we had to do.
Won't forget, can't regret
What I did for love