Keep On Walking

"You should update your blog more," Mandy wrote last week in our daily GoogleTalk conversations. And I know why she said what she said. For indeed, the Shooter has been silent, despite so many things taking place. Things that in the past, I would scramble to the nearest computer to write down.

But things are not quite the same anymore is it? For starters, it occurred to me - we've not had the phrase "dark and twisted" suffice in any of the postings for a long while now. And all the booze in the house that were here 3 months ago, are still here - in the exact same quantities they were last touched at.

While it is all good, it also scares me. Scares me that I have chosen to keep my words and thoughts, choosing to share its deepest darkness with only one. And one whose perspectives and opinions differ so vastly from mine. Yet the difference is so complimentary, I no longer find any relief in merely putting my thoughts down, here or anywhere else.

It used to be that we would have some normalcy in the craziness of the world. But those times have grown so far and few in between - I have gone from counting the days in the week to counting the Sundays in a month. And lately, my state has been so drained, I cannot find even the mental energy to do any counting. And his state has been so drained that he doesn't have any spare mental energy to prop me up in the way he used to.

Don't get me wrong - I am not going down on a spiral into one of those non-existent rabbit holes. I am merely putting down the facts. The facts of my life. The fact that the one I would give my life for, the one who pieced me back together again, is one who we are not familiar with.

For as long as I have been allowed to, I have been with men who believes in relationships where two lives cleave together. Didn't quite matter if the time spent were quality time. It was more or less a question of quantity over quality. So much so that most of my friends when they hear from me, they would know that that one has come to an end.

But now it is different. Once, when nothing I did was pretty much for myself; now everything I do is for my own self. Once, when I lived for another; now I live for myself. And it's all good cos there is this separate entity altogether for once, that is ME.

Yet sometimes.. just sometimes.. despite all reminders that we have to "than chiak" (make a living)... I do so want to say...

Why don't you come home, its not very far.

I wait up each night, for the sound of your car.

Well, we both knew it wouldn't be easy.

Oh how we both knew it wouldn't be easy.

Oh yeah , but oh I never thought it ever be, ever be this hard.

I'm bored and alone, it's been far too long.
Why don't you come home, it's where you belong.
Well, we all could do with the money,
But oh whats the use of the money,
When we ain't got no time...

It's been three weeks, since I got a decent sleep.
I've a restless head and an empty bed,
these dreams are killing me
So, I keep on walking
'til the sun comes up.