The key to surviving is denial. We deny we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see and believe what we want to believe, and it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after a while the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognize the truth... right in front of our faces.
I dreaded coming back to the house today. It was a long day at work. I needed the rest. I had a good dinner. But I still dreaded coming home today. Today, of all days.
I guess it's because I knew that it was going to be an empty place that I return to. No one to say gleefully, "Hey - you're back" or to open my door for me and take my bag while I slip off my shoes.
You should know by now that I do not need any particular reasons to come crashing down from a high. My brain-cells has a mind of their own on when to come on and be logical, and when to just switch off. Today was one of those moments.
I miss it all. The company... the camaraderie... the hugs... the kisses... the comfort of collapsing on the couch and having a crook to cradle your head in on...
And as I turned the key in the door, I realised that my wanting never to leave my former workplace was cos it filled a void that would otherwise have been unbearable. Everywhere I turned, I was not wanting for company. And I had the occassional friendly face walk non-chalantly across the door, sliding between desks and such, to pop right at the side of my table just to say "hi".
Since having left Fairview for almost 7 weeks now, it's all begining to set in.. my reasons and my denials.
I hate feeling this way. And I would only admit here.
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing...
Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean.
So here's my question for the night...
How do you keep from drowning in it?
I dreaded coming back to the house today. It was a long day at work. I needed the rest. I had a good dinner. But I still dreaded coming home today. Today, of all days.
I guess it's because I knew that it was going to be an empty place that I return to. No one to say gleefully, "Hey - you're back" or to open my door for me and take my bag while I slip off my shoes.
You should know by now that I do not need any particular reasons to come crashing down from a high. My brain-cells has a mind of their own on when to come on and be logical, and when to just switch off. Today was one of those moments.
I miss it all. The company... the camaraderie... the hugs... the kisses... the comfort of collapsing on the couch and having a crook to cradle your head in on...
And as I turned the key in the door, I realised that my wanting never to leave my former workplace was cos it filled a void that would otherwise have been unbearable. Everywhere I turned, I was not wanting for company. And I had the occassional friendly face walk non-chalantly across the door, sliding between desks and such, to pop right at the side of my table just to say "hi".
Since having left Fairview for almost 7 weeks now, it's all begining to set in.. my reasons and my denials.
I hate feeling this way. And I would only admit here.
Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, and denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing...
Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean.
So here's my question for the night...
How do you keep from drowning in it?
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