I wrote in my Facebook page that I was losing my eggs and my marbles. And I think it requires some clarification of sorts - with birthday number 34 coming up, we don't want people going abouts thinking that Barb's fading into the hills, starting with losing her eggs, i.e. biological eggs. NOT that I'm about to go abouts utilising any of them.
I digress. So let me return to forming a clarifications of sorts. And we'll start with eggs.
This week and the next will be the craziest you'd ever hear of my office life. We're getting every single kid we have on the register safely on the plane, armed with the necessary documents and knowing that they have a room to call home when they get there. Funnily, the number one worry that most parents have is that their kids are gonna land in some foreign land, having to sleep under a tree (a foreign tree to boot!) on their first night. AS IF any of us placement offices would allow that to happen!
And while all that is happening, I am also watching my private students pull away, one by one, for reasons that are beyond my control. My eggs - as I have taken to calling them - are hatching but not at my farm. And that pisses me off to an extent cos for the last few months (some of them the last year), I have been nurturing them and cultivating them. So to actually come to this point - let's just say "pissed" is an understatement.
As I told Mandy last night, remove all the distractions and stare at the core issue. My core issue is not that we're gonna lose billing rights on these accounts (billing rights translating to bigger year end bonuses). It's not about the money. And this is where I can politely turn crimson while admitting that at some point in time, I had declared to myself and a close knit of friends, that I am determined that this year, my 1st year, I WILL send more students than that of last year.
With my broken eggs ~ I am thankful that I am at least meeting the numbers of last year. But it is a bitter pill to swallow - to have to come to acknowledge to myself that I did not succeed. That perhaps even, I was arrogant in assuming I would.
My mum told me earlier this week, that I was born a kind-hearted person and that despite everything that life has thrown my way, I still am. Except when it comes to work. Her advice: find some way to turn my 'black' heart around and that the best person to learn it from is my current boss.
Ordinarily, I would poo-poo at that suggestion. But I sat thru the better half of today, watching my boss subtley teach me the finer points of our trade. It took me a while to realise that it was a learning day, not a working day. And it was a humble pie to eat. Cos there I was struggling to find some way to say 'This kid deserves to go to Ireland this year' yet to her, it was a breeze. She could even declared after one particular candidate how it was such an enjoyable interview session!
I like to think that everything happens for a reason. And I have found mine for the last 10 days or so, despite it causing me to feel as if I'm losing some of my marbles. And it would serve me well to eat crow for the rest of the next 13 months so I deserve crow in my diet.
And that is the bit about my losing my eggs.
As for losing my marbles - I had reason last night, to drive past the hospital Mum was admitted to. As the fascade loomed ahead while the lights turned green, I found my heart beating a bit faster, the breathing becoming more shallow and my hands shaking as they gripped the steering wheel. To think a physical structure can bring a bout of terror - if that ain't me losing my marbles, I don't know what is!
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