The Task

My deadline ended today. I'd probably still have about another week to get my task done but it bugs me nonetheless to be this tardy.

For 6 days, I have been staring at a blank page. A blank page that should be easily filled with words - after all, stringing together words are supposed to be my forte. Yet, the page remains blank. And while that page remains blank, this blog and my Facebook notes, have been getting filled.

It's not to say I am unclear on my task - on the message that I am suppose to craft out of thin air. It could not be more clear. In fact, what has been said here, and on my notes page, has been nothing but revolving around the message, the theme.

Yet the task remains undone. For I am inundated with fear, fear of getting it wrong. Scared of writing a page and a half worth of words, knowing that I can do it with my eyes closed. Frozen, still, with my fingers poised over the keyboards, waiting for the freezer to unlock and the fingers fly into motion.

Yes, I am scared. Because in this task, I have to become you. And that scares the hell out of me, even though you are utterly sure I cannot get it wrong. I will not get it wrong simply cos I have not gotten it wrong todate. 

Don't you understand that everything I do,
I do it for you?
Anything that might be special in me,
is You?

And so I am scared. Cos if I get it wrong, it might just mean that time and distance have come between us - that I no longer know you.

And if indeed that has happened... I really don't want to know.

Add Me On!

Earlier this month, the word ‘Unfriend’ was named word of the year by the New Oxford American Dictionary. Defined as a verb that means to remove someone as a "friend" on a social networking site such as Facebook, it was said to be chosen because "it has both currency and potential longevity." 

Running a search on Google on this word, I must say I am most surprised to find loads of instructional entries on how to ‘unfriend’ someone for whatever reasons you may have. One of my favourite lines would have to be this: “Assuming you're sure that you no longer want to be friends, click on "Okay" and after a moment or two that connection is broken and the two of you are no longer friends.” 

Wowzers indeed! 

In the years that I have been a FB member, I think I had only had to consciously remove people from my listing a grand total of about 3 times. The first was an utter act of silliness – very High School Musical which I shall not bore you with. The second was really an act of kindness – said person did not have to know how accidentally upsetting he can be from my status tweets. But in these two instances, in an off-line world, we were (and remains) good friends, on good terms. 

The third was however a seriously conscious decision in both on-and-off-line worlds. And it was a hard and painful one to make. But what needed to be done had to be done. Though not in the manner that FB and New Oxford has so callously painted it out to be. And so, after two long email exchanges, one final attempt at finding if there is anything that could be salvaged, the button was clicked and she was outta of my life. 

We’re not at that age where friends come by so easily ~ the phrase a dime a dozen comes to mind, simply cos we have already peaked in formulating our opinions, our lifestyles, our convictions – any one wanting into this category would have to fit these criteria we have painstakingly established over time. 

I can’t say cyberspace has not done its part in better enabling us to find people who meet some. if not all, of these criteria. And of course, being a world that never sleeps, it enables us to find these matches crossing geographical boundaries and time zones, without disrupting our normal lives. 

But here the deal breaker - with such unlimited freedom from our normal parameters, it has also given us carte blanche to hurt. 

Irritated with their constant mindless banter? Click ‘Hide updates’. Not wanting to hear how their day went? Click ‘invisible’. No longer interested in having them keep you company late into the early hours of morning? Click ‘unfriend.’ And the best bit of it all – as Facebook would warn you if you ever embark on this new verb: “Your former friend will not receive any notification that you have unfriended them.” Which means, there would be this one person, sitting at their computer, somewhere out there wondering – Gee, have I gone and done something I should not have? 

Go back a millennia or so, you’ll find that the Old English word for ‘friend’ was simply the present participle of the verb frēon ~ to love. So while what has become a daily part of our lives and is indeed extremely useful – it has also cheapened and demeaned the true definition of a friend. 

Perhaps Facebook should relook at the way they have categorized relationships. Add in categories like “acquaintance”, “cyber buddy” or even “game neighbor”. Just so that everyone knows everyone else’s boundaries. 

And perhaps while for us purist who awaits the people over at the Facebook office to wake up and smell the degeneration – maybe we ourselves could be just that lil bit more cautious and think once, twice, thrice to the n-th time whether we really want to click on that button that says “Add as friend.” 

Call me a lemon. Call me a pessimist. Call me anything you want. But trust me on this – you’ll be saving yourself a whole load of grief from being ‘unfriend’ once your flavor has worn out.

Pillars

A few weeks ago, at a function, when one of my Irish friends introduced me to this young lady and asked if I could help mentor her in her business, my first thoughts were "Wow - and there I was thinking her husband was so damn hot as the guitarist of the band!"

We met for the first time today, for a proper sit down discussion after being on email for about a week, and I must say, I walked away from it, feeling as if I have been the one handed the gift, and not the other way around.

Very rarely do we find young people, in this day and age, who are willing to go the distance, in fulfilling what they want to do deep down inside. Having read their (her husband and her's) story, and this dream they have created, I am really psyched to be allowed a part of this.

And I do this cos it's time I start taking some of my own medicine.. as I told Ben early Monday morning - time to start believing you're capable of so much more than what you're paid to do. "Believe I can fly... I can touch the sky.. Be as big as Sly...But more importantly, always believe in truth and not lies... for they are the pillar of life."

And the way they are living their lives - it's the truth. So if the foundations they have built on is a bit weak, no harm in my helping prop it up whatever way I can. It's not everyday that I get the honour of meeting people who dare to dream and are honest and humble to admit that they are in the midst of pursuing their dream.

All About Towels

I have been making an effort to wake up on time, as I used to do. Doesn't matter that I don't really need to. But to know that I can set my mind to something and do it, gives me some relief and self-assurance that I've not lost all of my lessons learnt.

I stumbled into my bathroom this morning after barely enough sleep and the first sight to greet me is this two bath towels hanging on both rungs of the towel rack. There is nothing ever odd about having two bath towels hanging in such a manner for most people. But I live by myself and in the 11 months I've lived here, never before have I come across such a sight.

Here I sit at my desk, refusing to take the other towel down to be put into the laundry basket, simply cos it reminds me that though I am by myself, I am not quite alone. It reminds me that when he's not here, there is something of his that is here. And that yes, when there is a chance, he comes home.

So there it is. All about towels. What's the state of yours?

Making Excuses

I recall having this discussion once with LB - about laziness and how it is a trait that can be cultivated. And I've been re-evaluating my own performance, my throughput levels at work, at my projects and how productive I have been. Sad to say, I have slacked so much I want to dig a hole and bury myself in it.

At the end of the day, I can make all sorts of excuses - culture, environment, time-zone difference - but they will remain what they are: excuses. And when I've realised that my own achievements have been below par, really - no amount of excuses can make me rest easy at night until that is sorted.

And so, as much as I wish I could take my traditional long vacation at this year-end, I know for a fact, I do not deserve one.

I no longer have the luxury of having a big team of folks where our roles can be segregated such that I am the thinker, the planner, the strategist and to pass them on for implementation when my part is done.

I am now all-rolled-into-one. And if I want my business to succeed so that I can say I made something for myself (and for certain crazy people to be less tied to a job) then I'll have to make sure that my plans, my programmes come to fruition.

December is almost near.. no more time for resting on laurels and hibernation.

Besides as Ben says - Tortoise pace is really not me.

The Hope

BFF-II is thinking he needs an iPhone cos he gets lonely without his MSN. Our short weekend catch up across the borders on his lousy lappie, we mutually agreed that people don't talk anymore. Which is one of the things I marvel at.

Ben once asked why do I need so many instant chat applications running - yes, I have 4 (Yahoo, Windows Live, Skype, GoogleTalk) and that number would increase to 5 if you were to include the built-in one on Facebook. And my reply was that different friends use different applications and so it's best if I had an account in each one and ran them all.

Sadly, that is indeed the harsh realities of our lives today. Instant chats and short-message texts. Folks asks for your number these days, and you can bet you'll never quite hear their voice on the other end but will receive a deluge of beeps from them.

Once upon a time, I was well and truly happy to not speak to another human being for days on end. I recall how Sen asked if he should step out the door, sit in the car and for us to continue our conversation via SMS cos the cat really got my tongue. But now, I'd much rather hear the voice and laugh on the other end of the line or table, sense the warmth of a smile and all that jazz that comes with actually knowing the you're not talking to yourself.

Everyone is different and thus engages different ways of staying connected. My best buddy can go for weeks and months on end not seeing me in the flash cos we start almost each day with a short "Good morning" beeped in. BFF on the other hand, would be there on GoogleTalk from the start of the work day till the end, but we'll still have a physical face-to-face lunch thrown in at least 2 out of 3 days in the week. And Ben just beeps but makes it a point to not go more than a couple of weeks at most, work permitting. 

And that, to me is my hope. 

An iPhone may be a solution, but it is NOT the only solution. So long as more people realise that - then perhaps we would not all lead such disjointed lives at the end of the day.

Evolution

Plato, who said in 300-something BC that you learn more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation. I supposed he would be the authority on this subject matter as he was surrounded all the time by philosophers, scholars, astronomers - persons who thought living and knowing was all done in conversations. Perhaps, it was through the daily intellectual exchanges that Plato felt that he had witness sufficient twisting and turning of thoughts to appreciate the simple joys of merely engaging without wanting to strike a point at the end of the hour.

Nat, after a particularly trying day at the office yesterday quoted Tennessee Williams as saying that the the only thing worse than a liar, is a liar who is also a hypocrite. And this would have been at the start of the 20th century. When the world was just coming to terms with materialism and consumerism. Where people realised that certain needs exploited, would bring about gains undreamed of. 

My day was more or less ruined at the start of the morning because of a callous thought spoken. While I am willing to give the benefit of doubt, strange as it may sound, that there was no malice intended, I am still nonetheless miffed at how people and society has evolved to the way we are today. 

As Akon said in his song, "Sorry, Blame it on me" - How was I meant to know she was underage? Which is a fine excuse Stan when all is said and done. But hey buddy boy - I would bet my bottom dollar that the question did cross your mind but you willfully cast it away, sweeping it under the carpet, playing the odds that you might not get caught. 

As night draws nigh, I cannot help but ponder if indeed the world were to end tomorrow, could we truly blame it on higher authority for giving up on us as a species, as a society, as a race. For while there may have been many improvements and innovations in the century past, there have also been a much higher rate of erosion. And I'm not capping it merely at what we are doing to the environment. But extending it to our values and norms.

I may not be an angel nor a saint. But hey I'm at least willing to admit that much.

In Another Life

In another life, I organised conferences - international ones - where over 2000 people came from around the world. With their partners having a separate agenda. And it wasn't just one that I have done. To fit them all in my  resume would be just too much. But that's precisely it - it was in another life.

Which was why I sat through a long meeting at the end of today, biting my tongue, resisting the urge to say "Give me one day with this paper and you'll have the programme, titles and to-do-list all drawn up to execute".

It's gonna be a long 6 weeks so I need to be mentally prepared for this. Lots of standing in front of my mirror saying "Shut my trap no matter what!"

It's gonna be a long 6 weeks so I need to be physically prepared for this. Tongue has got to be ready to be chomp down a fair bit.

I wish I didn't have so many other lives.

Lessons from Beyond

I’ve never been one good at receiving compliments of any kind graciously. Somehow, when pointed out, the things I do don’t seem extraordinary in my eyes.

Earlier this week, a 3^rd party commented through my friend how amazing a parent I am when Mandy recounted something Lydia remarked last week. Something about feeling bad cos she’s the only one going to a school that was a fee paying one. And that she had said it was alright if she didn’t go to her school just so I wouldn't have to put aside huge amounts of money for her schooling.

Of course I am almost amazed by how Lydia and Luke are. But never once have I credited it to me. And what was said over the end of the week – bout Little Nyonya being Lydia’s fave show and her having a maturity and how I have done well in that respect – made me seriously sit down and think if perhaps there is some truth to what everyone says.

At the core of upbringing, the most important thing one can ever impart, I feel, is a sense of respect. Instill that in anyone and everything else will fall into place. But how does one teach respect? For if we force it upon them without any understanding, then it is only but a mere watershed ~ it will not last when they form their own way of life. Yet, I believe that if we lead by example, coupled with explanation and rationalization, then yes it will stick, and not just stick for the now, but for life.

And so I do it my way – a vast difference from the culture and environment that I myself was brought up in. Many have doubted if my way would work. My best friends shell me for telling my kids that we cannot buy a particular toy or eat at a certain place cos we have to be careful with our finances. My parents want to kick my butt when I send the kids to a corner or make them wait out their dinner when they misbehave. My aunt wants to take a cane to my behind when she learnt that I have Luke earning his way around the house for a toy (needless to say, she went and bought it for him when I wasn’t around!)

But people can say whatever they want cos I have validation that my way works. Not just in the comments I get about the two but because I know one such person who has benefitted from quite possibly a somewhat similar upbringing. A person who is kind-hearted, intelligent yet humble, focused and successful, and of course, adores his mum!

They say the best way to learn is to go to the source. Unfortunately, in this instance it would be rather impossible and frankly, quite eerie to think that I could actually go to the source :o)

I believe that children are our one and only legacy. Not some business we leave behind, the bungalow on by the beach, or the many kind acts that we did in our lifetime. For those are transient – existing only when we exist. But if they continue, under the banner of one’s off-springs, then that would be the ultimate legacy.

So there you go – yes, Lydia and Luke are great kids. The best as they can come. But how much they have grown emotionally and mentally in the last year and months is really not all credit to me. If you have ever wondered why I offer Masses for a particular lady whom I have never met – it would be precisely for the parenting lessons she imparts from the great beyond – through her son.

While it may have sounded strange to any of you who heard - He talks to his dead mother - you must admit. If you had a child and after you've gone, you would want your child to still felt that bond you shared. You'd be damn proud if that happened, and not wonder if he was losing his marbles.

So there you go. Why I do not think it strange. For this lady, whatever she looks like, how she was, etc etc etc - I know this for a fact - she left one heck of a legacy, despite all the odds she had to overcome. 

If I can achieve one-half of what she did, I would be damn proud of myself! 

Perhaps only then would I graciously accept all glowing remarks about how beautiful human beings my kids are.

Conversations at Midnight

"When is all this busy-ness and madness going to end?," she asked.

"When I quit my job and come out on my own?" he replied. 

"You know.. Engleby, the book, said that this 'busy' thing isn't a commitment, it's an evasion," she added.

“When I tell you I’m busy, I really mean I’m busy.”

And she couldn't think of a suitable reply until now..

Jika ini hakikatnya 

Aku serahkan jiwa & ragaku 

Menantimu walau sengsara 

Jika ini ketentuannya
Kau kan jadi milikku
Jua 

Big and Empty

I've been sitting on my couch, looking at my apartment, wondering why is it that it has somehow managed to retrieve the feeling of being big. And empty.

This was how it felt when I first moved in about a year ago. Though it is smaller than the old place, it actually feels huge. Over time and months, it no longer felt such a distance to get from the front door to the window.

Yet, that feeling is back.

"Why?" I am asking myself. How did I let this happen?

TnT

"Someone must have cursed our family's name," said Bernie yesterday evening as we caught up across the miles. Her dad was admitted to the hospital and as of this afternoon, no signs of improvement.

So yes, at a glance, with 2 family members brought down healthwise, it sure does look like there's a whole voodoo clan out there with our names on it.

But as I sat and looked around my nephew's space in the ward yesterday, I realised that whatever voodoo hulla-bulla that is assumed placed, it's not really working all. We have gotten it off light.

When you see those around you bearing more - you'd count your lucky stars.

Amusing

Someone told me yesterday, that I should extract the best of my posts and compile them into a book. 

In this midst of all this chaos, I thought the idea was proporterous and definitely way out of this world. I mean, who would actually pick up a book of musings from an unknown, written usually in angst or alcoholic haze? Hello - I am not Chelsea and I never meant to ring up Vodka.

Amusing ain't it ~ madness in chaos?

The Grim & I

The months past, I feel like I've a new best mate. Invisible to the living eye, Terry Prachett cites that he comes with his skeletal horse and a pet - Death of Rats. Last night my youngest nephew, my only Godchild, was in Intensive Care after an auto accident. Adult human error for sure. So while the Grim may have been winning in our recent showdowns - I'm telling him THIS child is not fair play. God will pass my message on.

Fiel

I'm trying very hard to find a solid reason why I keep coming back to this place. Why I keep revisiting this one issue, challenge. And why sometimes when I do, I can easily brush it aside, while at other times it can crumble me into a messed pile on the couch.

Maybe it's true...

I suppose what we see, what we hear, what we witness bears some weight to what we decide. And yes, while we may have made a decision once before, the world doesn't stay still and as such, pathways and futures in tandem, do not stay the same either. 

Maybe two is better than one...

If for nothing else that the last month has shown me, it would be that life is short and I am wondering if I am letting my life waste away, waiting for circumstances to come back into favour, waiting for control to be gained once again.

Everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

Yet, if I were to truly examine it from all points - I can't really say that I am wasting my life away. If anything, I have never been more in control of what I want and going after it. And while I would love to take absolute credit for it, I know I cannot say for certain that without my all-spark, I wouldn't be here.

But there's so much time, to figure out the best in my life
And you've already got me coming undone

There is a Spanish saying: Si quiero ser fiel a alguien o algo, primero debo ser fiel a mi mismo ~ To be faithful to someone or something, first I must be faithful to myself. And if I were to follow that saying, then I must admit that I have already made my decision - so long ago. And because I don't know how to deal with missing a piece of me, I go round  the mulberry bush, finding a ruse to disguise it.

Perhaps rather than muddling the issue, I should just look it straight in the eye and face it for it really is. Two is really not better than one. You don't have to tell me that. I know.

When I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay

So this is the last we'll hear of this, in this fashion. Making it count with those who count is what makes it all worth it.

And finally now, believing that
I can't live without you...

Okay... I can do this.

Between BFFs

This is a conversation between bff Mandy and me not ten minutes ago ~ "And i wanted to tell u this" she said following it with "You cannot run away from me.."

Okays Mandy - you win. I'm IT.

Winter Blues

The Bear asked me to catch up with him tomorrow when I shared that I had taken the day off. My reply to him was that he's blown me off so many times before, I didn't quite see a point in it. I further added that in my current state of mind, if he did do that, I'd probably disown him for good in fury.

Today was not really a good day. As I told Alex - I'm all blue and wanted to hole up at home under the covers and wait for the day(s) to go by. The rain outside my window is not helping much either - it'll be strange to say this but it is true - I suffer from the Winter Blues in a tropical climate country.

I could say, that this is precisely one of the reasons why, people choose not to go down this path. That it was not worth all the endless moaning at the end of the day. That sometimes, poor quality is still better than zero quantity.

I could say, that I'm not brave enough to take matters into my own hands. And say enough is enough - I am drawing the line. I do not, not for an abundance of cowardice. But because I know that the random bits of good far outweighs the massive black hole.

There is nothing wrong. Just a lack of communication. A lack of knowing that the other person is still there. And I should know better when he is off on his rainbow chasing expeditions - and literally in this case, looking for the pot of gold at the end of it. 

And under normal circumstances, I would cope better. I have coped better. But these days and weeks have been anything but normal. Just as I think I have sent the Grim Reaper away, news of yet another death comes my way. And while it is of someone who is of not much personal consequence to me, it is still a piece of news - of someone who shares some of my DNA passing. Another life lost not even old.

If I had a genie in a bottle, I would cast my wish like John Donne's Bait and simply say:

Come live with me, and be my love

And we will some new pleasures prove

Of golden sands, and crystal brooks,

With silken lines and silver hooks.

Hands - Yours

I have been wanting to write about Rihanna's coming out about that fateful night in February when even the rich, famous and gorgeous is not spared the woes of the common woman. In particular, the common woman in most countries where what goes on in the house does not see the light of day.

I recall thinking as I read the article(s) of how sad this young lady's life is - that she had to firstly make the decision of leaving the one she loved cos it was just not right, and secondly coming out in public to declare her stand because it was her 'duty' as a role-model of sorts for people around the world.

Rihanna admits to being embarrassed ~ that she was capable (or perhaps a better choice of words would be gullible) of falling in love with someone of that nature. And I thought to myself - it could be any nature or character flaw for that matter - abusive, drunkenness, weakness for gambling, cheating without a qualm - this would have to be the most painful part of the whole experience.

I guess I can finally sit down and write out my thoughts on this simply because I have just heard this evening of how a lady, twice Rihanna's age, is in a relationship conundrum. And I dare to bet my last dollar on which choice she would make. 

Whilst I shake my head over her predicament, I cannot share my sympathies on how her life turns out from here on out. Of course, you can argue that a decision in such circumstance is never an easy one to make. You try to imagine life on both sides - with and without. But I know for a fact, that despite all that is said and how most of the odds are stacked against her, for the moment while she is standing at this cross-road, her life, her future lies in no one's hands but her own. 

As the Dixie Chicks say in their song You were Mine:

I can't find a reason to let go

Even though you've found a new love

And she's what your dreams are made of

I can find a reason to hang on ~

What went wrong can be forgiven

Without you, it ain't worth livin' alone

Perhaps for some, the vision of being without is slightly easier to bear - if they know that they would not be alone through it all. But I acknowledge that not everybody is as blessed as I was, to be supported in the manner that I was supported.

And what Rihanna says about being finally able to think back on that night - applies to everyone, rich or poor, black, white or yellow. Sure - you'd feel as if there is nothing left in you that is going to enable you to go on if you choose to walk away.

But if you take a brief moment to reflect on your hands - be they covering your body to shield you from the blows, or be they wrapped tightly around your own self in a metaphoric way of keeping the broken heart from falling out - try to always remember this: they are YOUR hands. What you do with them - no one can make that action but you, yourself.

And whichever way you turn that steering wheel, it may not be much of a consolation.. but hey - 

It won't rain all the time.

The sky won't fall forever.

And though the night seems long,

your tears won't fall forever.

Keep On Walking

"You should update your blog more," Mandy wrote last week in our daily GoogleTalk conversations. And I know why she said what she said. For indeed, the Shooter has been silent, despite so many things taking place. Things that in the past, I would scramble to the nearest computer to write down.

But things are not quite the same anymore is it? For starters, it occurred to me - we've not had the phrase "dark and twisted" suffice in any of the postings for a long while now. And all the booze in the house that were here 3 months ago, are still here - in the exact same quantities they were last touched at.

While it is all good, it also scares me. Scares me that I have chosen to keep my words and thoughts, choosing to share its deepest darkness with only one. And one whose perspectives and opinions differ so vastly from mine. Yet the difference is so complimentary, I no longer find any relief in merely putting my thoughts down, here or anywhere else.

It used to be that we would have some normalcy in the craziness of the world. But those times have grown so far and few in between - I have gone from counting the days in the week to counting the Sundays in a month. And lately, my state has been so drained, I cannot find even the mental energy to do any counting. And his state has been so drained that he doesn't have any spare mental energy to prop me up in the way he used to.

Don't get me wrong - I am not going down on a spiral into one of those non-existent rabbit holes. I am merely putting down the facts. The facts of my life. The fact that the one I would give my life for, the one who pieced me back together again, is one who we are not familiar with.

For as long as I have been allowed to, I have been with men who believes in relationships where two lives cleave together. Didn't quite matter if the time spent were quality time. It was more or less a question of quantity over quality. So much so that most of my friends when they hear from me, they would know that that one has come to an end.

But now it is different. Once, when nothing I did was pretty much for myself; now everything I do is for my own self. Once, when I lived for another; now I live for myself. And it's all good cos there is this separate entity altogether for once, that is ME.

Yet sometimes.. just sometimes.. despite all reminders that we have to "than chiak" (make a living)... I do so want to say...

Why don't you come home, its not very far.

I wait up each night, for the sound of your car.

Well, we both knew it wouldn't be easy.

Oh how we both knew it wouldn't be easy.

Oh yeah , but oh I never thought it ever be, ever be this hard.

I'm bored and alone, it's been far too long.
Why don't you come home, it's where you belong.
Well, we all could do with the money,
But oh whats the use of the money,
When we ain't got no time...

It's been three weeks, since I got a decent sleep.
I've a restless head and an empty bed,
these dreams are killing me
So, I keep on walking
'til the sun comes up.

Some Things Remain The Same

One of my nightly rituals is to flip the page on my never-ending calendar. As I turned the page for tomorrow, the saying caught my attention and brought me up short. It quotes William James' saying: The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.

As I went back through my blog archive, I verified that yes indeed a year ago, I sat at my desk and wrote about people, management and the most important thing about working - the need to be appreciated.

The last year has been more or less a drastic slowdown in pace for me. When the economic world continued on its turmoil-filled spin, life has been quite a walk in the park for me. As friends and loved ones slaved at the grind, not to get a better percentage of increment but merely to save their jobs, I have to crack my head for work to do just to pass the time from 9 am to 5 pm, Mondays to Fridays.

It is indeed hard when the accounting balances do not justify a huge payout of festive incentives and what-have-you-not. But I have learnt that sometimes (not all the time) it is not all financial reward that matters.

As I told my colleague of my plans for next year, and how I think we can work out a path for her that would justify and enable her to go up a little bit more, it occurred to me that sometimes.. just sometimes.. the simplest gesture of "thank you for standing by me" would be enough.

I would do well to remember that.

Unk-ka

One of the things I have learnt about being an adult and a parent is the importance of keeping to one's word. Try breaking your promise to a child and you'll never live it down.

We've just come back from afternoon tea with the children's uncle (so very tempted to say long-lost but heck - water under the whatever!). And I was most surprised when he messaged last night to set up the meeting. Surprised because it was one thing to had wanted to take us to lunch two weeks back, but weeks on, it's not something I would expect him to honour.

Perhaps this low level of expectation stems from my personal low level of obligations ~ I never hold anyone to their word in this sort of instances for often it was said without being thought through and thus may be just the polite thing to merely say and not do.

Perhaps it is because his brother never kept to any of his promises way back then. And so, the thought of a common value system comes into play.

He's just made plans for the kids to catch up with him again next week, and later in the month for some outing when their blood cousins come down from Penang for their hols. 

Do I do expect him to follow through on these? Yes, I do. For he's always been the better son and adult. And if he has been diligently going back to Penang every fortnight to see his kids, I know for a fact that he's knows the meaning and value of making and keeping promises to children.

And people like that in Lydia's and Luke's life are far and few. Which is why, there is no doubt at all that I will allow them to continue to catch up with him, their Uncle.

Another Phantom Letter

The event of the last month has made me seriously take stock of my life – the full 34 years worth of it. 

You said we should live life to the fullest or else it would mean nothing. But then I’d have to ask – what is living life to the fullest? Is it doing what we want, when we want and in whatever fashion we want? 

I used to say I must go bungee jumping so that when I lay dying, I can say “I did it all.” But that was when bungee was all the fad. So what then? Does the list never end? 

I recall this movie – Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman – The Bucket List – where the two men, dying of cancer, makes a list of things they should do before they die. Do I do the same? Write my bucket list now and set out to achieve it? What if there is more to life than what I put on that list? Then what?

Or would it be more important to focus on what is important... on what really matters as another person living on this insane and lonely planet?

Time, is going by, so much faster than I,
And I'm starting to regret not spending all of it with you.
Now I'm, wondering why, I've kept this bottled inside,
So I'm starting to regret not telling all of this to you.
So if I haven't yet, I've gotta let you know...
Never gonna be alone!
From this moment on, if you ever feel like letting go,
I won't let you fall..
When all hope is gone, I know that you can carry on.
We're gonna see the world out,
I'm gonna be there always,
I won't be missing one more day...
I'll hold you 'til the hurt is gone.