Seeing red

The mystery has been solved.

My notebook does not have an IR port.

It's suppose to - goggle the specs on Compaq Presario V3000 and you'll find IR listed. Having turned it upside down, flipped left and right, right to left (okays I know it's begining to sound very Karma-sutra-ish), I could not locate it.

So I decided to google it again, with the word "forum" appended. Low and behold, I find myself reading how it's a scam and there is no IR port included. I have to get some remote control device thingy-ma-jig if I want my phone (which is my only IR device right now) to mate with my notebook.

*Sigh* I am disappointed. Here I was.. finally beginning to let go of Dellsey (my previous notebook) and *wham* this has to happen...

Notebook.. they are just like men... if you get along brilliantly, it's not meant to last forever.. and if you're stuck with each other, every flaw will come to light.

Bangs.Head.On.Notebook.

The ring

Call me insane. But there is something incredibly sexy about a man's hand when he's sporting that wedding band.

No, no, no - that does not mean that I go for married men.

It's just a statement of fact that a ring adorns a guy's hand in a way that nothing else can. Not even an expensive watch.

Of course, it shouldn't be something gaudy or flashy. Something in platinum with a nice sized diamond would be statement enough of his taste and his way of life.

I suppose it also says that this chap found what he wanted in life and has no qualms of telling the world about it.

And everytime I meet a guy with a ring on his finger, I cannot help but sigh inwardly... wishing that out there somewhere, is someone who is wearing the same that I had placed there.

Oh well... a girl can dream, can't she?

Up in the air

This post is inspired by a chap named Jack and a fuzz-ball affectionately called Grover.

Apparently, I am self-destructive and I have issues deeper than the river Nile. Okay. Maybe not the river Nile.. but well issues.

Why?

Cos I go and make things run over by the reindeer and such. Just because.

I have to put it down as a statement before I go to sleep with a smile on my face and the lingering scent of something I've never smelt before on the side of my shoulder.

1) I am not self-destructive.

• Just because I know what I want, what is good for me, what I can handle and what I can't, doesn't mean that I go around with a bubble over my head that says "Watch out! Time bomb!" Fine ~ given that said person has been on the other end of my blade before, but then again - it was not self-destruction.

2) I do not have issues.

• Okay.. maybe I have tiny bumbs in life that I occassionally carry around like a sack of potatoes. But they are not issues. In these past weeks, I don't think my thoughts have been any clearer on where I want to be. Fine - it's been all "I" but then again, we can't possibly speak of a cat that has yet to exist right?

So yeah.. just cos I envy you and your ability to compartmentalise your life into neat lil boxes, doesn't mean I have to be a walking time-bomb. I mean ~ hey! I think I had more fun, smiles and laugh in the last hour than I would have had at Gobo. And it was well worth it.

This is not a mean post. It's just neutralising the maggots in my head before they become.. well.. maggots. *grin*

I still maintain that one soul out there would be better off if he bit the bullet, stepped up to the plate and have things the way it's meant to be. Afterall, AirSupply didn't write the song Two Less Lonely People for nothing.

I fight the fights that I know I can win. Cos I've lost far too much in life to go on losing.

But I shall take your words into heed. And like you said, sleep on it for tonight.

The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan.

Maybe what I need is a new plan.

AND I do not have a pseudo boyfriend. Lord knows if I did, there won't be that many chemical shooters to chase down.

Denial

The key to surviving is denial. We deny we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces.

I dreaded coming back to the house today. It was a long day at work. I needed the rest. I had a good dinner. But I still dreaded coming home today. Today, of all days.

I guess it's because I knew that it was going to be an empty place that I return to. No one to say gleefully, "Hey - you're back" or to open my door for me and take my bag while I slip off my shoes.

You should know by now that I do not need any particular reasons to come crashing down from a high. My brain-cells has a mind of their own on when to come on and be logical, and when to just switch off. Today was one of those moments.

I miss it all. The company... the camaraderie... the hugs... the kisses... the comfort of collapsing on the couch and having a crook to cradle your head in on...

And as I turned the key in the door, I realised that my wanting never to leave my former workplace was cos it filled a void that would otherwise have been unbearable. Everywhere I turned, I was not wanting for company. And I had the occassional friendly face walk non-chalantly across the door, sliding between desks and such, to pop right at the side of my table just to say "hi".

Since having left Fairview for almost 7 weeks now, it's all begining to set in.. my reasons and my denials.

I hate feeling this way. And I would only admit here.

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing...

Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean.

So here's my question for the night...

How do you keep from drowning in it?

For the boys

You know when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales? That fantasy of what your life would be -- white dress, prince charming who’d carry you away to a castle on a hill. You’d lie in your bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa clause, the tooth fairy, prince charming -- they were so close you could taste them.

It's been a whirlwind 2 days of break for me. I cannot remember the last time I had such fun on a day off. It's always been work, work and more work, that when I have time to myself, I am at a loss. But the last 2 day was just amazing, catching up with friends and spending quality time with them and the children.

It was over one of these such occassion that I got embroiled in an *oh* so familiar discussion with one of my boys. Yes - one of my boys. I have decided that they need some form of labelling for the special places they hold in my life. So My Boys it shall be.

It happened quite out of the blue over a paw-paw (still not sure if it's the same as papaya or not, but heck, it was delish!) salad and it started as my mis-adventures over my latest Keep-Barb-Occupied escapade. Contrary to what the rest of my boys have been telling me about these online sites, maybe, just maybe, I had hoped that there would be a nice looking decent chappie who had lodge his picture and a write up bout himself out there.

But eventually you grow up and one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears.

Alas, I should have known better. After 3 weeks or so of this non-sense, I think I shall call it a day and be comforted by my thrashy novels instead.

So anyways, it was on that note (or somewhere in that vacinity) that Tall&Stable Boy (yes, I have yet to come up with a nick for you yet *grin*) commented sheepishly that maybe.. just maybe.. my criteria are a bit extreme.

Excuse me? A bit extreme? Err.. helloooo.. half the chaps that drop me a smile, wink or email are over 40 and have words like "vintage" in their handle!

Most people turn to the things and people they can trust.

But anyways, to cut the long story short... maybe he is right. Afterall, I could name him what I wanted in the next guy to come along and hey - he needs to have something out of every one of my boys! Yups - if I could have em rolled into 1, I would be the happiest champer alive!

As for which of their traits that I seek.. let's leave it for another day. When I'm really sure that they are no longer reading this. Can't have them inflated now, can we? *wink*

For it is the truth that if anyone of them rung, even at the 11th hour and said, "Hey - let's go out," I would cancel whatever plans I have and go. Even when I know that going out would mean sitting with them and watch their roving eyes, helping them along by the occassional finger-pointing, courage-drinking or simply be invisible when the occassion calls for it.

At the end of the day, faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don’t really expect it. It’s like one day you realize that the fairy tale is slightly different than your dream. The castle, well it may not be a castle. And it’s not so important that it’s happily ever after -- just that it’s happy right now. See, once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you. And once in awhile, people may even take your breath away.

But heck - they are my Boys for a reason. And as my bestest buddies in this world, they do take my breath away and .. it's alright. I'm happy right now.

So in essence, while they may grow up and grow away, for now... I am a lucky girl to have my boys!

My chick flick

I raided the DVD shop today and for once, I picked up a couple of romantic comedies.

Frankly, I do enjoy them. Just that in the recent dark and twisty mode, I have stayed away from them. So today, in the name of self-indulgence, I picked up The Holiday and Music and Lyrics.

Just finished watching The Holiday. And I must say that while the movie has 4 main characters (Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law and Jack Black), it was really more on

1. the budding romance between Cameron Diaz and Jude Law, and
2. the relationship between Kate Winslet and an old man played by Eli Wallach.
   

Jack Black.. kinda did not quite fit in.

Nonetheless, it is what it is - a romantic comedy, which always bring the feel good factor. It's a definite winner by my books simply cos:

• Jude Law IS the original McDreamy. So move over Patrick Dempsey. Except when Patrick Dempsey is in a white-based buttoned down cotton shirt with stripes.
• Half the movie was shot in Godalming, Surrey. That's not too far away from where I spent my year in the UK.
• It has a few nice songs and a few good lines.

So yeah. It is a good Labour Day and the movie choice was a splendid ending to it.

Lovely. Simply lovely.

It sounds corny, I know. I love corny.

My bad

This post tentamounts to a sheepish public apology to my dearest friend. It's not a necessity... but well... It wasn't fair to have ruined his night. While I didn't do it intentionally, by believing that my presence would not be missed, was a slight itself. And somehow, I keep messing things up.

And to think that not two weeks ago, another dear friend proved me wrong in my beliefs. Why do I find it so hard to accept that good things and people can happen to me? Why do I sometimes work so hard to keep myself from all these good things?

If only I could just remember the words of this song..

Life is beautiful, but it's complicated,
We barely make it.
We don't need to understand,
There are miracles.

Stand where you are.
We let all these moments pass us by.

It's amazing where I'm standing,
There's a lot that we can give.
This is ours just for the moment,
There's a lot that we can give.

Nobody likes to lose control. It's a sign of weakness, of not being up to the task. Still there are times when it just gets away from you, when the world stops spinning, when you realize your shiny little scalpel isn't gonna save you. No matter how hard you fight it, you fall. It's scary as hell.

Except there's an upside to the free fall.

It's the chance you give your friends to catch you.

I should not let my issues get in my way of living a good and happy life.

Maybe the rules of intimacy are something we have to define for ourselves.